Hollywood Week: The competition is as stiff as...

Hollywood week is usually great for drama, but this year, the drama was relatively low as the contestants were not forced to sing in groups. Lame. The new format brought lots of tears (99% from Josiah), but not nearly enough entertainment. And there’s no way I’m recapping the entire 2 hours of this crap. Thus, here are my comments about the episode.

-How many times did we see Abstinence Amy tell Simon that she was singing for him, he replies, “Then it’s a no,” and she makes a sour face? I think it was at least 4. This was prime time for some arguing and drama, yet instead we saw this girl do the same thing over and over? Idol editors suck. Also, Amy’s voice coach was Angel “I didn’t come here for me” Higgs from season 4. Why are you taking advice from some bitch who was cut in Hollywood? Probably to be cut in Hollywood. Nice work.

-Jake Mellema decides it’s a good idea to show off his singing by playing the drums. The only stupider move of the night was the kid who played his armpits (edited out of the show for time).

-David Hernandez, who makes the top 24, has his melismatic audition shown where he growls out “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg.” He keeps doing this awful growl during his songs that makes him sound like a rabid Paula without her alcohol. He does it again while singing in Hollywood. Besides overdoing it Katharine McPhee style, that growl could be a VFTW meal ticket.

-A commercial airs for the NAACP awards with the line, “The biggest stars! Aretha! Stevie! Jordin!” Wait. What the fuck? When did Jordin Sparks become a star, especially in the vein of Stevie Wonder and Aretha Franklin? Does this mean that the contestants will sing ridiculous amounts of Jordin Sparks songs on the show this year? Or was the announcer talking about the “biggest stars” in terms of weight? Because then Jordin definitely deserves to be on the commercial.

-Amanda Overmyer leads the VFTW girls with her terrible version of “Light My Fire.” Her over-affected accent is ridiculous and Simon says she may become monotonous. Randy tells her “You sound just like Janis Joplin, you’re different, you’re unique.” Which one is it? Is she unique or does she sound just like Janis Joplin? Janis Joplin crosses her dead fingers in her grave saying “pick unique. Pick unique.”

-Natashia Blach sucks but then sings, “Kill me now.” It’s like she knows what I’m feeling while I watch this show. Marry me, Natashia.

-Ghaleb whateverhisnameis sings to try to woo Paula, and the glow of moonshine casts a halo over our favorite boozehound. But even the drugs don’t give Ghaleb a shot, he’s terrible and rightfully cut.

-Josiah Leming did a pretty awesome version of “Grace Kelly”, but it was all downhill from there. He dismissed the band because he doesn’t want to sing with them. Ballsy move, buddy. As a result, his “Stand By Me” was the return of the goat vibrato, and he must have cried more times than Ashley Ferl cried over Sanjaya. And he didn’t even have Sanjaya there. Imagine how much Josiah would cry if Sanjaya was singing to him.

-Why is Carly Smithson’s tongue blue? Who knew Nigel Lythgoe had a blue penis? I said “blue” penis… She is apparently allergic to her dog, so she wears a gas mask and gives VFTW the second funny Carly screencap of the season. She sounded good on “Alone” until she got to the chorus and started screaming again. This seems to be a trend.

-Michael Johns is a douche.

-Matt Sato bitches that, “We didn’t make it but people who didn’t deserve it will make it.” Yes, Matt. We know. So stop trying out already and just start voting for the worst. You were more interesting when you had a zit on your nose.

-KKKristy Lee Cook only knows how to sing “Amazing Grace.” Probably because she gets lots of practice singing around a burning cross.

-Angela Martin proves that she is still one of the only class acts on the show. Even though her dad died, her sob stories still don’t seem affected. She’s cut and has a classy exit. Good for her. Normally, I’d butcher her for being boring, but she seems like one of the only genuine people on the show this year. And it’s great that her daughter is getting her medical bills paid for after Angela’s appearance on the show.

-David Archuleta sings, “Thinking about our younger years.” Meaning last year, because the kid is 16. After he makes it through he says, “It’s that tingly feeling again. I only get it when singing I guess… and also when Danny Noriega sneaks into my room at night and plays doctor with me.”

-Syesha Mercado lost her voice. I wonder why. It couldn’t be from her awful screaming that she calls singing, could it? Nah, definitely not. To distance herself from that terrible cancelled show The One that she was on, she decides to sing the same song that she sang on that show. Smooth move. She was fine, but if she loses her voice again, VFTW could come calling.

-Brooke Helvie cries that she wasn’t given a fair chance after she’s cut. Even though she sucked and Simon said yes anyway. If she wasn’t an Interchangeable Blonde Whore, I doubt she would have even been given one yes. Speaking of the IBW’s, the others were all missing in action tonight besides Brooke White (who needs to eat a cheeseburger) and KKKristy Lee Cook (who needs to stop being a racist jackass).

-The ending montage had plants galore. Michael, Carly, and David A. are all pimped to high heaven, while people like Luke Menard and Jason Yeager have yet to be shown on the show. But ya know, the producers are going to make us care about the contestants more this year. After all, Ryan says “the competition is stiff.” Yes, almost as stiff as Ryan likes his dicks. Or as stiff as Paula likes her martinis. Or as stiff as Randy’s commitment to his diet. Oh, I could go on for days. But honestly, no one cares about this show.

Tomorrow is the lame chair episode. Tune in to watch peole sit in chairs and stand in elevators for an entire hour. Why do the sponsors even bother purchasing commercials?