The Hollywood Episode: Where Dreams Are Crushed for Fun and Profit

Howdy Class,

I wasn't initially sure how to approach this episode. We see a ton of faces and very few names to go with them. And we already have the list of all of the finalists anyway.  So instead I’ll rate the Final 24 in terms of AI Pimpage. And based purely on this episode and previous episode pimpage I’m going to handicap who the front-runners are and who the Idol Producers WANT to win.

Do any of your Idols have a shot? How do some early VFTW favorites rate on the pimpage scale?

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I will rate the finalists on NONE, SOME and MAXIMUM PIMPAGE scales.

First off the people with ABSOLUTELY NO PIMPAGE and therefore, no shot of winning Idol.

PIMPAGE: NONE

Chikeze Eze - We get one shot of him celebrating into the camera.

Garrett Haley

Jason Castro

Jason Yeager

Luke Menard

Who are these guys? Can they sing? Beats me, because they have NEVER BEEN ON TV!!! I exaggerate, of course, but not by much.

Alania Whitaker

Alex Lushington

Amy Davis

Kady Malloy -- Who has a face and other attributes MADE FOR TV, but instead they keep wasting pimpage on that emaciated Kristy Cooke Hag.

Joanna Borgella

Again, who are these people?

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PIMPAGE: SOME -- These people got less screen time than Abstinance Amy and Politician Nerd Kyle, two obvious Going Homers.

Colton Berry -- He was random blonde guy in a montage. At least he got to sing on TV.

David Cook -- Sings well, but pimpage is taken down a notch because Simon says he sucks on guitar. If there is one thing Simon knows EVEN LESS about than singing, it’s good musicianship.

Robbie Carrico - Gets two moments in a montage. He’s hairy and he

“rocks.” I get a definite Bucky Covington vibe here.

Amanda Overmyer The Leather Nurse -- I love her gravelly voice

and tragically dyed hair. Still, Idol is treating her like

a harmless oddity destined to go out week 3 or 4 on Disco Night.

Kristie Lee Cook -- I know, I know, she’s a ringer and she’s being

pimped to the moon, but showing that she can only sing one song, and it’s “Amazing Grace” won’t turn her into a Pop Sensation.

Ramiele Malubay -- She sang her one song well and got complements.

But Idol hates the Asians, so this can only go badly. I bet

she goes out on Week 5, “Songs Ruined by Former Idols”

Asiah Epperson-- She’s reduced to Seacrest reminding us of her “Tragic Loss” in her brief Idol screen time.

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MAXIMUM PIMPAGE -- You know who they are, because Idol won’t tell you about ANYBODY ELSE. Based on my Scientific System: Here’s your final 7.

Danny Noriega -- VFTW’s Next Great Spicy Latino Hope. His singing and speaking voice make him sound like Aiken version 2.0. We’re pulling for you, little buddy!

David Archuleta -- Some Pimpage points taken off for the show

not mentioning his paralyzed vocal chords sob story again.

Is that the best you’ve got David? Paula has a brain hemmorage AND a mid-life crisis once a week, sometimes twice. Naturally he sings one of the all time weenie songs from Bryan “Weenie” Adams, so we’re officially allowed to hate him now.

David Hernandez -- He hasn’t gotten the pimpage until this point

but mark my words, it’s a-coming. David H. is the reason

why VFTW will never be without choices. He sings a schmaltzy version of Love The One You’re With featuring cheeserific Elliott Yamin dance moves. Really Dave, you’re borrowing from HIM? The judges tripped over themselves trying to ego-stroke

David’s bog-standard Idol performance. Randy called it “Really

good.” More like, “Really Cheesy.” And Paula sent him through

with “A sazillion per cent Yes.” See, Paula had to make up a

word meaning “number of astronomical size” which is really

the percentage that she wants to stroke David’s kielbasa.

The Pimpage is coming for David H...

Michael Johns -- This guy got to sing TWO ENTIRE SONGS tonight. Both were over-wrought and over-sung. He even chose

“Bohemian Rhapsody” just to let us know that he’s a tool.

Based on Pimpage up to this point Michael is a lock for Final 2 unless VFTW has something to say about it.

Brooke White - She gets the Pimp Slot (#1) on Maximum Pimpage night. She does a decent Tori Amos impression by playing her own piano accompaniment. Well, she’s a good singer, but a mediocre pianist.

Syesha Mercado-- She got her own story arc, and moment of heroism.

See, Syesha can’t sing in the beginning of the show because she

has a sore throat. But then she tries hard and overcomes her

obstacle and puts on a winning performance that catapults her

into the Final 3, where she is trounced by Finalists 1 and 2.

Michael Johns being two, and number one...

Carly Smithson -- Over the course of the night we see Carly’s entire journey thus far on Idol. From when she was so unbelievably awesome that she could’ve won season 5 except that she couldn’t get the proper work visa. Through to when we learn that Carly sucked earlier this season because she’s “allergic to her dog.” So you see, she’s not really a horrible singer after all. And see tonight she sings TWO over-dramatic 1990’s style pop melisma ballads, and then she Celine Deion’s all over a Whitney song. Carly is indeed your Idol 7 winner if the Evil Simon’s can manipulate your votes.

That’s why we need VFTW more than ever this season. Remember people, each and every one of your votes counts, except when they dont’t, like when the monkeys flashed the wrong phone numbers on-screen or when they turned a karaoke competition into a self-serving Charity Beg-athon for Africa.

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Until next week... You don’t need to watch the Elevator Episode. You really have better things to do. Read a book. Or better yet, vote in a REAL Election. The kind where tween-tards can’t keep hitting re-dial with mommy’s phone.

Class Dismissed.

-- Chan