Boys Singing: Bring On The Fruitiness!

Howdy class,

It’s our first Live Voting Week on Idol and boy am I excited… until I remember how these two hour episodes are such slow, painful slogs through a turd swamp. This season’s talent is repeatedly called “the best yet.” Really? I guess I need a good ear draining because I thought these were terrible performances. The 60’s were one of the all time great decades for music, so how did these idiots studiously avoid singing ANY GOOD SONGS?!?!

How bad was it? It was so bad I can’t honestly give my usual Pass/Fail grades. I’m going to have to go to a new grading scale: NOT TERRIBLE, TYPICAL IDOL SUCKING or TOTAL CRAP.

Class is in Session!

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David Hernandez

Song: “In The Midnight Hour” By Wilson Pickett (1965)

Notes: David tells us he’s all about soul. I thought he was all about hot pants and disco dancing. But that’s just the first impression I got. As the song started slow and dramatic I momentarily thought, hey this might be a new shade of David Hernandez than he hasn't shown before. But as the tempo increased… wait for it… Wait for it.... And here comes the fruity. Nope, same old David.

GRADE: TYPICAL IDOL SUCKING– Very fruity with extra sides of fruit cup and some Scott Baio singing as Chachi thrown in for good measure.

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Chikezie AKA Chacuzzi, as Simon calls him.

Song:”More Today Than Yesterday” by Spiral Starecase (1969)

Notes: Actually this is a great horn song but Chikezie sings a slowed down schmaltz version that sounds as sharp as mushy oatmeal. Chikezie decided he wanted to be Luther Vandross 2008 with his tangerine suit and snakeskin boots, but the whole thing is comical. To my delight he started giving Simon crap about his wardrobe, and then responded to the judge’s stupid comments that they modernize their songs, despite the fact that they’re all from the 60’s. And they’re sung on a cheesy Karaoke contest with an ugly neon set.

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP – for ruining a perfectly good song. And giving Simon attitude is behavior that we encourage at VFTW, but we all know that saucy contestants get sent home FAST!

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David Cook

Song: “Happy Together” by the Turtles (1967)

Notes: This song has been covered by everyone under the sun. It has appeared in numerous commercials and movies, and now it was sung by an alleged “rocker” sporting a “trendy” emo comb-over and a sizeable vest collection. To increase the fruitiness in his performance David uses the patented AI Eye-Humping the camera as it zooms past, and he cocks the tea pinky while holding the microphone. Oh, and his singing was flat and off-tempo.

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP – But entertaining in bad/good ways. David says his performance on Idol made him feel like, “Hey, I don’t suck.” I beg to differ, dude.

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Jason Yeager

Song: “Moon River” by Johnny Mercer and Henry Mancini (1961)

Notes: Up until this point we had seen next to nothing of Jason Yeager on Idol, and after this horrific performance I’d just as soon we kept it that way. Moon River? Blechh. Is there a fruitier song than this? Ugh. Jason has a decent voice, but bring out the vomit buckets for this awful, schmaltz version. I don’t care if Grandma Yeager taught him this song. She also should’ve told Jason never to sing it in public, or on a Karaoke TV show watched by 30 million people.

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP

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Robbie Carrico

Song: “One” by Three Dog Night covering Nilsson. (1969)

Notes: Robbie Carrico is such a fake “rocker” that he’s not even trying to fool anyone any more. The Idol Producers admit his Boy Band roots, and how he toured with Britney Spears, but they stop short of telling us that Robbie was that last person to date Britney without getting laid. That’s just sad. Britney’s even boning paparazzi guys these days, what’s wrong with Robbie that they’re not telling us? Oh, right, that he’s a total pussy and sings “rock” songs that cry about being lonely. Even Nilsson would admit that his songs are overwrought and comically over the top weepy.

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP – I’m guessing that “60’s Songs” didn’t include any Who, Rolling Stones or Deep Purple, because so far all of these songs wear panties and garter belts.

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David Archuleta

Song: “Better Shop Around” By Smokey Robinson (1960)

Notes: David is a gasper. The only side effect of his paralyzed vocal chord is the fact that he has no breath sustain, he cuts off every line and he has a rasping, rusty metal sounding intake of air after every phrase. Other than that, he sounds perfectly normal. Still he gives a Star Search level performance on this moldy oldie.

GRADE: TYPICAL AI SUCKING -- The judges said David did a good job… of course he did, he’s been singing this song at finer amusement parks across America since he won Star Search in the '70s.

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Danny Noriega

Song: “Jailhouse Rock” by Elvis (1957) – But Elvis probably sung it several times during the decade of the '60s.

Notes: Where to start… Danny picks a song from the wrong decade that AI already has run into the ground dozens of times over. He does a sub-Sanjaya level dance. He makes strange faces and sasses the judges when they give him criticism. I do believe VFTW has a winner! Also the song is repetitive and Danny doesn’t have the performance skills to bring anything to the table. Simon calls him “Grotesque” and worries what would happen if people just tuning in “Won’t believe he is one of the most talented kids in America.” What about the 11 other shitty performances tonight, Simon? Wouldn’t they also destroy the lies that this is the “most talented season ever?”

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP, but in a GOOD way. Nice fashion sense, though. Do they make pleather pants any tighter?

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Luke Menard

Song: “Everybody’s Talkin’ “ by Nilsson, from Midnight Cowboy (1969).

Notes: Eegads, another Nilsson song. I even like this one, but Luke’s weepy performance ruins it for me. Luke has a nice voice, but he makes a bad song choice in his first and possibly only chance to make an impression on us.

GRADE: TYPICAL IDOL SUCKING – I listened to it a second time and it’s not nearly as “pitchy” as Randy would have you believe and certainly not “sharp” either. I counted three bum notes. But I like how Randy is making an effort. He must be reading VFTW.

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Colton Berry

Song: “Suspicious Minds” by Elvis (1969)

Notes: In Colton’s bio video he claims he was shocked when he beat out Kyle the Poli-Sci Nerd for the final spot on the show. Really? If I was in the final judging with the gormless geek with glasses I would be celebrating BEFORE I got to the elevator. Republican Kyle was an easily dismissed No Hoper. So Colton proves he’s an idiot. He also proves he’s talentless with a technically adequate but overly peepy and fruity version of an awesome Elvis song.

GRADE: TYPICAL IDOL SUCKING – And somehow Colton makes himself seem hate-able on TV, which is good for him he didn’t get more screen-time. Oh, and dude, don’t admit that you look like Ellen Degeneres, that’s my job.

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Garrett Healey

Song: “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” by Neil Sedaka (1962)

Notes: Garrett is the Leif Garrett look-alike, in case anyone was wondering who he was. When I asked if there was any fruitier song in the 60’s than Moon River, this is the one that out-pussies Mancini. So on top of willingly picking a schmaltzy weep ballad, Garrett sings it in a nasally, whiny voice. Simon unloads on him, calling him “Pale and haunted.”

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP – I hope he sticks around for a while so Simon can needlessly abuse him some more. Awesome.

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Jason Castro

Song: “Daydream” Loving Spoonfuls (1966)

Notes: This is more like it. Jason has the chutzpah to play guitar (An AI Finals first) to stand out amongst the pap. Sure his song is a little fruity, but he sings it well. He doesn’t over-sing (which we won’t be able to say about Girls Singing tomorrow). And he gives a pleasing performance. I can’t see why the dreadlocked unknown won’t stick around for a while.

GRADE: NOT TERRIBLE – And hopefully we get to hear Jason Drum-Sing in the upcoming weeks.

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Michael “Jerk-Off” Johns

Song: “Light My Fire” by The Doors (1966)

Notes: FINALLY a good 60’s song. Oh, right it’s this dillweed singing it. Johns thinks he’s Jim Morrison, or at the very least Constantine Maroulis, but he’s not bad. He is a terrible dancer, however.

GRADE: NOT TERRIBLE – Manly song-choice, plus he didn’t show off his colossal ego too much, so Johns gets a pass from me this week.

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So Voting Night #1 is in the bag. It was to long, too padded and featured 6 TOTAL CRAP performances and only a couple decent ones. However Simon was on point most of the night, Randy made an effort (although I still hate him more than ever) and Paula was too stoned to keep her eyes open and babbled incoherently about rainbows of colors for half the night. So it wasn't a total waste of time.

Also Carly Smithson was notably absent with no on-air explanation. Possible Idol Ringer backlash, maybe?

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So who wants to bet we hear plenty of Aretha and Janis Joplin tomorrow?

--Chan