Girls Singing: Where Ringers Crumble

Howdy Class,

Welcome to Day #2 of Real Live Voting, Girls Sing Edition. And as usual the girls outsang the guys. By my count there were 6 NOT TERRIBLE or better girls to only 2 NOT TERRIBLE guys. And some of the performances threatened to become good.

As an added bonus Simon was mostly on point tonight with his comments. By the end of hour 2 he was getting a little goofy, but mostly he made valid criticisms. Sure he hammers his negative insults into the ground and needlessly stomps on the decapitated heads of teenagers who sucked at singing in their first performances in front of a Live TV audience. But that’s just for ratings.

Did the Ringers live up to the AI Producers’ absurdly high expectations? Or did some relative unknowns creep into the limelight? We shall see. And why am I not surprised that Kristy Lee Cooke and Carly get the pimp slots tonight?

-----------

I’m sticking with my NOT TERRIBLE, TYPICAL IDOL SUCKING and TOTAL CRAP grading system, but because I’m a generous person I’ll even give out a couple GOODs to those who deserved gold stars.

----------------

Kristy Cook

Song: “Rescue Me” by Fontella Bass (1965)

Notes: Kristy is still sticking with her B.S. “I sold my horse to be on Idol” story, so we’ll cut her no slack. She sings the song fine but throws in a standard Idol Poopy Dance (man, I really missed the poopy dance last season) and she squints her eyes. Someone must’ve warned her about the squinting problem because she also opens her eyes really wide at several points giving her, and me horrified looks. Simon mans ups and calls her “Robotic.” Wow, Simon is really tearing into the Ringers this season. The VFTW controversy has gotten to him. To prove that she indeed sucks Kristy blames it all on having a cold. See, because her lousy, overplayed song choice happened because she was sick.

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP -- I was going to go TYPICAL IDOL SUCKING up until the whining and excuses. BOO!

----------------

Joanne Borgella

Song: “I Say a Little Prayer” by Dionne Warwick (1967) And ALSO Aretha Franklin in (1968) to hit the soul singing double-dutch.

Notes: Joanne explains in her bio video that because she’s a big girl we expect her to sing neo-soul, so she won’t do that. Instad she’ll sing the non-soul version of this hit for Dionne Warwick and Aretha Franklin (the Queen of Soul). Well unlike Mandisa and LaKisha Jones, Idol’s previous soul-singing big girls, Joanne is pretty terrible. She starts too low and it only gets worse from there. The song feels like it’s a half an hour long. Brutal.

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP -- If I was a betting man I’d say Joanne is going home. She needed to hit a homerun here.

-----------

Alaina Whitaker

Song: “More Today Than Yesterday” by Spiral Starecase (1969)

Notes: Alaina proves that she’s not a bad singer with her schmaltzy version of “More Today Than Yesterday.” She blows Chikezie’s wan version out of the water. I actually found myself rooting for Alaina, until she opened her mouth to start talking again and ruined it. Man she is annoying.

GRADE: NOT TERRIBLE

-----------

Biker Nurse Amanda Overmyer

Song: “Baby Please Don’t Go” from (1935) but since it was covered by Van Morrison and Them in (1964) we’ll give it a pass. (thanks wikipedia) Also, it’s the Rockabilly version.

Notes: In her bio video Amanda wisely chooses not to sing any more Janis on this show. Ask Asiah how ignoring the No Janis edict worked out for her. Amanda brings her half a carton of cigs and whisky vocals to bear, including some mumbly scat singing with a strange tremolo. The girl can make her voice all quivery like Peter Frampton but without a vo-corder. Weird. I’ve already noted that Amanda’s hair looks uncanny, but tonight it’s especially strange resembled Death’s hood. Again, weird.

GRADE: NOT TERRIBLE -- Amanda may not be the best vocalist but she’s always entertaining. Strange, but entertaining.

----------

Amy Davis

Song: “Where The Boys Are” by Connie Francis (1960) (thanks wikipedia)

Notes: What a cunning Worst choice from Dave. Because, damn this was a terrible performance. Both grindingly slow and painfully out of tune. This was a downright butchering. Amy clearly got here based on her bikini photos and nothing else, because her voice is unpleasant.

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP -- That being said VOTE FOR THE WORST! GO AMY!

----------

Brooke White

Song: “Happy Together” by The Turtles (1967)

Notes: Brooke is cute and perky and her breathy, Tori Amos-style version of “Happy Together” destroys David Cook’s from yesterday. That being said, Brooke has enunciation problems and her songs are mealy-mouthed and she mumble-sings. Work on that crisp pronunciation for next week girl. And bring your piano.

GRADE: NOT TERRIBLE

---------

Alexandra Lushington

Song: “Spinning Wheel” by Blood, Sweat and Tears (1969)

Notes: You’re telling me this song was on the books and none of the crappy fake rockers yesterday chose it? Shame on all of you. This song rocks, but it’s a strange fit for Lushington’s voice. She has attitude and can sing, and she even manages to slip in a little Whitney vocal run in the middle of the song to keep it real. Based purely on one performance I declare Alexandra the best singer in the competition, and she’s destined to go home in the Melinda slot at #3 or #4.

GRADE: GOOD -- The song choice was weird for her, but she’s got huge potential.

---------

Kady Molloy

Song: Some horrible elevator music from the 70’s.

Notes: Simon makes a good point (albeit over and over with a sledgehammer) when he said “When you’re someone else you’re fantastic.” Kady’s Britney impression in her bio video was spot on, but this song was tripe.

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP -- And I actually think Kady can sing. Maybe she can prove it if she somehow survives.

----------

Asiah Epperson

Song: “Piece of My Heart” by Janis Joplin (1968)

Notes: Asiah disobeys the No Singing Janice edict and sings a peppy, “fun” version with attitude. The only problem is this song is NOT ABOUT FUN. It is about watching your lover rip your heart out and walk out on you. IT IS NOT FUN. This is a tame, fruity version of an untouchable Janis song.

GRADE: TYPICAL IDOL SUCKING -- Technically fine singing, but a clueless performance.

----------

Ramiele Baluby

Song: “You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me”-Dusty Springfield(1965)

Notes: Ramiele gives the surprise performance of the night. Even though she’s dressed like she just got out of algebra class (despite the shoes which Seacrest thought were fabulous), Ramiele gives a great first performance. She showed that she has a great voice, and with her unusual phrasing she showed she could sing. Or maybe she just showed she can’t count. Either way she made a big impression that should help her get to at least #10 (because Idol hates the Asians)

GRADE: GOOD

----------

Syesha “Ford Shill” Mercado

Song: “Tobacco Road” by John Loudermilk (1960)

Notes: Syesha did her job and showed that she too could sing on this bluesy song. But right before she can really rip into it Syesha gets really off-tempo and off-key. I don’t know what the hell happened, but she did enought to prove she’s talented.

GRADE: NOT TERRIBLE -- Her performance did what it had to do, differentiated her and showed off her singing chops.

----------

Carly “Fern” Smithson

Song: “Shadows of Your Smile” from The Sandpiper (1965) as sung by Barbra Streisand.

Notes: Carly gets the pimp spot on show #1, she gets a winning song and she gets the super build-up, and she comes out and sucks. Her singing is out of tune and shrill. And basically unpleasant to listen to. She’s no Barbra Streisand, that’s for sure. Simon turns back into “Ringer-Slayer” again and tears Carly a new one. Maybe he was just mad that she admitted on-air to her “previous record deal.” Then the Producers try to pull the “I was sick” sob story... which just makes me sick. Blechh! There, I was sick.

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP -- I was really trying to give Carly an honest chance, but the fact is that she sucks.

----------

Isn’t it hypocritical that the Judges keep going back to the mantra “You’ve got to be original” on a show where EVERYBODY SINGS COVER SONGS? Just wondering if it bothers the hell out of you like it does for me.

Anyhoo, please DO NOT WATCH the ultra-boring Elimination Show tomorrow. I beseech you. You can simply come back here after the show airs and we’ll tell you the Losers of the week. There, we just gave you an hour of your life back.

--Chan