Top 24 Girls: They're not untalented hacks... it's the flu... I swear

After tonight, can the show even promote this as “the best top 24 ever?” If they do, they will surely look foolish, as none of the girls were amazing, a few were good, and the rest were boring or awful. Ryan warns us that the “bottom 2 girls and bottom 2 guys will head back to life before Idol.” They get to go in a time machine? Sweet! That prize is way better than winning this show. Maybe we should just let our VFTW picks go now.

KKKristy Lee Cook sold her horse to audition in Philadelphia (lies) and wants to buy the horse back if she wins (to turn him into glue). She stumbles through “Rescue Me” as if she doesn’t realize she’s performing. This is beyond boring and the girl coasts on her looks. It’s like part 2 of Britney Spears’ “Gimme More” performance from the Video Music Awards. After the train wreck is over, the judges fall over to announce that poor KKKristy is sick and that it’s not her fault that she sucked. That’s funny, I remember her sucking even when she wasn’t sick. At least Simon tells the truth and says that the performance was robotic and that she didn’t make a good impression. We then hear that she has the flu and bronchitis at least 6 more times. Flu and bronchitis. Flu and  bronchitis.

Joanne Borgella wants everyone to know that she’s not a belter like most other fat divas. She sings “I Say a Little Prayer For You” and I have to tell you, Joanne is right. She is not a belter. She is a sucker. A suckstastic, suck-filled sucker. Her performance is one of the worst vocals on the show in a long time. The lower register is painful to listen to and her voice has an annoying quality to it. Simon calls it “a cabaret version of a cabaret song” though no one goes out of their way to diagnose her with the flu and bronchitis. Only well pimped plants get sick I guess. It’s a shame because Joanne seems like a very nice girl, but her vocals were just awful. If she had been a very mean girl, we could have even voted for her. Alas, it was not meant to be.

Alaina Whitaker, who looks like a more inbred version of Carrie Underwood but with a  gap tooth, rehashes “More Today Than Yesterday.” Though most might like it more today than Chikezie’s yesterday, it was nothing to rave about. That said, it was really good because it outshined the other 2 awful singers so far. After the first 2 though, even Paula Rehabdul could get up and wow a crowd. Simon says that she’ll sail through to the next round, and he’s right.

Amanda Overmyer is a 23 year old who looks about 40. She wants to solidify the presence of rock-n-roll in the competition, so she picks a song that has a lot of guitar solos and barely any notes to sing. Soon, she starts screaming “please don’t go”… or maybe it’s “peas don’t grow”… or maybe it’s “piece dojo”… I can’t tell because she doesn’t “pronunicate” as Diana Ross would say. Her clothes are also hideously awesome. So I love her. But because the judges love her, she can’t be VFTW yet. Many people are telling me that Amanda’s performance was a really good female rock vocal, but I saw it as a hilarious train wreck. Guess we’ll see what she does next week.

VFTW champion Amy Davis is up next. She calls being on American Idol equivalent to “100 Christmases as a 6 year old all packed into one.” She soon changes her mind when she finds herself butchering “Where the Boys Are” and the judges tear her apart. Amy does accept Simon and Paula’s “the camera loves you” compliment (usually the contestants just roll their eyes in disgust). Even though Amy didn’t bring the entertainment factor this week, I know if she sticks around, she’ll attempt a faster song next week and hopefully deliver the goods. Also, why shouldn’t Amy get a shot at the top 12? She was obviously cast as cannon fodder to go home in week one, so hey, let’s see if we can knock out one of the other girls. Anyone besides Amy going home would produce hilarious results.

Brooke White goes on and on about how she’s the “good girl,” but really she just looks like Skeletor. Skeletor is not good. Is this Skeletor’s new trick to capture He-Man? Brilliant and well played. Disguise yourself as a “good girl” with a really bad wig on American Idol. Skeletor sings sings “So Happy Together” and twangs out a boring country version. Simon asks Skeletor if she’ll be nice for the rest of the competition and she replies, “No! I will finally kill HeMan and… oh wait… yes, I will be good all season. Tee hee hee.” Simon then equates her performance to “washing up liquid,” which is apparently what British people call dish soap. Hey, at least that’s a new comparison and he didn’t recycle “cruise ship” or “cabaret.”

Alexandrea Lushington has a soulful voice and did a pretty good job of singing Amy Winehouse during Hollywood week. Her version of “Spinning Wheel” isn’t nearly as good though. I can tell that she has talent and there’s a good voice in there, but she picked a song that doesn’t highlight the right parts of her voice. I do like her crazy Spring-cleaning-gone-horribly-wrong outfit, but her vocals are just average on this one so she doesn’t stand out. Randy and Paula loved it, but Simon doesn’t understand why because it reminds him of “a horrible little show.” Alexandrea shows a little bit of VFTW spirit by scolding Ryan for mispronouncing her name, but I’m sure it will never pan out into any help for us. The best zinger of the night comes courtesy of Ryan who says, after hearing Simon say that he hasn’t heard a great vocal yet, “didn’t you put these people through?” Oh, snap! It’s so true that it burns. Burns. Why the hell did you help pick these people if you hate them so much? Oh that’s right. The producers pick for you.

Kady Malloy is a recording studio assistant with a great Britney Spears impression. Unfortunately, that is the only personality we’ve seen from her, as she may be the dullest contestant ever to appear on the show. To help hide how boring she is, she sings an incredibly slow and drawn out version of “Groovy Kind of Love.” She tries way too hard, making it stand out as incredibly affected. The vocals are average though, definitely not that bad. Simon says that Kady reminded him of “Night of the Living Dead” and that she’s only brilliant when she does Britney Spears impressions. I agree. Kady, if you survive this week, come back next week and sing “Hit Me Baby One More Time” in full imitation mode. That would earn you a post-Amy VFTW slot. That is, if you stick around after tonight, since you gave the audience nothing to remember. Kady even stood there, looking incredibly pissed off, but didn’t talk back to the judges. Kady, Kady, Kady. VFTW could have picked you if you would have given us the sass or if you responded to the judges as Britney. Think about it.

Asia’h Epperson’s dad is dead. Did you know that? I’m very glad she mentioned it tonight, because she’s never said anything about it before on the show. Yes, I feel bad for her, but to whore out your father’s death to get votes on national television is kind of skeezy. She does a disjointed version of “Piece of my Heart” and can barely pronounce any of the words. She also has funny facial expressions when she bounces around the stage. The judges fall over themselves to compliment her, meaning they want her in the top 12. At that point though, they’ll turn on her, and VFTW will be waiting to vote for her when everyone realizes how horrible she is. Simon even calls Asia’h his “favorite of the night.” I’m sure once the judges turn on her though, a distant family member she hasn’t seen in years will pass away to help give her that extra boost she needs for more votes.

At this point, I just got bored of watching the show. Not that I don’t get bored most weeks, but come on. Ramiele Malubay sings “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me” and I don’t have a single funny thing to say about it. It was so technical, boring, and calculated that it just doesn’t give me anything to work with. Syesha Mercado’s “Tobacco Road” is at least lively, but she misses about half the notes, and the judges love it anyway. And finally, Carly Smithson has to admit she had a record deal in her video package (VFTW Victory!) and then sings really poorly. But there’s nothing to make fun of. It’s just bad karaoke with no punchline. Randy and Paula love it, but thankfully Simon’s ears start working for the first time, and he says that she’s overrated. I would say I have respect for Simon calling her out, but he was probably instructed to do that by the producers since they’re trying to distance themselves from the whole Carly debacle at this point.

As the show ended, I realized that not one of these girls was a true VFTW pick, as no one was entertaining, no one talked back to the judges, and only Amanda gave us a lot of personality. Thus, the funniest thing for VFTW to do would be to pick the person who obviously sang the worst and should go home to see if we can save her and get one of the other girls kicked out. So Amy became the VFTW pick, and if she survives, the tweentards and the general public will probably be furious. Every other girl had her audition shown, so they all have a fanbase. The girl that Amy could potentially knock out of the competition would have an incredibly angry fanbase who writes me hate mail, and that would be awesome. Will Amy survive? It’s a real long shot, especially since the site was up and down at the beginning of voting and people weren’t sure who to vote for. But hey, let’s take a risk. It’s just a silly television show! Who goes home? I’ll go with Kady and Joanne. But it could be most of them.