Boys Sing #2: What a load of Crap!

Man, was this a double-heaping of B.S. or what?  And I’m not talking about the performances either, which were decent to good with a couple of exceptions.  No, I’m talking about the unceasing stream of utter crap just bursting out of the judges tonight.

Simon launching hand-grenades with a wink and a grin: “I’m only giving constructive criticism.”  Yeah, like last week, sending harmless Garrett home with a “you’re pale and ghostly.”  Very constructive, you tool.

How about Randy ass-deep in his ridiculous “yo,dawg”, “A little pitchy”, “Another hot one tonight” incoherent minstrelsy.  Randy gives morons a bad name.  Every time he opened his fat gob I wanted to punch him in his goiter.  

And Paula of all people claiming: “we don’t know the real you, just be yourself.”  Isn’t she the one every week declaring people “you’re the rocker”, “you’re the soul singer”?  But always in Paula’s defense, she’s drunk AND high, and mentally deficient.  So we’ll give her a pass.

Garrett is the luckiest Idol, because he doesn’t have to stand there and quietly take the judges’ nonsensical shit.  How can anyone listen to their pilings of asinine drivel and turn it into “constructive criticism”?  It’s the verbal equivalent of fecal finger painting by demented asylum patients.  

I’m not in a good mood.  Idol sucks.  On with the critiques.

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In keeping with tonight’s theme of the ‘70s, I’ll be grading on a scale of GROOVY, BOGUS or TOTAL CRAP.  (I know, TOTAL CRAP isn’t strictly ‘70s slang, but I believe it was in use at the time.)

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Michael "Jerk-Off" Johns

Song: “Go Your Own Way” by Fleetwood Mack

Notes: In his bio video Michael tells us about his secret tennis playing years where he would “reach the Finals or Semi-Finals of every tournament.”  Man, even in his imaginary kid's tennis tournaments he has to win.  What a jackelope.  Michael’s thin voice is apparent on a karaoke level imitation of Fleetwood Mack.  His singing didn’t quite fit the music.  And when he hit the “Go your own way” high part his voice squeaked.  I thought this was a mistake, but NO, Michael squeaks EVERY SINGLE TIME he gets to that part.  Which is often in this 90 second argument for getting his ass booted off the show.

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP -- Paula says her only meaningful thing all night when she thinks Johns sounded like a “Seasoned performer.”  No, you mean, “RINGER”, Paula.

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Jason Castro

Song: “I Just Want To Be Your Everything” by the BeeGees

Notes: Jason is like a performing savant.  In his interviews he can’t even form three words together to make a sentence (much like Randy on one of his BETTER days.)  But you put him on-stage and stick a guitar in his hands and Jason sings like a pro.  His off-beat arrangement and clean, effortless singing is what makes Idol so great, finding undiscovered talent.  Jason is a talent.  

GRADE: GROOVY -- But because he’s not a ringer, the judges crap all over him.  Simon tries to verbally man-rape his performance, calling it “terrible, and an affront to humanity.” (I might’ve paraphrased a little.)  This is the most naked attempt at sabotage I’ve seen since, uh, last week.  According to the stupid IPod popularity poll that the Idol Producers didn’t want you to see, Jason had the most hits of any Idol.  His Jack Johnson style of poppy love and happiness songs could be on the radio right now... Instead the judges celebrate some godawful Fleetwood Mack or Queen song hackery.  And to further the AI torpedo attempt Pinhead Paula tells Jason not to play his guitar next week.  Why?  Because he stands out right now and could actually win your National Karaoke Wank-fest?  Screw you Idol.

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Luke Menard

Song: “Killer Queen” by uhh, oh, right, Queen.

Notes: Luke gives a sub-standard Idol rendition of a Queen song.  He sounds like he’s making up the lyrics for half the song.  Hell, he might even be singing the right ones, but he still sucks.

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP -- Go home to your lame Sweet Adelines a Capella band, and take your weak-ass falsetto with you.

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Robbie Carrico

Song: “Hot Blooded” by Foreigner

Notes: While trying to keep awake through this boring and soul-less boy band version of “Hot Blooded” I decided that Carrico looks like a midget version of WWE’s The Big Show.  Sings like him too.

NOTES: TOTAL CRAP -- In his brilliant and insightful criticism Randy declares, “It didn’t have enough <constipated sound>.  Actually Randy, his performance had plenty of shit in it.

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Danny Noriega

Song: “Superstar” as sung by The Carpenters

Notes: Danny reveals that he used to be in a punk band.  But after one performance: “We realized we sucked, so we broke up.”  Gotta love the honest self-assessment... and his sweet-sounding vocals on a slow, boring version of the slow, boring song.  

GRADE: BOGUS -- We want that Danny Sass back, and Simon even makes a pass at him.  Gross.

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Dave Hernandez

Song: “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by The Temptations

Notes: I could make funny jokes about Dave’s REAL secret, but he sings a soulful, funky, albeit a little disco version of the venerable Temptations hit.  He actually put a little grit in it, and I liked it.  I’m not going to rush out and download the album or anything, but it was pretty good.

GRADE: GROOVY -- I want to hear David rock out on a George Michael song, with era appropriate dancing and fingerless gloves.

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Jason Yeager

Song: “Long Train Runnin’” by the Doobie Brothers

Notes: Yeager starts out his video package with “One thing America doesn’t know about me is...” and I finished it with, who the HELL ARE YOU?  Yeager’s version was fruity (meaning ostentatious and over the top) and flat.  He ends with a Taylor Hicks dance spasm.  

GRADE: TOTAL CRAP -- Yeager would be VFTW worthy if he wasn’t going home this week.

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Chikezie

Song: “I Believe to My Soul” as sung by Donny Hathaway  

Notes: Chikezie shows us some of the spark and charisma that got him to the finals.  He does a soulful, down and dirty version (by “dirty” I mean muddy and gritty, not pornographic) and shows off his crisp vocals.  He also shows off his take no crap attitude by accidentally firing off an insult at Simon.  And damn right he deserved it, that wanker.  We need more of that gumption.

GRADE: GROOVY -- “I believe you’re trying to make a fool outta me.”  Couldn’t have picked more appropriate lyrics for this show Chikezie.

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David Cook

Song: “All Right Now” by Free

Notes: David finally shows us something.  Although he’s not as fully committed as you would hope for this balls out rock song.  But with his decent rock vocals and good guitar playing at least I’m beginning to see what the deal with Mr. Cook is about.

GRADE: GROOVY

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David Archuleta

Song: “Imagine” by John Lennon

Notes: David gets the pimp slot, and guess what, he gets pimped to the moon.  He shows off his excellent vocals and horrifying death Gasp again on a really, really slow and boring version of the classic song.  He’s the Michael Bolton of his generation, taking great songs and turning them into painful drivel.  He even makes Paula weepy and snotty.  Either that or it was the fistful of muscle relaxants.  

GRADE: GROOVY -- I can’t deny that David can sing.  With his aw-shucks charm, pretty vocals and drippy song choice he should dominate the 14 year old girl and Granny votes.  The Archulater looks like an unstoppable force this year.  

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Your homework for this week...  Take one hour and listen to a great CD in its entirety.  That’s all.  Now didn’t that feel better than 4 hours of Idol schlock?  Tell me about your Cosmic Experience at vftwchan@gmail.com