Top 20 Guys: Talking Back is Chikezie to Do

Who writes Ryan’s lame banter? Seriously. It’s probably the same person who thinks saying “this is the most talented top 24 ever” over and over will eventually make us believe it. This week, the guys disappointed America once again, but plenty of them lobbied for VFTW votes. It’s a statistical dead heat between cannon fodder, so hopefully two of them will leave to make more room for the fiercest competitor, Danny. But I have a message for Danny at the end of my recap that he should listen to if he wants to stick around on the show.

Michael Johns says he’s a bit of a jock and that he likes to play tennis. Tennis takes his mind off the Idol whirlwind. I can take your mind off the Idol whirlwind, Michael. Go home. Then you can forget really easily. His version of “Go Your Own Way” is excruciatingly off key. When the camera does its patented circle, Michael jerks around like he’s having a seizure. This makes him way more VFTW than previous! But he’s still pimped because the judges say it’s ok. OK? If Luke Menard came out and did the same exact performance, Simon would rip him a new one. This means the producers still want him to go really far in the competition, meaning he’s an enemy of VFTW.

Jason Castro hates doing interviews. He makes a lot of stupid faces because he doesn’t know what to say. I think he believe he’s coming across endearing, while I’m sure most people at home are saying “Dude, put down the pot.” Jason is very VFTW in his interviews, but then he sings and he’s too good. His performance of “I Just Want to Be Your Everything” is pretty good. It’s virtually the same performance he gave last week with maybe a little more awkwardness. The judges tear it apart though, with Randy saying the vocals weren’t great, Paula trying to trick him into losing his guitar next week so he’ll go home, and Simon says it was “out of sorts” and uncomfortable. Seriously, it was almost the same exact performance the judges loved last week. Now, let’s see how the sheeple react. I bet most of the kiddies won’t vote for him now, even though he hasn’t changed at all. This show is ridiculous. But hey, whatever saves Danny.

Luke Menard , the boring but blandly attractive cannon fodder, wants us to know that he’s a part of an acapella group. How boring and blandly attractive. He then shocks the hell out of me by picking a risky song, “Killer Queen.” The notes are VFTW-tastic, but he has none of Freddie Mercury’s charisma. He just stands there and sings the song without actually performing it, as if that will translate well to television. Ask Britney Spears how it looks. Not so hot. Randy and Paula shit themselves loving it because they’re idiots paid by VFTW. Simon says that Luke has no charisma and that he’s whiny. Wait? Simon and I agreed? This is cause for a blunt object to the side of my head. That’s better. Luke is happy that 2 of the 3 judges liked him this week. Unfortunately it was the 2 judges who can’t form coherent sentences, so Luke shouldn’t be that proud.

Robbie Carrico, Inbred Justin Timberlake with a terrible beard, tells Simon to “get used to” his rock style. Not really, Robbie. You barely have a few weeks left on the show, if that. His secret is that he likes to drag race cars. Wait, Robbie is white trash? Oh man, this is surprising. I never would have guessed. Besides, he’s just overcompensating with fast cars because he can’t come out and kiss guys. Just do it already. The rest of the cast is gay. He sings “Hot Blooded” in a cold blooded kind of way. His performance last week was much better. This is a boring rock vocal, which I didn’t think was possible. Randy actually accurately says that Robbie doesn’t have enough umph in his voice to sing that song. Simon thought the vocal was ok. I thought he started booking his ticket home by being forgettable.

VFTW champion Danny Noriega is up next, and he tells us how he used to be in a punk rock band his freshman year of high school. The band broke up because they sucked and no one liked them. Good thing too, because now Danny can rule the Idol roost as the VFTW queen. Danny sings “Superstar” and falls into the trap so many before him have fallen into: singing a boring song the second week to “prove they can sing.” Danny, no. This is making you completely forgettable. Luckily, his pre-song package and his post-song sass make up for his inconsistent performance. Randy and Paula say that Danny was overthinking his performance while Simon says that Danny looks terrific on camera. Danny agrees with Simon that last week was a disaster… ish. Ah, another catch phrase from Danny. Ish ish ish. He was very Worsterish today. So I hope you voted for him.

David Hernandez says we’d be surprised to learn he was a gay stripper. No wait, VFTW exposed that. I guess we have to settle with the fact that he was in gymnastics. He says he did backflips and wore tight leotards to win medals. I’m not sure that he’s not talking about the stripping. His stupid growl comes back out in “Papa was a Rolling Stone.” The vocal isn’t bad, and at least David gets to truly queen out this week. If you watch his performance carefully, you can see many of his stripper moves incorporated. Just play it in slow motion and play some Bow-Chicka-Wa-Wow music in the background. You’ll see. His last note goes completely off key because he’s trying way too hard, but it’s a decent vocal overall. Paula says some notes were amazing and he didn’t overdo the growling. Yes, Paula, that’s why we didn’t vote for him. Simon calls the performance “the best vocal of the night so far.” Wait! What happened to the “most talented top 24 ever?” Shouldn’t we be getting 10 amazing vocals this week? Oh wait, that’s right. It was all a lie.

Jason Yeager, the epitome of cannon fodder, wants us to know that he can play 3 instruments. He wanted to play guitar this week, bus instead he decides to wait until he can find a killer song to play it on. Aw, isn’t that cute? He thinks he’ll be here another week. He sings “Without Love” and turns it into one of the cheesiest performances on Idol ever. The vocals aren’t bad, but his whole performance style is just not working with this. Paula says that it was fun to see this side of him, because she’s hoping he’s on something and he can get her some. Simon says last week was boring and this week is awkward with a horrific ending, calling Jason a “quite good singer who can’t perform well.” Yeah, that’s pretty much on the mark. The one great thing about Jason’s performance? It might buy Danny another week.

Chikezie thinks we will be surprised to know he is Nigerian. Um… no. He does tell us though that his name means “well created by God.” That’s pretty amusing actually. Chikezie is also a mispronunciation of his name. He decided it would be chikeasier to have people pronounce it Chikezie. He’s dressed completely ridiculously again, but not as over the top as last week, and he sings “I Believe to my Soul.” It’s decent. I can’t bag on the guy too much though, because he insults Simon every single week. Simon tries to compliment Chikezie, but he can’t help but throw back an insult anyway. Keep that up and we might support you in the future, making your stay a little bit Chikeasier.

David Cook, looking less poserish only because Robbie is in the competition, thinks we would be surprised to know he’s a word nerd who loves crossword puzzles and word searches. Nah, I’d be surprised if he actually liked rock music. He sings “Alright Now” and plays electric guitar. He has a little more attitude than Robbie, but it’s still pretty lackluster. Randy calls him the “real rocker” of the boys this year, much like Scott “Real Rocker” Savol. Paula calls it “smart, fun, relevant, and gfibnenlkfwe;lwef.” Direct quote. Simon calls the performance believable, but says that the film clip didn’t help him. To thank him, David goes off and tells Simon, “I don’t have to win you over with my charisma. I have to win these people over.” Dude, you’re no Chikezie. You can’t insult the judges after they compliment you, it doesn’t work that way. Hopefully this will buy Danny more time on the show as well. I called David as the winner before the finals started, but hopefully he’ll keep sabotaging himself. Simon then says he only gives "constructive criticism." Dude, remember last week when you ripped Garrett apart for being "pale"? That was constructive? Liar.

The last singer of the night is David Archuleta. His secret is that he met the first season Idol finalists when he was 11. That’s not a secret, that’s what everyone already knows about you. I’m glad he admits it, but he conveniently leaves out the part where he then met with Idol producers and was shopped around for a record deal immediately after. When I heard earlier today that David was singing “Imagine”, I knew it would be terrible and the judges would love it anyway. Well, I was right. Technically, he sings in the right key. The notes are good. But the performance is ridiculously terrible because there is no feeling behind anything he’s singing. He isn’t interpreting the song at all, and that’s a big no-no, especially on a song like this with so much meaning behind it. Instead, he just melismifies every note and thinks that doing that release him from having to actually understand the song. He completely misses the message, offending anyone who has ever loved this song. Of course, the judges are the producers’ whores, so they love it. Randy says that he sings with a maturity beyond his years. Yeah, he sings like a 40 year old woman. I thought they were supposed to be “current.” Oh wait, that was last week. Paula wants to dangle him from her rear view mirror. Um…. that joke wrote itself. Simon tells him, “You’re the one to beat.” He also told LaKisha this last year, so I’m pretty sure David will not win. Of course, the producers stupidly let him talk again at the end of the performance and David again proves that he’s dumb as a post. “Oh golly gee, did I just sing a song on American Idol? Jeepers, I just wandered into this room here and then they asked me to sing, so I did. I had no idea I would be televised. Gee whiz, this is all so unexpected. *emphysema breathing* Har har har har…”

So who’s going home? Definitely not Pimpchuleta. My guess would definitely a shot of Jason Yeager with a side of Robbie Carrico. Danny is in real danger, but hopefully the fodder helped boost his chances for another week. Bus Danny, here’s my message to you. Next week, you can’t play it safe. You need to come out on stage, camp it up big time, and just let loose. That will get you votes. Singing a slow song isn’t going to do it. So if you’re still around, let out your inner Sanjaya. It’s for your own good and ours as well. Thank you.