Top 20 Girls: Carry On My Worster Sons and Daughters

“Millions of families are watching. The futures of 10 girls hang in the balance. There can only be one show. This is American Idol.” Seriously… I can write better crap than this. Please fire Seacrest’s writer. I’ll write every line for the show if we can rig this up so a VFTW pick can win. I would have said Danny as of last night, but tonight Amanda proved to be even better this week at least. Read on!

Carly Smithon thinks we’ll be surprised to learn she works in an Irish bar. I’m surprised to learn she makes herself into such a stereotype. She sings “Crazy on You” and it’s by far the best vocal of the night. Her singing is surprisingly decent and it’s a good song choice on her part. It works way better than her last choice because it seems more natural, as if she picked it and wasn’t asked by the producers to sing it (come on, we all know that’s what happened last week). The last note is completely off though. Randy says she had pitch problems and Simon says she hasn’t connected with the right song yet. He does call her an incredible singer and “the girl to beat” though. Eh, as much as I hate the pimpage, at least this week she sang decently enough to deserve it.

Syesha Mercado wants to surprise us with the fact that she’s a commercial actor. Boring. But at least she admits it. The far more interesting fact is that she can literally cry like a baby, and it’s pretty funny. She sings “Me and Mrs. Jones” but changes the lyrics to “Me and Mr. Jones.” It’s boring. I wish she’d sung the Amy Winehouse song by that title. What kind of fuckery is this? Her voice was pleasant, but completely forgettable this week. Paula says that Syesha goes off on the soft notes but sounds good when she powers it. Actually, I think it’s the exact opposite. Simon calls it a bit indulgent and says he was put off because the song wasn’t designed for a girl or for her voice. Simon’s shirt obviously wasn’t designed to hold all of his boobage either because he’s a dude, but he makes it work. Syesha sort of made the song work. Though hey, I wouldn’t miss her if she went home and saved room for Amanda.

Brooke Whire is up 3rd, and she wants to surprise us by telling us she went to beauty school. Finally, I’m surprised, because the bitch always looks like a hot mess. Her ratty looking hair doesn’t go with her Skeletor frame at all. She sings “You’re So Vain,” and it’s decent. She’s basically on pitch, but her voice cracks way too much during the song like she’s straining it to even hit comfortable notes. It’s strange. Randy asks if the song is about Simon, while Simon agrees that the song is about him and adds that he loves it. There’s not a whole lot else to say since she’s so boring, so just picture Skeletor on stage with a blonde wig singing coffee house pop and you have Brooke.

Ramiele Malubay wants to surprise us by mentioning that she likes to hula. Wait, who had that same secret talent last year? Sanjaya! Her hula isn’t as good as Sanjaya, but she then comes out singing “Don’t Leave Me This Way” with craptacular vocals. Is this a bid for the open VFTW seat? First she hulas, then she really stinks up the stage. Ramiele can’t handle a fast song at all, and she crashes and burns quickly. Paula says that Ramiele is still “one to beat” (yes Paula, 19 of them are “ones to beat”… someone else will beat them to win). Simon says that he has heard that song so many times at ghastly weddings that this week he won’t remember her. He then calls her one of the top 3 best singers in the competition (we know the other 2 are Carly and Pimpchuleta). Ramiele then unintentionally gives herself a fitting nickname, saying that if she had sung another slow song, she’d have been Lullaby Malubay. That’s one of the best nicknames ever if she bores us to tears again next week with a ballad. Which she will after this whole fast song thing tanked.

KKKristy Lee Cook says we’d be surprised to know that she blows everyone on every block to try to get a record deal. Actually, she just tells us that she’s a tomboy that “does everything outdoors”, “likes cleaning up”, and then follows that up with, “You name it, I’ll try it.” Seriously, the whore explanation sounds more plausible. She sings “You’re No Good” and the jokes write themselves again. Unfortunately, none of the judges took her up on it and told her to her face that she’s no good. Really, her performance was just boring with a lot of awful notes and a gloriously awful bum note near the end. Paula and Randy say that Kristy is back… back from putting a burning cross in someone’s front yard. Simon says that this week was a huge improvement, but he has no idea how to label her. How about a big stamp on her forehead that says “Racist Whore” or something along those lines? Seems fitting to me.

Amanda Overmyer wants us to know she’s a bookworm. Even moreso, she wants us to know she’s a Worster. Her performance of “Carry On My Wayward Son” couldn’t have been much worse. Her outfit is ridiculously remarkable, her hair is wonderfully tacky, and her singing is abysmally awesome. This may be one of the worst Idol vocals I’ve heard in my 7 seasons of watching this show. Amanda, you are my hero. The performance from top to bottom was brilliantly VFTW, and Amanda automatically became the pick before she finished singing. It doesn’t even matter what anyone else sings tonight. No one can top that. Randy doesn’t like her performance because it had to many instrumental breaks and the song has too much melody. That doesn’t even make any sense. Paula likes Amanda’s moves. And Simon says her performance was contrived: “what you’re wearing, the terrible hair, the ugly song.” He ends it with, “If you want the popular vote, you’re not going to get it by doing that.” Wait… was that his way of saying that she earned the VFTW vote instead of the popular vote? Well she did earn our votes quite easily, and I happily power dialed for 2 hours for her. Let’s hope it pays off.

Alaina Whitaker tries the Melinda Doolittle OCD strategy and tells us that she doesn’t like when food on her plate touches different food. Her performance of “Hopelessly Devoted to You” is comprised of over the top screeching and horrible belting. Oh well, there goes all of the work she did to make herself a contender last week. Randy doesn’t like it, but Paula does. Simon says it looks like her grandmother prepared her for the show and that the song was pageanty. He does compliment her by calling her a dark horse though, and he says he likes he better than he did a few weeks ago. Too bad if she sings like this again, she’ll be a fodder horse.

Alexandrea Lushington lets us know that she was supposed to try out for the Atlanta Fire Department. Her secret is as lifeless as she is. I kind of want to like her because she seems to have such a rich voice, but she keeps picking lame songs. Oh wait, that’s right, I’m sure the producers are picking the songs. Sorry about that Alexandrea. Looks like you’re being sabotaged. She sings “If You Leave Me Now” and it’s ok. Her upper register isn’t nearly as refined as her lower register, so they sound awkward when used together. And since she relies on her upper register much more this week, it just doesn’t work as well. Paula enjoyed it because she wanted to hear a female take on the song, but Simon says that Alex is struggling and that the performance was boring. Alex calls herself an underdog, hoping she’ll get a third chance to take a bite out of Idol. Really though, the only thing saving her would be the sympathy vote. And I think it might buy her one more week.

Kady Malloy surprises us by saying she sings opera. We even get a shot of her singing in the bathroom. How exciting. Kady seriously has the personality of paint drying. She’s just not all there, especially in interviews. And she just always looks so pissed off. It’s pretty funny. “Magic Man” is a bad performance, but honestly, I was so bored that I tuned her out. Simon is frustrated because he loves Kady on film but can’t stand her in person. He calls her performance this week a Christina Aguilera impression on a song with no melody. I bet she’s really regretting showing the producers her impressions now. Every week the judges tell her, “Find Kady and stop doing impressions.” The girl isn’t doing impressions. She just isn’t that good. But because of her backstory, the judges try to figure out how to incorporate “impressions” into their weekly critiques. Oh well, she’s gone this week, so it won’t matter anyway.

Lastly, Asia’h Epperson shocks no one when she tells us she was a cheerleader. She sings “All By Myself” and she is definitely by herself… in a master class of suck. Her vocals are extremely rough and she even misses a word in the first chorus. She finally ends the song with some decent glory notes, but that’s after royally screwing up 95% of the song with her terrible voice. This one is a total late in the game VFTW pick, so keep an eye on her. She’s just terrible. Paula says that Asia’h may have sucked, but it’s ending of the song that counts. Actually, to me, the entire thing counts. But then again, I’m not abusing Vicodin, so maybe I’m wrong. Simon tells Asia’h that “you have to be one heck of a singer to pull that off and you’re not a very good singer.” OK, again, if this girl is “not a very good singer,” why did you put her in the top 24? I rest my case. The judges prove why VFTW is awesome every day.

So who’s going home? Asia’h will ride her sob story for at least a few more weeks, while Carly and Brooke sang decently enough to stick around. I think Kady will definitely go home, but her partner in exile is tough to figure out. Deciding between KKKristy and Alexandrea, I’ll go with KKKristy. Though it could also be Alaina or Syesha if America is fickle and can’t remember back to a week ago. Our Amanda is also in danger, but hopefully we saved her. Guess we’ll see!