Guys Sing #3: Where Boys Show Off Their Vocal Prowness

Ahh, this is the Idol I know and love. Tonight we hear Cheesy hits from the 80’s featuring Whitney and Celine... and this is the DUDES SINGING!

Idol is in full effect this week, on the most grueling drop off until the Final Four (6 out 8 stay, so that’s 1:4 you’re getting the boot.” I’d take those odds in Vegas, but don’t take a deep breath yet Noriega. We’re not out of the woods at all.

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For those of you born in the 90’s I’ll be using this Dudical 80’s slaing, so bear with me: RADICAL = GOOD, BOGUS = BAD and GNARLY if you rocked it in strange and unusual ways.

Luke Menard - Looking like Raul Castro in his Bio Video

Song: “Wake Me Up Before You Go... Go.” By Wham! (1984)

NOTES: Danny can thank Luke for taking the first going home slot with this high-pitched, whiny version of an ‘80s classic that makes George Michael look like Hulk Hogan compared to the pencil-neck-geekiness of Luke. Paula has an ‘80s acid flashback and thinks she was on tour with Wham! or something like that.

GRADE: BOGUS -- Let’s see if the pre-teen girls are voting for the, like totally cute guys or the good singers.

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The ARCHULATER -- Channeling Phil Collins and his Piano 2 level keyboarding skills.

SONG: “Another Day In Paradise” (1989) By Phil Collins

NOTES: Well, in true Archulater fashion he picked the wussiest song possible and gasped his way through it. To be fair, his gasping wasn’t that bad this time, and he could’ve done a Michael Bolton song, so David showed some restraint. He hits all the right Idol moves: the dramatic stand up from the keyboard, the earnest singing the song that will end homelessness. The wistful glory notes. The Archulater is “in it to win it” as they say in the peanut gallery.

Randy says David didn’t show off his “vocal prowness (sic)”, and was in agreement with Paula that the whole song was horribly out of tune. But in the ever-changing rules of Idol, where Ringers get every benefit of the doubt, it suddenly doesn’t matter that he was off key (even though he wasn’t, and Paula’s just extra high this week.) Simon says Archuleta was entirely too serious and I was saying the same thing, to the TV. See, if you’re actually ON TV you can sound like a genius for making basic musical observations. Simon tells David to lighten up, but I see David’s point too, it’s serious business being a 17 year old musical sensation in a Karaoke contest. Archuleta is a professional singing show winner, after all.

GRADE: BOGUS - I thought the performance of a boring and tedious song was equally boring and tedious and David takes himself too damn seriously for me to take him, er, seriously.

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Danny “Funky Fresh” Noriega -- Rocking the purple pleather with purple hair highlights.

Song: “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell -- From Wikipedia:

“Tainted Love" is a song performed by Ed Cobb, formerly of The Four Preps. It was originally recorded in 1964 by Gloria Jones, and was re-recorded by Ruth Swann in 1975 in a version which influenced, more closely than the original, the 'feel' of the subsequent electro-pop chart-topping cover version which brought the track to the attention of a wider audience. It attained worldwide fame after being covered by Soft Cell in 1981. It has since been covered by numerous other groups/artists.”

NOTES: Danny must be feeling nervous because he takes a page from the Sanjaya playbook and goes with the funky hair and costume in order to make us love him more. He performs to a thoroughly crappy arrangement of the song (is the band conspiring with the Producers to send our Worster home?). But he sexes it up, clearly taking that inspiration from Michael Jackson, and at least he interprets the song title well.

GRADE: GNARLY -- Because although he gets warm kudos from the judges Danny gives Simon attitude when home-girl goes after his purple streaked hair, and then Noriega had to throw the half-antler from last week right in Simon’s player-hatin’ face, like “Bitch, please.” We love you, Danny. Keep up the strong work.

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David “Captain Dingus” Hernandez -- I wish his secret involved telling us his stripper name. I’m guessing it was “Fidel En Fuego”.

Song: “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now.” A crappy song written by Jim Steinman for a novelty band called Original Sin in 1989 but made INfamous by Celine in 1996 and Meatloaf in 2006

NOTES: Captain Dingus is probably going home, maybe for his singing, maybe for his stripping. I think the whole thing is a total crock, and if a dude wants to give totally nude lap-dances that shouldn’t effect his standing in a Karaoke Contest. But then it was whiggedy-Whack when the Producers sent Frenchie Davis home for her nudie web-site photos because of some arbitrarily enforced “Morality Clause.” Like I haven’t seen worse stuff on a tyical FOX Thursday night at 8:00.

GRADE: BOGUS -- What, no Wham from David the Dancing Machine? He really deserves to go home for doing Dion.

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Michael “Shouter” Johns -- Doing his best to imitate Michael Hutchence who was doing his best to ape Jim Morrison.

SONG: “Don’t You Forget About Me.” (1985) by Simple Minds -- Randy got all befuddled and said Johns was taking it back to his Australian roots, but INXS never performed this song. And Simple Minds is from Scotland, so Randy’s a bobo.

NOTES: Michael does an album-quality approximation of this song. He’s still an inconsistent singer who is prone to shouting. But this song was pretty good, by his standards.

GRADE: RADICAL - Johns clearly believes everything he touches turns to AWESOME. I still think he sucks, but I’m being fair.

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David Cook

Song: “Hello” (1984) by Lionel Richie

NOTES: David Cook does a Bryan Adams-esque “rock” version of the song and it’s fairly entertaining. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the song sucks in a variety of ways, but Cook’s performance was well done. Now before you all write me that he was ripping off some obscure version like how Archuleta was ripping off the Eva Cassidy version of “Imagine” last week save the e-mails. I don’t care. This song stinks, and I never want to hear it again. Even though a Nightwish/Sonata Arctica version would be interesting... but no, the song still sucks.

GRADE: RADICAL - Randy in full-on bobo mode calls it “an Emo version.” Why is that the least bit Emo? And now apparently Simon once again likes people who take risks. (Since when?) And for some reason he thinks that playing a guitar is a risk, I guess.

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Jason Castro

Song: “Hallelujah” as sung by Jeff Buckley, but originally sung by Leanard Cohen in 1984 but never released in America at that time. So basically “Songs from the 80’s” means songs sung by someone around 1985, but made famous in the 1990’s or 2000’s. Hey, you make up the stupid rules Idol Producers, I just point out how they’re stupid.

NOTES: Jason has a charming persona and he does a good but not earth-shattering job here. He makes funny faces while he sings, which is why I like him. Also he can turn any song into a hippy-dippy paen to love and brotherhood. And he kind of looks like Travolta doing Glarr (or whatever his name was) from “BattleField Earth” but 20 years younger. For some reason Jason whiffs on the last falsetto “oooh” part and the judges choose to ignore it. At least the judges are consistent... consistently idiotic. Any other day butchering the glory note on Idol is immediate grounds for dismissal.

GRADE: RADICAL -- Jason Castro makes me warm and tingly inside. Now quickly grab a guitar and never let it leave your hands.

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Chikezie

Song: “All the Woman I Need” as sung by Luther Vandross but originally sung by Linda Clifford in 1981.

Notes: Chikezie does a servicable Vandross impression, but his overall performance is weak and he’s flat half the song. Really, really flat. So flat he might be going home. For some reason Simon outs himself as being an ignorant jack-ass. He asks Chikezie if Whitney ever performed the song. Chikezie breaks down the genesis of the song, and this dude KNOWS the damn song. Simon interrupts and just wants to know if Whitney sang it. Yes, indeed she did. So Simon decides he hates it. What the hell? This song was on THE GODDAMN CLEARED SONG LIST. If nobody but freakin’ Whitney can sing these songs THEN SAY SO YOU SIMPLETON! So if Whitney never sang the song then Simon would like Chikezie’s performance? Sometimes the stupidity on this show makes my head spin.

GRADE: I’ll bump it up to GNARLY for the baffled look on Chikezie’s face after Simon’s asinine critique. I feel your pain, dude.

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This felt like a standard mid-season Idol effort. Randy being slow-witted, Paula being drunk and tongue-tied (seriously, she sounds mentally retarded sometimes.) And Simon is clearly playing the favorites game, ignoring obviously butchered notes in favor of the singers he likes. Even declaring that Archuleta should be in the Final Two. No, really? What a surprise.

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Until tomorrow when we get my beloved Amanda rocking out...

--Chan