Top 16 Guys: Danny Noriega Realizes His Full VFTW Potential

Seacrest tells us two guys will fail tonight. One will rise to the top and become a legend by wishing that Santa Claus does terrible things to your mothers. Oh Danny, I knew you had it in you. For that video and your awesome performance this week, I reward you with 2 hours of my voting time. Hopefully it will be enough to save you.

Luke Boring says his most embarrassing moment was when he dressed like a ballerina for his big sister. I thought he would say it was having to perform on the Idol stage week after week while ruining any chance of a singing career. He chooses "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"... oh wait, that's right. The producers choose songs for the contestants. The producers choose "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" for Luke in an effort to have him leave the show. The effort basically works as Luke just does an encore of last week where he barely moves and hardly performs while singing poorly. Randy and Paula call it a surprising song choice. I have no idea why Luke didn't take advantage of the fact that the show was live to say, "I didn't pick the song, you numbskulls. The producers made me sing it." Paula also likes Luke's "great instrument" and drools over him like he's Corey Clark on a plate. Simon hates it and says there is no chance for Luke to make it after that song. If he was a VFTW pick, that would be a battle call. But since he's boring, let's hope Simon is right so Danny can stay.

David Pimpchuleta does his annoying, wheezy laugh before he even starts singing. Apparently he's thirsty and has to pee. Well, he can kill 2 birds with one stone if he just wouldn't talk about it and become one of those weird people who drink their own urine. He only seems a few steps away anyway at this point. His most embarrassing moment is when he went to Honduras for a fundraiser and couldn't finish singing a song, so his mom finished for him. Poor baby, it must suck to be rich enough to fly to Honduras to do fundraisers. David then continues to turn American Idol into a pageant by singing "Another Day in Paradise" with way too much melisma and way too little emotion. It's becoming a pattern. Though one funny thing to do during David's performances is to count how many times he licks his lips for no good reason while he sings. It's a high number. Randy says the song didn't show off David's vocal prowess. Paula likes that he didn't perform as well because it makes him human. What the fuck? So now performing poorly is excusable? Simon says that it wasn't as good as last week and that David needs to lighten up and stop being so gloomy. David answers this by saying he wanted to bring to light the people all around the world who don't have homes. This isn't Charity Idol, save that shit for Idol Gives Head. I'm sure all of the grandmothers and tweens who saw that though now find David to be quite the *wheeze* humanitarian *gasp*. Simon also predicts David will be in the final 2. I'd be happy with him leaving around... now.

Denise Richards gives us her most embarrassing moment by being caught on camera tonight watching American Idol in the audience. Your career needs a boost, huh?

Danny Noriega sings third, and it is a glorious VFTW moment indeed. Before he sings though, he lets us know that his most embarrassing moment is when his friend tripped him in front of one of his crushes. Is the show seriously making him talk in non-gender-specific terms? You know Danny didn't say it like that. He probably said, "Oh my God, this hot guy was there, and my friend tripped me, and now I'm not going to get any. So I did a diva snap at my friend and got all my bitches to key her car. Take that, ho." He sings "Tainted Love" and it's so wonderfully over the top and fun. This is the performance I've been waiting for with Danny. Finally, he's back in the game, and is actually competing with Amanda for the VFTW vote if we have to choose between them next week. Danny flirts with the camera, dresses in a leather jacket, and adds purple streaks to his hair while camping it up for us. It is by far one of the best performances of the season so far. Great work, Danny, and good on you for taking my advice from last week! Randy says it started pitchy but he liked the end. Paula calls him "spicy and sensitive", to which Simon calls him a chicken wing. Simon hates the performance and calls Danny "horrible and absolutely useless." This is hardly constructive criticism, but it's a great launching pad to inspire VFTW to dial for 2 hours. Danny sasses Simon back by making fun of his moose hands and then sasses Ryan by making fun of him when he pretends not to see the purple streaks in his hair. Danny, you have in one week become truly amazing. Keep this up and we might be saying Amanda who?

David Hernandez wants us to know his most embarrassing moment is when VFTW found out he's a stripper and exposed him... but not in the good way. Actually, it's just that he had a booger in a photo. Lame. He sings "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" and it's in his typical over-the-top, diva style. The vocals are pretty good, but he's queening out almost as much as Danny this week. Is this come kind of battle for the gay vote? I'll have to ask my gay brothers and sisters to ignore this and vote for Danny. The quicker David is voted out, the quicker he'll be back stripping at Dick's, so anyone who likes him should stop voting for him immediately. Simon says the performance was not as good as last week, but that he's secured a spot in the finals. This is just so the producers can say, "America, you voted out David! We kept him on the show, but you let him go." Will it happen this week? Maybe. It'll definitely happen by the top 11 though, because they don't want David's stripper moves on the tour.

Michael Johns was embarrassed when he was a kangaroo mascot for a rugby match and 4 guys beat him up pretty bad. I will pay good money for the video. Please send it to mail@votefortheworst.com as soon as possible. Thanks much. I like those guys! He sings "Don't You Forget About Me" with lots of screaming and constipated squats. He sounds decent until the last chorus where he starts screaming instead of singing. The entire chorus. It's painful. So painful. Randy likes that the Aussie boy "went home for 80's week" and thinks he sounds like Michael Hutchence does on the song. Randy, this is not an INXS song and the band that performs the song is not Australian. You are a fucking moron. Paula likes hearing the strength in Michael's low range, "minus a few bum notes we've seen from everyone so far." So if everyone has bum notes, how can this still be the "OMG BEST TOP 24 EVER!!!" Simon says "Michael, you are like one of the girls in the competition..." then he goes on to say it's because he hasn't had his big moment yet. But I like to leave it at "You are like one of the girls in the competition." Then Simon starts complimenting the awful performance, showing what a sell-out he is. So basically, Simon's comments can be summed up as "You performed poorly, but you're one of our pimped guys, so the producers pay me to compliment you and I'll come up with a reason for people to vote for you."

David Cook's most embarrassing moment was forgetting the words to a song in a talent show. What, he couldn't just fly to Honduras and have his mom finish it for him? That's what everyone does nowadays. He sings "Hello" and turns it into a mild rock version. He's not that great of a singer, but kudos to him for at least trying something different. It sounds kind of good until... what's the pattern this year, kids... he starts unnecessarily screaming toward the end. Now I regret complimenting him. He also needs to enunciate more because he mumbles through half the words to every song. Randy calls the performance brilliant and Paula says she needs a hit today. I mean, she says the song could be a hit today. Simon calls it brave and says he loved it because it was risky. It wasn't that risky, guys, and it wasn't that good. But with the lack of talent this year, even a turd looks good next to a giant turd.

Boring, awkward Jason Castro ripped one of his dreads out on a date. Try washing your hair, buddy. This week he sings "Hallelujah" without his guitar. He's a fool for listening to the judges, but he's still pretty good. His voice is only suited for light songs though, he's going to struggle when he picks anything that he has to sing with more conviction. Paula calls the performance effortless and Simon calls it brilliant. Nothing that has ever been done on this show is brilliant except for the ponyhawk.

Last, and in some cases least, Chikezie is up. His most embarrassing moment is that he regularly used the women's bathroom. He then bores us to death by singing the same song he sang in his audition, "All the Woman I Need." Technically, it's good, but his high notes and oversinging at the end are bad. It's as if they all don't learn from week to week. Randy calls it a bad and surprising song choice. Hey, dumbass, this isn't surprising because he sang this song for his audition. And it's not bad because you put him through to Hollywood when he sang it. Am I the only one who remembers this? I honestly feel bad for Chikezie because he has to put up with this idiocy. Simon asks Chikezie is this is a Whitney Houston song? Chikezie then correctly points out who sang the song when, saying that Whitney was the 3rd person to sing it in 1991. This makes Simon angry, because Simon is an idiot, and he asks again, "Is it a Whitney song?" Chikezie answers yes, and Simon says, "Well in that case, I hated it." What? If he had said no, would you have loved it? Simon is such an idiot sometimes. Chikezie obviously was not performing the Whitney Houston version of the song. Though Jacuzzi disappoints me by not talking back to Simon this week. Oh well. He had the pimp spot, so we'll see him next week and he'll be back to flame Simon another day.

Who goes home? Definitely Luke, as not even the deaf will vote for him after that. The other spot is a toss-up. If the votes were actually counted, I'd say Michael Johns. But since they're not, I'll go with David Hernandez. It could definitely be Danny though. I think the producers will want the stripper scandal gone asap though, so the "America, how could you do this to poor David Hernandez after we kept him on?" may happen this week.