Top 16 Girls: Zzzzz... The Ballad of Lullaby and Sysleepsha

As I remember the 80's, it was a fun, flamboyant decade full of synth-pop and colorfully embarrassing fashions. As Idol remembers the 80's, it was a boring decade full of pre-crack Whitney Houston, ballads, and more pre-crack Whitney Houston. I could barely stay awake during tonight's episode. No one was good enough to merit applause and no one was bad enough to merit VFTW. They all just kind of phoned it in and bored me to tears. Even their embarrassing moments were boring. For that reason, my recap will rate each singer based on which lifeless activity they embodied tonight.

Asia'h Epperson

Song: I Wanna Dance With Somebody

Embarrassing Moment: Falling over on roller skates.

Performance was like: Waiting for a cake to bake when you're really hungry.

Notes: Asia'h bounced around the stage in one of the only up-tempo numbers, but of course she tackles a bland Whitney Houston number. Her voice isn't very good, but the song actually hides it well and she sounds decent. After her performance, J-Fu goes from crying to happy to sad to surprised to disappointed within 7 seconds. I go from awake to asleep.

Judges' Reactions: Randy thought it was hot. Paula says she nailed it. Simon calls it second rate Whitney Houston. Asia'h is more than happy with that distinction. Why am I not surprised?

Kady Malloy

Song: Who Wants to Live Forever

Embarrassing Moment: Making a speaker system collapse after sucking it up at a talent show.

Performance was like: Being two steps away from Katharine McPhee with a roll of duct tape, but too bored to actually place it over her mouth.

Notes: Kady does the Katharine version of this song, screeching out high notes and boring the audience to tears. Katharine was at least way worse though, Kady just falls into sleepy territory. Instead of coming across VFTW, she just comes across like she's ready to go home and couldn't care less about performing tonight. But not even in a fun way.

Judges' Reactions: Randy is surprised with the song choice, because he forgets that the producers severely limit the song choices and basically pick songs for the contestants. Simon thinks she sounds like a robot when she sings, yet he still likes Carrie Underwood.

Amanda Overmyer

Song: I Hate Myself for Loving You

Embarrassing Moment: Burning down a pool. Better than the others, at least.

Performance was like: A bedridden hospital patient singing karaoke while waiting for the sleep meds to kick in.

Notes: Amanda is much better than last week, but it's because she picked a 3-note song and barely attempted to sing it. It's utterly boring, as if Amanda isn't even trying to be good or be VFTW. It's like she's given up. At least we know she's incredibly inconsistent and can unleash a terrible performance next week for us if she tries.

Judges' Reactions: They loved it. The producers must really love her, because honestly, it wasn't that good. But Simon falls all over himself telling her that it was fantastic. Amanda just stands there and looks down as if she's embarrassed to even be on the show, which is a VFTW victory. But her usual sparkling personality is gone. Has the show killed off your spirit that fast, Amanda? Pity. After that performance, Danny quickly became the VFTW frontrunner, but Amanda is still on the benches if she pulls out something terrible next week.

Carly Smithson

Song: I Drove All Night

Embarrassing Moment: Getting her fat leg stuck in a railing.

Performance was like: Surfing the internet and realizing you've visited all of your favorite sites 3 times in the last hour.

Notes: As Paula put it, a "dependable dog." We know Carly can sing. She was basically on key. But there was no life behind the song and it came across as lame. She'll easily sail through with the pimpage and past performances though.

Judges' Reactions: Simon again tells her she chose the wrong song and she shouts back, "What do you like?" A sign of life in a contestant tonight? Well, that's a good start. But Simon likes crap like Celine Dion and covers of "Unchained Melody", so his opinion counts for nothing.

KKKristy Lee Cook

Song: Faithfully

Embarrassing Moment: Singing in front of a Confederate flag. No wait... pretending to be a dog.

Performance was like: Watching golf on television.

Notes: Who knew KKKristy would be the one to bring a little emotion to the night? Her rendition was surprisingly competent and had some real emotion behind it. Sure, it was very little, but after the night so far, it was at least welcome. That said, Kristy can't sing very well if she's not doing "Amazing Grace" for the 500th time, so the big notes sound strained and flat.

Judges' Reactions: Randy and Paula think this could be a hit for the country girl. Good thing she has something going for her, as she's probably going home after being confused with the other blondes.

Ramiele "Pots and Pans Blitches" Malubay

Song: Against All Odds (aka the VFTW Anthem)

Embarrassing Moment: She dropped off a picture of herself for a boy she liked and he laughed at her.

Performance was like: Watching paint dry.

Notes: Ramiele consistently ruins her chances by singing boring songs and putting the audience to sleep. The nickname she gave herself, Ramiele Lullaby, is fitting. She's smart to sing slow songs though as she tends to perform fast songs poorly. Where is the life in this one though? She's best friends with Danny Noriega. Danny comes out and gives us fun. Ramiele comes out and gives us incentive to go to bed early. Where is the girl who posts POTS AND PANS BLITCHES on her MySpace and takes pictures of herself grabbing her friends' boobs? We know she's in there somewhere. But Ramiele is too busy playing Dress Up for TV that she's ruining her chances of winning. At least we get a shot of Danny wearing her glasses. Danny even takes the spotlight on the girls' night too.

Judges' Reactions: Paula drunkenly mutters about mutts and Simon calls it old fashioned. At least we got a good Paula moment tonight out of this. She's been far too sober recently.

Brooke White

Song: Love is a Battlefield

Embarrassing Moment: Telling some guy at church that she wanted to go home, thinking it was her dad.

Performance was like: Playing chess via snail mail with a friend in China.

Notes: This was the most boring battlefield ever. Her version wasn't bad, but I'm torn on whether I liked it. Slowing down a song doesn't necessarily make it good, especially when the song has a lot of life in its fast incarnation. It's like making a ballad out of "I Love Rock n Roll." So while Brooke sings ok, it's not totally working. Also, she still needs to eat a cheeseburger and her voice squeaks way too much like she's a guitar.

Judges' Reactions: Randy calls it nothing new, Paula wishes there was more of the band, and Simon calls it original and a good performance 2 weeks in a row. Brooke must be blowing Simon behind the scenes. That's what she does when the others all go to see an R-rated movie.

Syesha Mercado

Song: Saving All My Love For You

Embarrassing Moment: A kid tells the teacher when she writes him a note saying, "Do you like me. Circle yes or no." Why do these bores all have embarrassing moments from 10 years ago? And why do none of them match their embarrassing moments on the official Idol profiles?

Performance was like: Watching a night of American Idol where everyone bores you to death

Notes: It's better than her last few performances, but she's always boring. She needs a nickname like Zzzzyesha or Sysleepsha. If only her last name rhymed with Lullaby. Oh well. She definitely steps up her singing though. But will anyone care? And did anyone actually sit through the whole show to get to her voting number?

Judges' Reactions: Because the show is running late, Randy calls it good, Paula calls it lovely, and Simon calls it predictable but good.

So who goes home? I'm thinking no one will be able to tell the Interchangeable Blonde Whores apart again, and Kady and KKKristy will split votes and leave us. There's an outside chance on Ramiele snoozing her way home, but I think we'll be losing all of the blondes except Skeletor.