Girls Sing#3: Can we vote them ALL OFF?

And we thought the guys were boring.  Let’s see, Whitney, Celine, Whitney... AND Phil Collins.  Sailor pants are the IN 2008 fashion statement (and a putrid one.)  And Off-Tempo singing is the new performance faux pas.  Let’s hear Randy come up with a stupid word for that.

Also, none of the girls warrants a cool nickname because with the exception of our VFTW champion Amanda they all have zero personality.

Paula: “I don’t know what’s going on here?”  I do, and it’s called Idol Takes a Nap.

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Grades - RADICAL= GOOD, BOGUS= BAD and ZZZzzzz is REALLY BAD.

Asiah Epperson

Song: “I Want to Dance With Somebody” by Whitney Houston

NOTES: Asiah starts the Whitney-Celine parade off on a bad foot.  She is the trend-setter in other bad ways tonight, too.  She's the first to wear high-waisted sailor pants.  She's the first to feature Off-Tempo Singing.  And she's the first to put me to sleep.  Yeah, she hits the main themes.  This song version is directly from the ‘80s and Randy stupidly takes credit for producing this song.  You'd think he'd just cash his money quietly and try to avoid blame for this dance-pop oldie-but baddie with it’s cheesy Casio keyboard instrumentation and robotic hand-clapping rhythm. (which the show lovingly recreated)  Asiah sings it fine, and it’s a perky song.  She hits some off notes, but out of tune singing is apparently okay now on Idol vis-a-vis the Paula/Archulater comments from yesterday.  The judges agree that this song is “too big” for Asiah.  What the hell is too big about this song?  This was Whitney’s first mainstream hit.  She didn’t get into the stratospheric vocals until much later.  “I wanna dance with somebody, I want to feel the HEAT with somebody?”  That’s teeny-bopper stuff. 

GRADE: BOGUS - Any Whitney on Idol is bad Whitney.  There was one interesting moment when Simon apparently forgot his scripted line inducting Asiah into the top 12 and Ryan prompted him, “She’s in the top 12, right Simon?”  Instead of making a snide comment Simon responds on cue, “Yeah, top 12.”  I call SHENANIGANS!  You can’t tell me that they don’t already have the top 12 picked out with pre-programmed banter like that.  I demand a recount.

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Kady Malloy

Song: “Who Wants To Live Forever?” by Queen from “The Highlander” soundtrack in 1986.

 Notes:  Anything by Queen is usually fine by me, but Kady does a great hatchet job on this one.  She butchers all of the first part, although she sings much better on the repeated second verse.  But damn, the tempo is dirge-like and just exposes Kady’s thin vocals and sharp singing.

GRADE: ZZZzzz -- “Who Wants To Live Forever?” sounds like another ironic Idol get sent home song, doesn’t it?

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Amanda Overmyer

Song: “I Hate Myself For Loving You” by Joan Jett (1988)

Notes: Remember when I said Amanda is the only girl with personality?  That’s only when she’s singing.  When she’s not making parmesan music with her cheese grater voice she’s really dull and inoffensive.  She hardly speaks.  The judges have to twist her arm to get her to smile.  Don't do it Amanda, you're better than them.  Amanda's performance is exquisite in it's badness this week but nothing can match last week’s “Wayward Son” horror show.  I watched it again just to remind myself of the heights Amanda can achieve if she puts her mind to it.  Amanda starts off with a solid power squat, then into some side singing (to the right, to the left, now) then hits a death rattle shriek on the glory note.  Yes!  Now that ends the song with emphasis.  Amanda was pretty rocking on a Motley Crue sounding sing-along version of the song.  Not good by any means, but you know, loud.

Notes: RADICAL -- Simon oddly declareds that Amanda is one of his favorites because she’s so good.  She’s my favorite too but for completely opposite reasons. 

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Carly Smithson

Song: “I Drove All Night” by Bill Steinman for Roy Orbison in 1987, but his version wasn’t released until 1992, but made famous by Cyndi Lauper in 1989 and also... wait for it... Celine Dion in 2003.  No prize for guessing which version Celine Smithson is aping.

Notes: It’s Carly doing Celine, what else is there to say?  There’s lots of wailing and over-emoting.  Also she’s wearing those awful sailor pants that don’t fit so well and it makes it look like Carly is wearing adult diapers.  They showed multiple close-ups of Carly’s proud Irish ma.  Carly’s mom is hot.  I had lots of time to notice these things while trying not to listen to her sing.

GRADE: BOGUS -- I wish I had stronger grades for how terrible this performance was.

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Kristy Cooke

Song: “Faithfully” by Journey (1983)

Notes: Kristy does a vaguely country version of the song. Thankfully “Faithfully” is so bland it dissipates from your memory mere moments after listening is completed, so I don’t recall much of what happened.  I do remember all of the high notes were flat.  I also recall Kristy had a red tongue from a throat lozenge or something, and it was really gross when she opened wide for the big glory note at the end.  YOU ARE ON TV PEOPLE, consider what you put in your mouths!

GRADE: ZZZzzz -- Randy loves it because he’s a cheap whore for anything Journey.  My favorite moment comes when Ryan tries to save Kristy’s honor and says everyone loves Kristy.  And he declares that all the Idol guys “love Kristy, too”  Uh, not these guys.

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Ramiele Malubray

Song: “Against All Odds” By Freakin’ Phil Collins at his sappiest.

NOTES: Ramiele is a nice little Idol contestant.  She’s cute and pleasant.  And she has a big voice and sings dull sawing logs type songs like this one, layered with extra schmaltz.  Ramiele sings it fine but her phrasing is strange and she keeps pausing in wrong places which is out of synch with the band.  I don’t know what the hell that’s about, but the girl needs a metronome.  All of these girls do, actually. 

GRADE: ZZZzzz --- It’s apparent by tonight’s slobbering uselessness that Paula is back on the sauce.  And Simon reiterates his horny love for Glory Notes and wants Ramiele to do more of those... preferably wearing ill-fitting sailor pants.

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Brooke White

Song: “Love is a Battlefield” by Pat Benatar

Notes: In typical Brooke fashion, she plants herself on the front of the stage, doesn’t move, and sings a milquetoast arrangement of a gutsy Benatar song.  It’s a timid arrangement with a solo guitar repeating the same annoying phrase over and over, and just when the song NEEDS to start going somewhere, it doesn’t. 

GRADE: ZZZzzz -- And Brooke is off-tempo in strange and unpleasant places.

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Syesha Mercado

Song: “Saving All My Love For You” as sung by Whitney Houston but originally sung by Marilyn McCoo in 1978.  Thanks wikipedia.  I don’t even pretend to know the recording history of Whitney.

Notes: Another Whitney song... whoo.   Hmm, where do we start with this over-the-top but equally under-achieving Idol-worthy performance?  Well, Syesha oversings it, of course.  She makes dramatic furious faces at times, so that's always a plus.  Oh, and how can I forget her velvet sailor shorts?  My wife pointed out how they’re all creased because Syesha was sitting down in satin shorts, a fashion don’t, apparently.

GRADE: BOGUS -- This was bad all the way around, and ended a tedious night on an appropriately sour note.  The judges offer brief “Good” “Not Bad”, “Good” judgments and that is the end of the hour of my napping.

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I really want to vote of 5-6 girls and just have madcap zaniness from the guys for the next 10 weeks.  Can we make that a reality, please?  Next week we're down to one performance night a week.  Yay.  But they still haven't taken my advice and canceled the excruciating results show.  Boo. 

 THE Idol fashion that began and ended tonight.

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