Final 12: How Many Holes Does It Take To Fill the Idol Hall?

Howdy Class,

Welcome to the Idol Finals. Yay.

I thought I would hate McCartney/Lennon night but I mostly enjoyed it. The gimmick of the Finals is so strong that the show works despite itself. All of the months of bad-singing and Hollywood nonsense and elevators and all that rubbish gets in the way of what is a grueling 12 week sing-off with genuine drama. Sometimes.

Each week 12, then 11 then 10, etc. amateur and semi-amateur singers run an impossible gauntlet of trying to re-invigorate 30-40 year old songs that we’ve already heard a million times before. Frequently these people are learning 2-3 new songs every week. The whole process is completely ridiculous, and mostly doomed to failure. And that’s where we come in...

I love the Finals. And I love Amanda. There, I’ve said it. I’m an Amandite. Or an Over-Schmirer. Or a member of the Leather Nurse Goddesses From Phobos. Or whatever fruity name her fans choose to call themselves. Whenever they start up the bandwagon, I’m getting on that horse cart.

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GRADING -- A,B, C, you know the drill. But I’m not grading these people against the originals. I mean, given your choice of McCartney/Lennon or Chickezie/Archuleta, I think there’s a giant no-brainer. Instead, I’m grading on how well they performed their little 2 1/2 minute version of their song. And how well they performed versus the other Idols. And then throw that grade out and the fans will vote for whoever has the cutest dimples. I understand that. That’s just the show we’re dealing with. But unlike what Randy said, that we’re “hating, and trying to make money off of Idol” we’re actually celebrating the cheesiness and having a little fun at the expense of the show. And last time I checked I wasn’t making $30 mil a year like Simon is. So who is REALLY making the money?

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The show begins proper with tired, squinty looking Ryan announcing a new opening credits and a new set. If you were expecting something ground-breaking and exciting, then clearly you haven’t been watching the last 6 seasons of Idol.

The Opening credits are just as lame and disco as they used to be, with little robotically animated people walking towards their destiny of being on stage with bright lights and singing horrible Phil Collins songs. If I had to guess I’d say the skinflint producers just took the opening credits from Pop Idol, or Chinese Idol and wrote “American” over the top of it. It looks that cheap.

And the stage is a ginormous, empty cavern where under-whelming singers will be abandoned to die a slow, horrible death, for our amusement.

Oh, and to change things up Ryan is high and Paula seems the most sober and coherent that she’s been since she was starring in Keanu Reeves music videos. She’s actually on point most of the time and completes at least four sentences that I heard.

Oh, and Ryan introduces “the mosh pit in front of the stage.” This just illustrates what is so absurd about Idol, another lame attempt at being cool and fashionable and only being 10 years out of date and showing that the Producers are completely oblivious to what made the idea of a mosh pit “cool” in the first place. Unless there’s 300 pound bald dudes named Dirge and Puke wearing dog-collars and red, plaid shirts, and they’re elbowing the little teenie-boppers and their mom chaperones in their heads it ain’t a mosh pit that I’d ever subscribe to.

Okay, having mentioned this stuff I never have to do it again.

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Syesha “The First Singer” Mercado

Song: Got to Get You Into My Life

Notes: Simon has a hard time remembering names tonight. At one point he makes an aside to Randy comparing Chikezie to “the first singer.” That first singer is Syesha and I don’t blame Simon for not remembering her. She starts out of tune and gives a standard mediocre Idol-quality performance with the Trademark Unneccessary Idol Glory Note at the end.

GRADE: C -- Paula said only half the song was good. I’d say even less than that, but a C is thoroughly unexceptional, just like Syesha.

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Chickezie

Song: She’s a Woman -- the bluegrass, southern soul version.

Notes: Chickezie, feeling the “bottom 2 for two straight weeks” heat goes for broke and nails it. He starts off with a bluegrass mellow part which builds into a dramatic soul influenced showcase for Chickezie’s heretofore unheard quality vocals. The only negative is a stupid green wristband-watch combo that reminds me of my high-fashion days of second grade.

GRADE: A -- If someone needed a homerun performance it was Chickezie. Of course, the only way he sticks around is if he pulls off something like this every week.

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Ramiele

Song: In My Life

Notes: Leave it to milquetoast Ramiele to go for the schmaltz, with a really tepid and ponderous version of the song. As she starts the over-the-shoulder came shows the crowd waving their arms in semi-unison. Man, Idol fans are so lame.

GRADE: C -- A timid rendition of The Extra-Boring Remix of She’s a Woman.

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Jason Castro

Song: If I Fell

Notes: Jason’s bio interview is done in front of what looks like a swarm of gnats that threaten to engulf his head. Gross. Can’t this show afford some bug spray?

Jason once again shows his pretty, clean vocals on a peaceful, easy-feeling acoustic version. He throws in some nice moments of falsetto to change things up and once again shows that he mostly understands the words of the song.

Grade: A -- Randy didn’t get it, because he’s a bobo.

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Carly Smithson

Song: Come Together - the over-dramatic Celine version.

Notes: Just to prove how dull she is Carly reads off her shopping list, which leads into the video of her dreary life, which leads into her competent but dreary version of this song. Carly shows her power-grunting vocals and does some more of her over-emoting, this time on nonsense lyrics. She sings this song like it’s the greatest of import when in fact it’s really just about juju eyeballs and having hair down below your knees. Celine would be proud.

Grade: B -- I’m being fair because I think Carly does enough to show she’s a better singer than most of the girls. Simon says it was the right song for her, because Carly’s emotional depth is limited to songs which feature “spinal clackers” and a “toe-jam football.”

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David “Emo” Cook

Song: Eleanor Rigby - the Incubus version

Notes: The AI dressers went overboard this week turning David Cook into the Stu Sutcliff of Incubus. He’s got a big collar jacket, dubious facial hair and they gave his comb-over pointy bangs. David destroys Eleanor Rigby by doing that Scott Stapp thing where how much he thinks he’s rocking is diametrically opposed to how much he’s actually rocking, which is to say, very little.

GRADE: D -- Simon thought it was brilliant. I just thought it was crap.

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Brooke White

Let It Be - the Tori Amos version

Notes: Brooke White once again proves she’s a really, really nice person, but merely an adequate singer. She does what must be the millionth rendition of this song with her piano accompaniment and gets choked up and weeps, but I wasn’t excited or moved by it. I'm a hard man to please, what can I say?

GRADE: B -- Brooke shows she’s the other good female singer, but she needs to do a Tori Amos song and just go for broke with theatricality and emotion because she’s meek and timid on everything she does.

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Dave “Fidel En Fuego” Hernandez

Song: I Saw Her Standing There

Notes: Speaking of meek and timid, David never has to worry about either of those things. Dave huffs and puffs and strains, and over-sings this Chuck Berry inspired ditty. David still doesn’t show any dancing skills, which is strange because in his bio video he explains his background of working in a pizza joint.

GRADE: D -- This was very similar to Danny Noriega’s Jailhouse Rock. David is even wearing a tie to do a typical Idol over-sing of a really old song that could use an overhaul.

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Amanda “Captain Awesome” Overmyer

Song: You Can’t Do That

Notes: Amanda turns the song into another growling, blues-rock bar band rendition with creative stuttering and scat singing. Amanda was surprisingly good, despite never hearing the song before this week. Seriously. She turns it up a notch and just belts it out. That’s why we love Amanda.

GRADE: A for AWESOME -- If we’re talking about the true worst singer it’s Kristy Cooke, but she’s boring and she sucks. So go Amanda! I voted a couple hundred times.

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Michael “Jockeroo Daver” Johns

Song: Across The Universe - The mumbling incomprehensible version.

Notes: Johns continues his unbroken streak of mediocrity. I mean, this guy hasn’t shown me anything yet. I guess he’s just pacing himself knowing he can get by on his roguish good looks and adorable Aussie accent for a few more weeks before he actually has to get up and sing. Johns, like Carly, sings in a rote professional style and imparts an absurd amount of gravitas in the wrong places. He belts on the lyrics “Jockeroo Daver” as he pronounces it. It’s actually

Jai guru deva om. I had to look it up. But it still doesn’t approximate anything Johns was mumble-singing. Something tells me this song came from the Trip the Yogi and smoking towering mountains of hasheesh period of the Beatles.

GRADE: C -- For medioCre.

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Kristy Cook

Song: 8 Days a Week

Notes: In her little pea-brain Kristy decided that every week must be country week for her because she countrifies the crap out of this song. I think the band just hates her, because the fiddler and the rest of the boys play at a blistering pace and about 50 decibels too loud so that Kristy is both drowned out and left in the dust of the musicians. Not that it would’ve mattered because doing a country version of 8 Days a Week was a stupid idea and Kristy can’t really carry a tune. Also, for someone who is from “Oregon” she really has a heavily affected Texas accent any time she sings “country.”

GRADE: FAIL -- If there’s any justice Kristy is going home.

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Dave “Pimp Slot” Archuleta

Song: We Can Work It Out -- the blind AND deaf Stevie Wonder version.

Notes: Remember how AI Appologists say that the pimp slot is rotated around from week to week? Except that this guy always seems to get it. Too bad he fumbles it, badly. Oh and remember how Dave did the “defining version” of “Imagine” two weeks ago? Yeah, well in his bio video he declares that he never listened to the Beatles, and only attempted this song because Stevie Wonder did a version of it. Bad move. How dare he attempt a Stevie Wonder song on American Idol? David screws it all up from the beginning, forgetting the words, singing flat and generally looked lost and uncomfortable. David may have the voice of an angel (albeit a gaspy one) and the face of a cherub, but one thing he is NOT is cool and/or hip. He should never do anything that involves him moving. His walk-dancing was almost Kevin Covais-like in its awkwardness.

GRADE: FAIL -- Simply awful, from the perceived front-runner it’s a serious mis-step. Also, he’s screwed up the words twice in four weeks, so it’s looking less like a cute mistake from the seasoned veteran and more like a serious problem with the precocious kid.

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Wow, we got to see the great Archulater fall on his face. That was pretty entertaining. Oh, don’t worry all you little Archulaters, he’ll still win the whole thing, but that was a pleasant surprise.

And did I mention Amanda is awesome?

--Chan