Top 12: "Pizza Bistro" is code word for Strip Club

The new stage is hideous. The band floats above the performers. The new logo is awful. Are you ready for the worst top 12 ever? This... is American Idol. See? I can do Seacrest's openings too. Wait, that sounded dirty.

First up singing a Beatles song on the Idol stage is Syesha Mercado. Honestly, it was so boring and pointless, it doesn't even deserve a recap. Who is voting for this forgettable girl? Next.

Next up is Chikezie. He likes to feel people up when he works at the airport. He does a kick ass version of "She's a Woman" too. First it starts out with a bluegrass twist. Then it turns into this funk/rock thing that's slightly more annoying. But Chikezie starts spasming around and stuttering and it's awesomely VFTW. Then he ends with some falshitto. Good-annoying-VFTW-falshitto... the circle of life. Simon says that he looked completely drunk but that he liked how he took control of the stage. Chikzie is my non-VFTW favorite at this point as he seems to have a great sense of humor, can sing decently, and has a hidden freaky weird side. Hopefully he keeps up the strange stuff, it would do him well.

Ramiele likes to pour soy sauce into cups. She sings "In My Life", and it's boring but competent and well sung. The judges hate it. There isn't much more to say except that I liked it more than the judges did. They just want her to belt diva songs and she took one to sing quietly. This was also her first performance with real emotion to it. So all in all, it was ok.

Jason Castro failed music in college. No shit, the stoners tend to fail classes sometimes. Let me guess why he missed his final... He does "If I Fell" and it's the same lame thing he does every week. It was good the first time, but how many times can you watch him strum his guitar while stoned, singing ballads? I think the pot forces him to sing songs slower than 100 BPM. Now if Simon wants to call someone useless, say it to Jason. Paula says she feels his heart. Can two people who are completely messed up have that connection? It's likely. Jason then does a laugh when the strobe lights start moving quickly. I think we need someone to smoke a joint during Jason's performance to get the full effect and figure out what's going on. Also, why are all of the minorities going first? Is it racial profiling? 5 out of the 6 minority contestants sang first. Did KKKristy do this lineup?

Carly Smithson's performance of "Come Together" was also forgettable enough to skip mentioning. The only even remote things to mention are the fact that she says she misses Ireland a lot (then go back, no one will miss you) and that Simon told her she picked the right song and that she reminds him of Kelly Clarkson. Carly then made another face that's perfect for photochopping onto animals and other various objects. At least the liar is good for something!

David Cook decided to Daughtry up "Eleanor Rigby." Now, I'm not a huge Beatles fan. I can take them or leave them. But I do really enjoy this song. And David killed it. The slow, Nickelcrap arrangement didn't work with the song. And oddly enough, the screaming part was better than the rest of the song. Not that it was good, but at least it wasn't completely dreary like the rest. Instead it was painful. But pain is better than boredom, at least that's what that nice dominatrix Naomi-Joy Blackhall once told me. I called this guy as the winner before the top 24 even sang a note, and God I hope I'm wrong. I can't sit through 10 more weeks of this. Paula calls him the dark horse and Simon thought it was brilliant, stating, "if this show remains a talent competition rather than a popularity competition, you could win the whole show." It's neither, it's a voting competition, just like Peter Noone said. And I choose not to vote for this douche.

The person who I said would be the runner up before the top 24 sang a note is next, Brooke White. And that's looking more likely now too with her rendition of "Let It Be." This is not because it was good, because it wasn't. She squeaks too much and she looks angry and deranged when she performs. She also has a heck of a lot of bum notes. You can tell she feels the song, but she's not good enough to really sing it, so every 10th or 11th note is off key. It's not noticeable after hearing someone like David just scream, but it's not great. Brooke starts to cry the second it's over, hoping for some Jasmalien type providence to carry her into the top 2. Simon says she has had one of the best performances for the last 3 weeks. I disagree. Her last 2 performances have exposed the flaws in her voice too much. "You're So Vain" was good though.

David Hernandez finally makes the night interesting by claiming that he used to work at a pizza bistro. OK, kids, "pizza bistro" is the new code word for strip club. Apparently, David attends the Carly Smithson school of lying, where if you say something, it automatically becomes true no matter how silly it sounds. So when David was working at the "pizza bistro", men would stuff ones and fives into his "pizza pocket" for "an extra slice." David would happily oblige, because after all, any good "pizza bistro" knows that the happy and "hungry" clientele always come back. This mysterious "pizza bistro" was not shown in David's interview package though. Why is this? We saw Ramiele pouring soy sauce. We saw Brooke being a nanny. We saw Carly pouring beer. In fact, the other 11 contestants all had cute video of them going to school, working, and doing other things. Maybe "pizza bistros" do not allow cameras inside their facilities. You know... so the "secret recipe" doesn't get out. David is also proud to be from the same city as Jorbacca Sparks, and when he sings "She was just seventeen" as the first line in "I Saw Her Standing There," I had horrible flashbacks to last season. David performs terribly awful in a campy way, but it's not fun campy like Danny Noriega. It's lame campy like a closeted gay stripper. Even Paula couldn't compliment his performance, saying he overdid it. Simon calls it "corny verging on desperate." Maybe the "pizza bistro" man used "too much cheese."

VFTW queen Amanda Overmyer is up next. She likes sitting in corners and mumbling to herself. This is why I love her, she's just strange and awkward and goes against the show's poppy facade. She sings "You Can't Do That," which I'd never even heard of. It's done "Amanda style." This means she's being spazzy and shaking a lot while mumbling all of the words together and then screaming some of them. People have said that Amanda gives a "great rock performance," but I see it as very funny that she does the same thing each week. Maybe it's just me. I bet it's because she just doesn't care to impress the judges. But she can turn any song into a spastic, mumbled victory, which is why no one can beat her for the VFTW crown at this point. Mumbled disco? Mumbled country? Mumbled Mariah Carey? Sounds good to me! Paula loves her, because finally someone who stumbles around and slurs their speech is being praised in the media. Simon still, even though it wasn't good, seems to choose his words carefully, saying "it wasn't as good as last week, I understood 30% of what you sang, you were slurring, and it all got a little bit shouty... but I like you." What the fuck? He tears Jason down for doing the same thing every week, but then takes baby steps with Amanda. The producers must really want her on the tour. After that point, the judges will probably be given free reign to tear her down. Most of America is already tired of her, so at least we have that.

Michael Johns is another boring one this week that deserves very little mention. He looks like he's taking a crap when he sings and he sounds like he's taking a crap when he sings. The performance is off key and unmemorable. Afterwards, Simon leans over to Randy and says, "You should have done... what's the Irish girl's name? Randy? You were the one who worked at MCA Records with her and planted her in the competition this year. So what's her name? Ringer? Plant? Cunty? I can't remember."

The last 2 performances of the night ended up being the funniest. KKKristy Lee Cook continues to pretend she lives in Oregon with horses. Who cares, she takes "Eight Days a Week" and makes it into a country version that totally doesn't work. It sounds nothing like the original, and she can barely keep up. The flying stars in the background add to the hilarity as well. She also ends the song with this ridiculously off-key string of notes that complete the VFTW package. Randy likes the arrangement but thought she was forcing runs into it. Paula, for the second time of the night, did not like it. She also tells Kristy that she shouldn't have listened to the judges advice and done a country song. What? I mean, yes, you should never listen to the judges, but it's interesting to hear Paula finally say that. Simon calls it "horrendous, Dolly Parton on helium, brave, and foolish." If it wasn't for Amanda, Kristy would have easily gotten our votes. But Kristy is too marketable, too inconsistent, and a plant. She is definitely a great backup though if Amanda was to ever leave us prematurely. But wait... Kristy was not the worst of the night. The next performance makes hers look like modern art. Presenting...

David Archuleta. When I first saw him, I called him as being a future VFTW pick. I even gave him a high score in the "which Idol will be our VFTW pick" grading system, and people were surprised. This is why. David first claims he doesn't know The Beatles. So I think my initial reaction that he is a little bit slow seems to be dead on. Who doesn't know The Beatles? Espcially after David just sang "Imagine" 2 weeks ago. He's obviously heard of John Lennon. See... he's slow. Luckily, David knows Stevie Wonder's version of "We Can Work It Out," so he's going to sing that. Within the first 30 seconds, David has forgotten his words TWICE and he starts nervously smiling and singing off key. He stumbles around the stage like a confused puppy, totally lost and embarrassed. This may be one of the most awkwardly bad performances in the history of Idol. When other people perform poorly, it's usually entertaining, but David makes it so awkward, you just want to look away because you're so embarrassed for him. David then proceeds to sing different words than the background singers and add runs to try to save the performance, but the damage is done. After the worst performance of the night, the judges are remarkably nice to him, with Simon saying "I have to be fair... I didn't like it." That's it? No karaoke? No cruise ship? No ghastly birthday party? Anyway, David shows hints of tanking terribly in the future, so we'll have to keep an eye on him, as he's far too popular and pimped now to be the VFTW pick. But if he keeps this up, it could produce hilarious results in the future. Fortunately, we need to have a VFTW pick based on the last 4 weeks, not just this week, so David is out and Amanda is in.

So who goes home? I'm thinking it's a bottom 3 of Syesha (boring), David H. (stripperesque), and KKKristy (laughable). And I think we'll be saying goodbye to our stripper this week. Maybe he'll go back to work at the "pizza bistro" and give everyone those yummy "dough balls" that they all come in for.