Top 11 Recap- Miley Cyrus Saves The Season With The Best Episode Yet

Bless you, Miley Cyrus. I don’t care that you’re a trashy baby hooker that mentored contestants 10 years older than you for #1 hits week even though you’ve never had a #1 hit. And I don’t care that you somehow thought it was appropriate to introduce yourself to each contestant that you mentored as if they don’t know you. For you, Miley Cyrus, have taken an incredibly dull season of American Idol and made it hilariously entertaining. I don’t know what you did, but whatever you told the contestants suddenly made them all hilariously terrible. Tonight, there were so many classic VFTW performances, I couldn’t contain myself. It was one of the best episodes of Idol all season, if not in the last few years. It was like a gigantic VFTW orgasm. And Idol finally realized the legacy they’ve created in music when they started criticizing contestants for picking the same songs other contestants have been singing for years. It’s like the judges finally noticed they’re judging an awful karaoke competition and they’re shocked at this realization. Altogether, I can’t say enough good things about this episode.

Miley Cyrus tells Lee DeWyze that he’s lacking in stage presence and that he needs to give a few notes that people wouldn’t expect from him. You mean notes in tune?  Lee sings “The Letter” and it still has the same pitch problems as always, but he’s far from the worst. The problem is that Lee looks like he is trying out to become a Taylor Hicks impersonator at a nightclub for seniors. The song makes him sound incredibly dated and his moves are laughable at best. But Taylor would be proud. Randy thinks Lee blew it out the box. Ellen makes a stupid joke about a pen. Kara says she’s never heard Lee sound better. Simon calls the performance corny and says that Lee didn’t define himself as a contemporary recording artist. Oddly enough, I agree with Simon. That didn’t really make me love or hate him, I just don’t care.

And now, two of the greatest VFTW performances of the season.

Paige Miles was star struck by Miley. Miley told Paige that she was being pitchy when she wasn’t super soft or loud. And Miley knows, she’s got plenty of experience with off key vocals. Paige then delivered the VFTW anthem – “Against All Odds”. And Paige made an impassioned plea to become our pick again. You go, girl. This is way worse than her version of “Smile.” Randy calls it “honesty terrible.” Ellen won’t even critique her singing because it was so terrible. Kara says that Paige stopped competing and delivered the worst vocal she’s ever heard from Paige and possibly the worst vocal of the season. Simon says that Paige really struggled and is in real trouble tonight. Paige, I love you for your dedication to the VFTW cause, but we can only vote for one person. If Tim goes home somehow though, you’ve got our support hands down.

Then there’s Tim Urban. Miley Cyrus loves him because he’s not boring. Boy is she right. Just like Sanjaya broke out of his shell during top 11 night, Tim Urban broke out and finally embraced his VFTW personality with “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” He jumped around the stage, did a hilarious slide, cheesed it up with the kids in the crowd, and overall looked incredibly awkward and loveable. This is what defines a great VFTW performance, kiddies. There’s that je ne sais quoi cheeseball entertainment factor that you can’t describe until you see it. Well here it is. It’s what pushes his performance into even funnier territory than Paige’s. Tim finally brought the goods and I love him for it. Randy said that Tim’s performance was like bad karaoke or something. Imagine that. Ellen said it felt like a bad audition for High School Musical. She also said there’s a huge group of people who will love the performance (she was referring to Worsters of course). Kara lambasted Tim for grabbing at the audience and said he looked foolish by pretending like he’s already made it. As if Kara doesn’t do the same thing every week. Don’t listen to the over the hill whore, Tim. You did great. Simon called the performance completely and utterly pointless and silly. He also said, and I quote, “you’ve got 0 chance of winning right now.” Tim, you rule!

After those 2 treasures, anything Aaron Kelly does will bore me. He pretends to have a crush on Miley Cyrus so he can delay the inevitable coming out for a year or two. His version of “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” is off key and tiresome. Nothing to write home about. Randy said that Aaron got the competition started for him, because he had doubts after the last 2 performances. Ellen says that Aaron is always pitch perfect. Ellen is a fucking idiot. Kara calls it the best song choice of the night. And Simon says there’s zero chance of Aaron going home.

Crystal Bowersox looks annoyed as shit to have to talk to Miley Cyrus, but then Crystal asks Miley to sign her guitar. Really? Crystal then goes into even crazier territory by saying she only lets “powerful, beautiful women” sign her guitar. Yet she let Miley sign it. Miley is like some all powerful VFTW Machine. Awesome. Miley truly is incredibly powerful, because she gets Crystal to perform way worse than normal. I guess Crystal was right. She looks awkward and is making hilariously stupid faces. Also, her pitch isn’t nearly as good as normal. It looks like she’s having a seizure. Suddenly, Smellysox becomes 100 times more VFTW. The magic of Miley, I’m telling you. Randy says Crystal is a star like Janis Joplin. She ain’t no Chile, chile. Ellen says there’s still some personality missing. Kara wants Crystal to put the guitar down next week, but Simon tells her not to. Simon says, “Up until now, we have listened to a karaoke competition.” I love how the judges are finally noticing how bad this show is. Suddenly, singing Stevie Wonder is no longer the bee’s knees to them. For 8 seasons, people picked stupid ass song choices and they got their asses licked. Not this season. It’s absolutely hilarious.

Michael Lynche gives Miley a big bear hug and says that Miley has kind eyes. She also has the power to make horrible people into horrible AND entertaining train wrecks, Will she work her magic on Michael? Not fully. Michael is cheesy, lame, hits big notes, and works the falshitto during his performance of “When A Man Loves a Woman.” In past seasons, the judges would lapping this up. But this season, it’s as if they know what the bulk of the audience is actually thinking. Randy and Ellen didn’t love the song choice. Kara called it loungey. Simon says it was like wanting one scoop of ice cream and getting 11, because this audition could’ve taken place 30 years ago.

Andrew Garcia forgot his lyrics because of the power of Miley Cyrus. She convinced him to put down his guitar, and it led to a hilarious performance of “I Heard it Through the Grapevine.” Definitely a second runner up for the VFTW nod behind Tim and Paige. And the best part is, 2 of them have to stay for another week. At least 2. All 3 could somehow. Andrew is ridiculously cheesy, doing stupid hand movements that make him look like a total douche. He also looks like a stuffed sausage in his jacket. During his terrible VFTW worthy performance, we see Miley in the audience not paying attention, then clapping with a look on her face wondering if it’s over. This girl is an evil genius. Randy called Andrew a dog once and a dude man twice. Ellen hated the song choice. Kara says that Andrew’s hand motions looked like someone was moving a puppet. Simon then said what needed to be said- “Straight Up” was overrated and Andrew blows chunks. Simon then told him he sucked… the soul out of the song. He then reiterated that Andrew sucked… it out and tortured it. Andrew, you are winning me over big time. If you somehow outlast Paige and Tim, I’m all about voting for you. I never would’ve believed it, but you are awesomely bad enough that I like you. Keep it up.

Katie Stevens is told by Miley to edge it up and show confidence. Well Katie does this on “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by singing incredibly off key and doing ludicrous head wags. The song is terrible for her voice, she sounds like a dying goat bleating out its last wishes. And hitting a high note near the end was the most hilarious mistake of all. Yet somehow after that train wreck of a performance, the judges like it. They want her on the tour, huh? Randy likes that Katie is trying to be younger. Ellen calls Katie the Daktoa Fanning of Idol. Kara says that Katie had mad pitch issues but that she picked the right genre of song finally. Simon said that meeting Miley Cyrus was great for Katie because it made her younger.

Casey James tells Miley that he’s a big fan of her dad’s. Zing. Miley tells Casey to make sure he makes eye contact with everyone in the front row. Casey shoots Miley a look like, “Duh, bitch, what is your problem?” Don’t you shoot looks at VFTW Queen Miley like that. Bitch knows her shit to make you suck and she can put a voodoo curse on you. Casey actually has a good vocal overall, but the performance is so cheesy. Another really, really stupid song choice. Randy says Casey is one of the best musicians that has ever been on the show. Ellen says the vocal was great but she hated the song choice. Kara says that Casey is ready to make a sperm deposit on her face… I mean album. Simon says that the song was old fashioned, had no effort, no originality, and sounded like an 80’s cover band. So true. Simon’s really ripping into these people for picking the same songs that would’ve gotten them praise in past seasons. Payback’s a bitch for making us listen to fucking Clay Aiken sing the Fievel Goes West song, you British bastard.

Didi Benami is glad to know even Miley Cyrus gets nervous before going out on stage. Well yeah, because Miley wants to make sure the autotune plugin is working. I’d be nervous too. Miley tricks Didi into sucking more by asking her to give more sass. Didi obliges and picks “You’re No Good”, which is an obvious joke about Didi’s voice. Oddly enough, I’m going to disagree with the judges and say Didi did a decent job on it. Her stupid faces were hilarious because this is the second week in a row she’s pretending to be angry while singing. But she really doesn’t sound all that bad compared to some of the others. Randy says the song was pitchy and that Didi never got the pitch right. Yet he praised Katie Stevens. Oh, dawg. Ellen didn’t like the song choice. Kara says it felt like Didi was playing a character in a play. Simon says it was ironic that Didi screeched out, “You’re no good” over and over.  He then says she fell into the trap of the girl who went home last week and couldn’t remember Lacey’s name. Ouch. Didi says she picked the song because she doesn’t want to be pigeonholed. Too late for that Didi. The stink of American Idol season 9 is all over you now and you’ll never get it off.

To round out the night, Miley Cyrus is excited to meet Siobhan because she loves her voice. And Siobhan admits she’s rocked out to a bit of Miley Cyrus. Now that’s the weirdest fucking thing Siobhan has ever said! Siobhan rocks a modified Sanjaya Mohawk for her performance of “Superstition.” It’s super corny, she barely sounds like she’s trying, and she seems to be phoning this one in. Until she hits the screams. The first one sounds like she has something stuck in her throat. The next screams are hilariously off key and ill fitting. I am so glad she continues to do that. It makes her so VFTW worthy because it’s so terrible. People seem to like it though, and I’m not going to complain, because Siobhan is terrible and she’s keeping me entertained. Randy thought it was great. Ellen makes a stupid joke about Oliver Twist. Kara says the end note was amazing as always. Simon says some people will like Siobhan but some will hate her. He wants her to start her performance with screaming rather than end it so that there’s some variety. I want her to do an entire performance of screaming. Comic gold!

So who’s in the bottom 3? Well Tim, Paige, and Andrew had the clear worst performances, so they’re incredibly likely. Katie could sneak in there too if the pimping didn’t work. And hopefully Andrew goes home out of that batch, just because I have to be loyal to the current VFTW pick Tim and past VFTW pick Paige. I want them both to stay, so I hope Andrew is the sacrifice tomorrow night.

And again, bless you Miley Cyrus. You have an honorary spot in the VFTW hall of fame for making this season watchable, you adorable teenage hooker witch.