Top 11: This Show is now Just a Terrible iTunes Commercial

Ballads are boring, Kristy is whoring, the audience is snoring. I cannot believe anyone is still watching this show based on talent. I've seen more talent at a middle school talent show where the kids make armpit noises and sing Soulja Boy songs. Even worse than the nonexistent talent on this show is the fact that apparently Idol has turned into a giant Apple commercial. It's gotten so shameless that iTunes and the iPhone were pimped out at least 5 times in the episode. We might as well have had Steve Jobs pounding Seacrest in the rear for the entire episode, it would have had the same effect but could have been slightly more watchable in a "can't look away" disgusting kind of way. Either way, Apple has raped Idol of its tiny bit of decency, and the contestants raped the remainder of the Beatles catalog. All together now, this is the worst top 11 ever. 

Ryan Seacrest kept stating over and over this episode, "In case you're joining us for the first time..." Dude, no one is watching this for the first time to watch Beatles Crap part 2. Anyone with any musical taste is listening to good music. The only people watching right now are idiots... and Worsters who like to make fun of idiots. We also get to hear the contestants' most memorable moments in the competition so far. About 90% of them pick "last week." It's so boring that it's not even worth discussing.

Amanda Overmyer kills "Back in the USSR." She starts off key and lost without rhythm, but picks it up. Then she does the sane thing she does every week: rocks it VFTW style. Slurred, incomprehensible speech? Check. Awkward movements? Check. Screaming? Check. Do I love it? Check. Only problem is she didn't say "chile." Why, Amanda? How could you forget your own catchphrase? Paula challenges Amanda to do a ballad, to which Amanda replies, "Ballads are boring." You tell 'em, sister. Simon calls it predictable and a bit of a mess in parts. She basically tells him she doesn't care and she's going to keep doing what she's doing. Here is our VFTW queen coming out. Let's hope she doesn't leave after that!

Kristy Lee Cook decides to go all boring on us this week to make up for her unintentional VFTW Victory last week, so she does a tepid rendition of "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away." She has a terrible lower register but sounds decent otherwise. It's pretty obvious she just doesn't have great vocal chops, but of course, those weren't what got her a spot in the BEST.TOP.24.EVER. But she's trying too hard not to suck as bad as last week. This disqualifies her from VFTW support... unless the unspeakable happens and Amanda goes home. Randy calls it safe. Simon calls it musical wallpaper. Kristy then tells Simon, "I can blow you out of your socks and you know it." This is too easy. I know Kristy can blow you in your socks, out of your socks, in a car, by a burning cross, whatever. That's what got her into the top 24. Our only hope is that she has a cold sore or something this week, because she needs to go in order to save Amanda.

David Pimpchuleta is 3rd, and his most memorable moment on the show was forgetting his words last week. So either the kid is slow and has no memory past 1 week ago so he chose the only thing he could remember, or he thought the producers asked for his "memory moment" which he equated to forgetting words. This kid needs tutoring, not American Idol. He sang "The Long and Winding Road" decently, but I could barely hear him over the screaming fantards in the audience. Every time he gasps or licks his lip with his lizard tongue, they cheer uncontrollably. Paula calls it the most exciting performance since she artfully dodged the men in the white coats. Simon thought it was amazing, which incites more screaming. Can I throw a live grenade into the front row when David sings? I think I'll be doing so many people a favor.

Michael Johns decides that he'll sing another song off key this week, so he butchers "A Day in the Life." There's one really off key note in the beginning that he can barely even get out, and it all goes downhill from there. He thinks he's being sexy, but he's just choking notes out of his weak lower register, which makes him sound awful. His higher register also seems to be off this week, meaning he just flat out sucks. Who knew there was so much VFTW suckitude in a plant besides Kristy? Randy says Michael hasn't had the vehicle to showcase his voice yet. Paula makes an excuse about his ear monitor not working properly... until about a minute later when we find out Michael's not wearing one. Paula then drunkenly rambles for about 10 minutes on how she was wrong, yet she's not embarrassed, and ramble ramble ramble, she wants to sleep with him like Corey Clark, ramble ramble ramble. Michael earned himself a trip to the bottom 3 with that one, hopefully it gets him eliminated so we can save Amanda.

Brooke White, looking even more skeleton-like than normal, decides to fulfill a stereotype to sing "Here Comes the Sun (Acoustic Boring as Shit Coffee House Version)." Her vocals are exposed this week, as she doesn't have a guitar or piano to hide behind. Normally she's not very good but can hide it well. This week, it's obvious she's just not very good. She just kind of pulls a Paula and wanders around the stage making crazy faces and sings off key. It's obvious she practiced this in the mirror and thought she would be praised for it, but the whole thing is desperately corny. It's stuff like this that is starting to make me feel embarrassed for watching this, even to make fun of it. If I have to sit through a 2 hour long iTunes commercial, at least give me some entertainment. If I bothered to bring up Brooke White's performance to anyone tomorrow morning, I would not blame them if they ostracized me for at least week, embarrassed to know me. The worst part is Brooke's attempt at back talk and excuses. As the judges give critiques, they can barely get a word out without Brooke saying, "It's ok... I know I wasn't that good. But blah blah blah. Blah blah blah." Shut. Up. It's funny when the contestants talk back to the judges, but it's not funny at all when they just agree with the judges but have to interject this thought after each word the judges speak. Brooke's performance was awkward and terrible, so who knew she had a lot of VFTW in her as well? Around this time, I start wondering if anyone in America still thinks this is the "best top 12 ever?" And if they do, is it because of that unfortunate frontal lobotomy?

David Cook sings "Day Tripper" (which he should have turned into "Gay Stripper" as a tribute to David... I heard that version last week and it was way funnier). It's exactly like his other performances (seeing a trend here?), but at least it gets Paula up on her feet, dancing and falling over. The problem with David is that he equates screaming with emotion, but it's fairly obvious he's putting very little emotion into the song and just overdoing the whole thing to sound "rock." The voice box is at least kind of cool because no one has attempted it before, so I'll give him props for that. Paula says David should be selling lots of records. Simon says it wasn't as good as David thought it was. That's about right. While David sounds like a professional compared to half of the jokers on the stage (who coincidentally ARE professionals), he's still that creepy guy who comes back to play at high school 'battle of the bands' even though he's obviously too old and creeps out the kids when he tells them he's going to teach them how to "rock." He'll do well after this show, but mostly because record companies will start to realize how untalented this bunch is and they'll sign the mediocre David to try to at least sell a few records. But it's obvious he likes himself much more than anyone else ever will, so he may sabotage himself in due time.

Carly Smithson shows us her hideous demon face from last week again when Simon says she reminds him of Kelly Clarkson. She reminds me of a hideous demon. And as she sings "Blackbird," she makes about 200 different photochoppable demon faces. She also looks like a giant, red, frosted cupcake. Like most things Carly does, the vocals are decent but nothing spectacular. Randy calls it controlled and "cooliosis." Sure... Simon doesn't think it was a smart performance and he calls it indulgent. Wait, the girl with a sleeve of ugly tattoos and ridiculously over greased hair is indulgent? How did you guess? Carly then complains that the music industry has beaten her down so much and now she's like a blackbird, so that's why she chose the song. Do you know why the music industry beat you down? Because no one wants to hear you sing. Take your last 200 failures as a sign. Simon says now he'll think of them all as broken birds. Broken plants would be more appropriate. Carly also got a tattoo of the number 7 on her knuckle and shows it off. Seriously, if Brooke wasn't embarrassing enough, now I have to watch a pathetic Irish girl show off her lame new tattoo. This show has always been cheesy, but it's just going overboard now. Carly says she got the tattoo because American Idol season 7 and her marriage are the 2 most important things to her right now. What about her kid? Carly Smithson is a terrible mother.

Jason Castro's favorite moment was singing a bad note during "Hallelujah." OK... Is he trying to be VFTW or something? He continues this trend by singing "Michelle" and saying, "I just found out my belle was French. I thought it was English. My bell. Heh heh heh." Dude, lay off the weed before the interviews. Or smoke a heck of a lot more and say something funnier. Without his guitar, he performs awkwardly and is pretty boring. It's like the fraternity talent show and all of his pot-smoking buddies are in the front row cheering him on and telling him to play "Free Bird." Paula calls it uncomfortable, but Simon says Jason is charming. The girls in the front row all scream that they love Jason, not realizing that if they head to the local community college down the street, they can sleep with a guy who looks exactly like him. Just follow the smell, girls.

I am boycotting writing about Syesha Mercado for the rest of the season until she does something interesting. The only things anyone can possibly like about her are her giant boobs. So just look at the pictures, because the televised version of Syesha is unbearably dull.

Chikezie sings "I've Just Seen a Face." Hopefully it's not his own, as his tiny teeth and giant gums are kind of scary. Though I like Chikezie. He seems to be one of the only genuine people on the show this year, and he's got absolutely no shot of winning, yet he comes out every week trying to wow the audience. He starts off slow but then picks up into a bluegrass version of the song. I'm disappointed because he did the same thing 2 weeks in a row, just in a reverse order. Why does Chikezie think he can just do the same thing 2 weeks in a row... oh wait... that's what everyone's doing. Nevermind. But it's a smart move, as all of the bad singers on the show go on to release country albums because country music fans will buy anything. See: Josh Gracin, Kellie Pickler, Carmen Rasmusen. Randy likes the fast part and Paula thinks Chikezie is showing "who he is." Simon hated the "Achy Breaky Heart" part and calls it gimmicky. Oh Chikizzle. Next week, embrace some more VFTW.

Last, and in many cases least, Ramiele Malubay gets her shot. She sings "I Should've Known Better." If she were in any place but last, she would obviously go home because she's ridiculously boring and she looks idiotic in her hat. Ramiele, seriously, I need to get Danny to give you VFTW lessons. You obviously love grabbing your friends' boobs in pictures, why do you insist on being so boring on stage? The vocals are mediocre but incredibly boring. It's corny, it's useless, and it sums up the night pretty well to show that this is the worst top 11 ever. The "pimp spot" (performing last) used to be where the producers would stick the best singer of the night to end the show with a big number. Now, it's the "let's put someone awful here so they don't go home" spot. Last week it was David A. who was terrible, this week it was Ramiele. This show has gone so downhill. Paula says that ballads show off her range better and she wants Ramiele back in that zone. Simon says she picked a song that didn't show her abilites. I just want her to go home, as she's become completely irrelevant, but since she got the pimp spot, she'll probably squeak by with the 4th lowest votes.

So who goes home? My guess at the bottom 3 is Amanda, Kristy, and Michael. I hope Kristy goes home, but I have a feeling it could be our VFTW chile too since she was stuck in the doomed first spot. Let's hope Amanda gets on the tour. But it's obvious they want a girl to go home this week so they can have a 5/5 split on the tour between genders. Syesha sang better this week, Ramiele went last, Brooke played up the pity vote, and Carly is too much of a plant. So it's between the VFTW wild chile and the VFTW backup. Who will it be? Pray for Kristy's elimination. Then she can go back to "blowing guys" out of their socks. She and David can start a stripper tour and probably outsell the top 10 anyway.