Final 2 Sing: Just One More Show To Go

Funny how everybody and their mother has been predicting these two in the finals since the very first week of voting.  Way to make this season unpredictable, Idol Producers.  I really should've just written "Crystal wins" for my first review and taken the rest of the season off.  Just like Simon, only he's getting paid $50 mill to barely put forth an effort.  

The Idols get wrestling entrances as Dewyze comes through the crowd low-fiving fans.  Then the crack Idol production team screws up Crystal's entrance, making her look like a total goof as she's just standing there waiting to enter, and the director has to place her on her mark.  This stuff never happens to Celine Dion, let me tell you.

Lee's bio video explains that he wanted to be a pro baseball player, but he throws like a girl.

Lee sings "The Boxer" again.  He does his usual listless singing then butt-clenches to hit the high notes.  He also has a spit string connecting his top and bottom teeth.  Man, this is Muzak.  Simon and Garfunkel were a folk-singing duo and they rock harder than this crap.  What a lousy start from our VFTW dog in the fight. (Secret confession: I want Crystal to win.)

In Crystal's bio video she admits to playing at malls and tells us "I played the same ten songs over and over.".  So what else is new?  And it's "Me and Bobby McGee" for tonight's song.  I got $100 bucks that says this is one of those ten songs.  Crystal was on cruise control for the last six weeks but she lets it all go here.  Crystal rocks harder than Lee at his non-pussiest.  

Round 1 to Crystal in a no-contest.

Randy sends us into the off-season with amazing observations like: "This is going to come down to a duel to the finish."  And "You started that song off a little slow."  No shit, Sherlock.  That's how the damn song goes.  I really hope this is Randy's last season and the Producers can his chunky ass.  He started off the show as self-parody and has been swirling the drain for 8 more seasons, just like the turd that just won't go down.  Oh and Journey sucks balls, dude.  
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Lee wussies it up harder on REMs "Everybody Hurts."  Dude, are you going to nut it up just ONCE this season?  This is horrible.  And the song just ends in the middle of a line.  No build up, no emotion.  No release.  It sucks so bad that Kara liked it.  Randy even dusts off the petrified turd "pitchy" because he fell asleep during the 90 seconds of Lee groaning and that's his fall-back "judging" comment.  Dawg, I hope the Producers freeze your paychecks because you've been stealing money with your colossal lack of talent.  Thanks for adding absolutely NOTHING all season and wasting everybody's time.

Crystal goes with "Black Velvet"  another song from her 10 song playbook.  She's wearing her ill-fitting black dress and waddles down the stairs uncomfortably in her heels.  But she's in her comfort zone singing her power ballads and she sings the crap out of them.  She even hits a glory note that Lee can only fantasize about.  And she looks like she's having fun, too.

Round 2 goes to Crystal in another no-contest.

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Godawful Idol Coronation Song: Lee sings "Beautiful Day" U2 -- Wait, huh?  The  Idol producers actually allowed them to sing a good coronation song?  Wow, they are really gripping about their ratings tanking.  Lee grunts and groans, looking bored for the beginning of the song.   He decides to compete, however, as he launches into the dramatic bridge.  Gotta love his Chicagoan pronunciation on "It was a bee-ooht-ee-ful da-aay!"  

Kara sums up Lee's season with "You have the murst commercial voice."  Way to participate, Kara.  I honestly hope this is your last season too.  

Godawful Idol Coronation song: Crystal is punished and has to sing some tuneless non-song called "Up To The Mountain."  It's kind of like an acoustic blues/gospel thing but it's worse than that sounds.  She gets to shrieking and hits a glory note at the end but I wasn't impressed.  All I can say is you can fart out random notes and still make a better song than "This is My Now."  

Needless to say this song is about mountains and valleys, with lots of wailing.  Despite the broken song Crystal gives it her all and blows Lee off the stage for the third time.  Crystal deserves to win, even if she checked out mentally week two.  Can't say that I blame her.

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And some dude named Will Young comes out to rehash the entire dismal season with video reminders of the awfulness.  Apparently he's been singing the Idol Going Home song all year, but I never noticed it due to it being eminently forgettable elevator music.  He sounded good, though.

Apparently this is the last night of Simon's judging.  Why stop gold bricking now? I predict he'll be back after his nacho cheesy "X Factor" show goes down faster than Kara at a Jonas Brothers concert.  

So Lee doesn't even bother to show up against the better, polished, professional singer... Do I smell a VFTW victory?

Hallelujah, tomorrow is the very last limp night of this dreck season.  Sure it'll be thirteen hours of ear torture, but I'll be drinking.  So tune in tomorrow for our VFTW season finale recap.  

Until then, stay strong.
---Chan