Season 9 Finale: A Thudding Bore. And I spill my beer.

Here we are once again...  We've barely survived another terrible season of Idol.  They seem to be defying logic and reason as they keep getting worse, don't they?  I mean, there has to be a ground floor of Worst, doesn't there?  You know, the very bottom of the barrel nadir of all cheeseball, amateur singing contests that Idol just can't get worse than?  Well, if it's one maxim that is proven time and again by VFTW and Idol, there is always a Worst.  

Anyhow, I've been prepping for this fifteen hour Karaoke-thon by powering down some brews from my Beers From Around The World 10 pack.  I'm saving the Moosehead for later, because I love Moosehead.  I'll start with Chang, from the fine country of Thailand.  I hope they resolve their civil war soon, and get down to the serious business of being the tranny prostitute capitol of the world.    
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Step one to improving American Idol would be getting rid of this cheesy '80s casio theme song. I guess it's symbolic of the karaoke machine musical quality of the show.  Then again, after suffering through all of the cheesy '80s synth acts that showed up tonight I have to believe one of the Idol producers gets a chubby for casio keyboards and tinny, programmed drum tunes.

Seacrest interviews the Idol Finalists Lee and Crystal, who show off their soggy oatmeal personalities.  "It's amazing."  "This is amazing."  That was a waste of time.  This will be a recurring theme throughout tonights show, which doubles as a Simon Cowel stroke-off.

Ah, return of the horrible group lip synch.  Needless to say it's total crap.  Step two for fixing Idol... ditch the group lip-synchs.  Or at least bring in Blind Scott to lead them, or have a physically impaired Finalist every season.  I don't know.  I've had a few beers now and I'm just riffing here.

The Idols sing the most vanilla Alice Cooper "School's Out" I've ever heard.  And then Alice shows up to speak-sing horribly off key.  Got to love it.  Tip number three for fixing this show... Stop the goddamn medleys and the "ladies and gentlemen..." interruptions every freaking song.  It's really corny and outskirts of Vegas lounge-worthy.  "Ladies and Gentlemen... Peaches and Herb."    

Alice Cooper shows Lee how to growl with authority, like he's doing it on purpose whereas Lee is just failing at singing.  Tip number four for improving Idol...  Have Alice Cooper mentor next year.  They'd have decapitated mannequins and spitting blood in every performance.  That would be pretty awesome.  

Kris Allen sings now.  The crack Idol production team sucks again as they biff the sound mix and the director and Seacrest are still audible on the mic two bars into the song.  Kris sounds flat.  Maybe the song is so crappy it's just written out of key.  I'm not sure.  Kris looks great, sounds good, but this song is typical Idol crap.  It's hook-free, tuneless rambling about an imaginary relationship.  They're singing "School's Out" 40 years later.  I don't think anybody's still singing  "Trying Not to Let You Down" four days from now.  And the song just ends.  Did Kara write this one, too?  

Montage of Simon...  The first of about a million of these things.  I'll save time by saying they are all horribly unfunny.  Also, it's not like Simon is retiring like Johnny Carson.  He's moving onto an even more horrible rip-off of this show.  And it'll be on TV in about a month.  We'll be seeing Simon before any of these other goofs.  I wonder if there is a barrel-scraping minimal amount of effort needed to judge a TV show and cash $50 million dollar checks.  I believe we'll see it on "X Factor."  Poof Daddy said that he wants  Simon's job.  That talentless ass-wipe already had a horrible singing reality show.  I promise, if P.  Diddy becomes a judge on Idol I WILL BE DONE.  I am serious.

Siobhan and Aaron Kelly sing a duet.  I think when America voted them off it showed exactly how much we didn't want to hear them sing ever again.  And why do these dullards slow every goddamned song down?  Are they really that terrible that they can't even sing ballads at a tempo slightly faster than an EKG of their brain wave pattern?  (Apologies to Emo Phillips for borrowing that one.)    

The Bee Gees are there.  And they have speed the song up to do it right.  I have to say the Bee Gees sound pretty good.  And it wasn't creepy at all that senior citizen Barry makes lovey-dovey eyes at Siobhan and sings his part of the song directly to her.  Nope, not creepy at all.  And Barry sings it higher than Siobhan as well.  Awesome.  

Gross, The Hoff is there.  I thought he was in rehab after a three day bender.  That's a pretty lenient rehab stint if he's out a couple hours later.  I hope I'm still ambulatory when I'm done traveling around the world, brew-wise.  

I start laughing hysterically at the cornball Michael's Lynche and Macdonald duet.  I liked these songs 30 years ago but there's absolutely no need to scrape the mold off and dust them off for an Idol finale, is there?  I was kind of hoping Taylor Hicks would show up for this one.  If this is the best the producers can come up with for entertainment purposes, then we can officially start calling season 10 "The Final Season" of Idol.  

Dane Cook comes out and bombs horribly.  It makes me fondly remember the Simon/Ryan gay panic comedy routines from
Idol days of yore.

A bunch of horrible Idol rejects wander on-stage, and they don't even let our beloved Tatiana sing before they cut to commercial.  Lame.

Ooh, another Group Stink.  Pinky girl shows up and butchers an awful song.  Ah yes, that's why we voted her ass off a long time ago.  The Idol girls come out, and they still can't harmonize for crap.

They're doing an Aguilera medley.  "Beautiful" is only eight years old.  It's tired and played out, but not like the other goddamn songs on tonight's show that were tired and played out BEFORE I WAS BORN.  And I'm pretty old.    

And it's an awful Aguilera medley.  Remember when Randy, or was it Kara declared this "The year of the Woman?  Yeah, they all sucked.  

They bring Aguilera out and she sings some ballad that's all about her vocal gymnastics, trills and jumps.  It's impressive in a way that this season was not.  But, it's still a boring ballad so I spent half the song trying to figure out if her earpieces were rhinestoned or not.  That would be pretty sweet if they were.  Having just said that, I need another beer.  Probably time for the Moosehead now.

Ricky Gervais shows up and adds some legitimate humor to the dire proceedings.  He sums up this minimal-effort by everyone season when he jokes that he didn't feel like making the half-mile  trip to the studio to record his bit on-stage.  I just saw Ricky do his stand-up last week.  It was hysterical.  He did a brilliant bit about gay animals in nature and a joke about juggling 15 cocks.  You had to be there.

Boys do another shitty medley, this time to Hall and Oates.  Hall and Oates are there, right?  Man, with every group sing they rub my nose in how talentless this season's Finalists were.  I love the inspired choreography.  Ooh, they march together.  I swear, is this 1982?  This is awful.

Alanis shows up to duet with Crystal.  Alanis looks like she was buttered up and left in the sun too long.  She went from being one of the most pale people on the planet to being one of the toastiest.  They both stalk the stage and Alanis nearly trips.  Then Crystal goes for the camaraderie arm touch during the song and Alanis pulls away like Crystal hadn't showered in a month...  Oh right.  Then to make it up to her, Alanis gives her a Hollywood hug after it was all over.

Carrie Underwood shows up wearing a vest made out of melted CDs mushed together.  This song sounds exactly like "Before He Cheats" but they ditched the story part and she just sings the the three-note chorus over and over.  I liked that she hired Oliver Twist as a fiddler player with his battered top hat.  Good to see that spunky urchin get some honest work.  Oh, gross.  We find out the song was written by Dioguardi.  I could smell the stench of month old broccoli and sour milk.  And desperation.

Kris "surprises" Lee and Crystal with new cars.  Let's just say their reactions were less than enthusiastic.  (With no emotion) "Thanks Ford."  I think it's hilarious Crystal's had a Star of David hood ornament.  

Casey sings "Every Rose Has A Thorn."  Brett Michaels climbed out of his hospital bed to be there.  He seems to have made a strong recovery from his brain aneurysm...  It's a pity Kara still hasn't.  Casey is having a good time.  That makes one of us.  

Chicago is carted out, and they are capital "O" Old -- Okay, I like Chicago.  I'm a sucker for horns.  And they thankfully sing only Pre- Peter Cetera hits.  Lee looks zoned out during the whole performance.  There's no connection with the camera, the audience, nobody.  Does anybody really know what time it is?  Does anybody care?  I sure don't.    Pussy ballads.  Now THIS is the kind of artist that Lee will be.  He butchered the falsetto part.  This sounds terrible.  I can only imagine they can't hear themselves on-stage, because these dudes have been playing these songs for forty years now, you'd think they would sound better.

Matt Rogers , the cheeseball cowboy from what, season two?  Three? is in some random location.  He's shouting like he's doing a professional wrestling promo.  He declares tonight "The funnest night of my life."  Who imagined this guy would be the only one from his season cashing a paycheck years later.  

Pants on the Ground Guy performs, of course.  I'm still betting this guy will sell more albums than either Crystal or Lee.  I called that way back in week one.  It seems like a lifetime ago.

Another Simon dick-stroke montage.  The producers must be thrilled that Simon is fake-leaving so they have something to do for this stupid season finale.  And for this they needed four hours?

And Paula is there.  And they applaud as if she's going to do anything funny or exciting.  I guess Paula is supposed to be doing a Simon Roast, but let's just say she's not Ms. Rapier Wit.  Paula packs a whole season of awkward moments into a five minute comedy bit.  

Why is Simon's leaving the least bit surprising?  He did the same thing on British Idol.  

Aww, all of the previous Idol winners are going to sing for Simon now.  They're going to try and out-sing each other on a horrible song.

Hey, Taylor Hicks is there.  I thought that dude was forbidden from ever being mentioned on this show.  He's still my favorite Idol of them all.  He even gets a grunting constipated face/vocal run.  The guy still has it.

Then Paula and Kara have an orgy with Simon.  And a ton of failed former Idols are paraded out so Simon can make fun of them again.  Where's Blind Scott?  Is David Cook too big to show up for this?  I'm sitting here trying to remember all of their names and figure out who is missing?  Where's McPhee, Clay, Daughtry, Glambert, Cook and Blind Scott?  No Sanjaya.  How is this even a fitting tribute without some Worsters?

Simon gets in one final lie before leaving, telling the Idol-tards: "You guys are the judges...  Except when we use our bogus judge's save to over-rule you."  

It's an hour-forty in and I'm thinking, why can't they end it here?  Oh no, they have to give Siobhan her 14th freaking solo tonight.  And the Idols have to do more goddamn group lip-synchs.  

Hey Janet Jackson is there, dressed like Morticia Addams.  

Nope, still not feeling this is better than ending the show an hour early.  She sings one of the longest, most boring songs ever committed to a Digital Recorder.  Damn, that song is endless.  And then she breaks into "Nasty."  She can shake it for a 44 year old wearing a sin-tight uni-tard.  

It was about this point that when I spilled my Arriba Extra (From Mexico) all over the couch.  I thought this was supposed to be beers from around the world but half of them are from Mexico.  And I'm all out of limes.  If I leave for Ralph's I can still be back in time for the remaining three and a half hours of show left.

"With A Little Help From My Friends" a duet with Lee and Crystal.  Is Joe Cocker there?   I sure hope so.  Yes, I called it.  Awesome.  Joe Cocker looks and sounds like Redd Foxx while wearing a paisley indigo jacket.  Sing it Fred Sanford.  Would it have killed them to let Taylor do a quick vocal run and a spazz out?  

Boring British accountant guy comes out (seems a little fishy) and Holy crap, Lee is the winner.  I guess it's fitting that the worst season has the Worst Singer ever to win this show.  "How does it feel to be the new American Idol?"  I don't know how he feels, but remember that proverbial shark that the show hacked to death with a jagged karaoke machine months back...  Well it just got killed deader.  

What a titanic load of crap.  I'm gonna get another beer now.

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Thanks once again all of you loyal Worsters who made this season fun for me.  It's all worth it for you young lads and ladies.        I hope that I could entertain you for 20 minutes a week while you should be working.

And to answer your questions... Yes, VFTW will muster our collective mojos to mercilessly rip "X Factor."  Simon thinks he was rid of us...  Hah!  We're gonna be like flies on poo for that turd-burger show.  I'm making a bold prediction now that "X Factor" is so terrible they can it and Simon is back on Idol in time for Season 10.  You've heard it here first.

Just youtube some of the crappy performances from that show and you'll know what I'm talking about.  And you thought THIS season was awful.  I can't wait.

So until then...   Listen to some good albums, download some music with creativity and tunefulness and we'll be back before you know it.

Best wishes.  And until next time, Class Dismissed.

--Chan