Idol CAGED DEATH MATCH 2008!!!

Idol CAGED DEATH MATCH 2008!!!

I’m sick and tired of this “Greatest Top 24 Ever” B.S. that Idol keeps repeating like a mantra. It’s the old theory of propanda which states that if you repeat a lie often enough then it becomes the truth.

So I decided to do something about it. I’m pitting the Top 10 of Season 7 against each of the 6 other seasons in a no holds barred Cage Match to see which is the GREATEST IDOL SEASON EVER!!!

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Yeah, I know, this sounds like a stupid idea, and it is. But I’m not one to shy away from stupid ideas. Last season I suffered through a horde of Idol produced albums to see how bad they really were. And boy, they were HORRIBLE!

The other factor in this is that we’ve only seen these people perform 5 times on the Idol stage, which really doesn’t give us enough of an idea how good or bad they really can be. But that’s my point. It’s still too early to tell whether this year’s winner is a Jordan Sparks (a relative dark horse) or a Carrie Underwood (the front runner from week #2 of her season).

And if it’s too early to tell who is going to win, it’s way too goddamn early to declare this season “The Most Talented Season Ever.” But that’s fine. It means all 5 weeks of their performances are fair game for my American Idol CAGED DEATH MATCH 2008!!

The whole “Most Talented Top 24 Ever” marketing campaign came about after last season’s amazing VFTW success with Sanjaya. Idol got a sharp stick jabbed in the Eyeball of Credibility. Now the Producers can laugh the Sanjaya Affair off because they’ve got 5 plants in the Finals. So we can laugh off their stupid “Best Ever” propaganda, right? I mean this is a silly TV show, we should all just lighten up and have some fun, right?

WRONG! This is IDOL CAGED DEATH MATCH 2008!!! I Guess you weren’t listening.

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GROUND RULES:

I will pit the top 10 from this season with top 10s from seasons past in singles and tag team matches. I will try to match singers of equal ranking or similar musical tastes. I will take the head to head victories and tally them up at the end to declare an IDOL CAGED DEATH MATCH 2008 CHAMPION!!!

Thanks to the magic of youtube every single Idol performance is on-line, so those old performances from past Idols of yore are available to listen to today. I’ll give you the youtube links so you can play along at home.

First up is SEASON 1 VS. SEASON 7

Season 1

These top 10 are better remembered more as the skinny, pretty, model-types than actual singers. When Kelly Clarkson is the fat one, you KNOW there was some eating disorder going on back-stage. These Finalists are buffed and tanned. If this was a push-up contest Season 1 would CRUSH Season 7, kick sand in their faces and steal their girlfriends. Season 1 is the top 10 that people think of when they declare that Idol only lets skinny, pretty people through.

Also notable are the horrific fashioin styles foisted on these innocent people from the “hip” Idol dressers. What did they do to anyone? They didn’t sign up for The Great Idol Juggernaut that they have today. It was merely a summer replacement. They didn’t know what they were getting themselves into, fashion-wise. Only Ryan Starr can be blamed because she designed her own clothes.

For some reason, I found clips of EVERY SINGLE GIRL wearing some mid-riff bearing top and a shawl-skirt worn over some aladdin pants. It’s like an evening at Gypsy Outfit Emporium. That is just awful. Thankfully that style ended right after Clarkson was crowned Champion.

Here are the Season 1 Rankings (how they finished)

Versus my percieved rankings of Season 7 Finalists.

SEASON 7 SEASON 1

1. David Archuleta 1. Kelly Clarkson

2. Carly Smithson 2. Justin Guarini

3. Michael Johns 3. Nikki McKibbin

4. Ramiele Malubay 4. Tamyra Gray

5. Chikezie Ezie 5. RJ Helton

6. Brooke White 6. Christina Christian

7. David Cook 7. Ryan Starr

8. Syesha Mercado 8. A.J. Gil

9. Jason Castro 9. Jim Verraros

10. Kristy Lee Cooke 10. EJay Day

Title Match #1 Kelly Clarkson Vs. #2 Carly Smithson

BEST OUT OF THREE FALLS

I never watched Season 1 until the Idol Re-runs last year. Every week was a series of good performances by tall, athletic model-singers and then pudgy little Kelly would come out and blow them all off the stage. Kelly is the American Idol that others are measured against.

Musical Styles: Kelly is the power-ballad Queen. Her few steps outside of this comfort zone weren’t terrible, but her version of peppy dance song, “It’s Raining Men” was pretty weak. Moving and singing aren’t Kelly’s forte.

VS.

Carly Smithson has a booming voice but has yet to show us a quality softer range. Carly’s “Blackbird” was a repetitive, uninvolving ballad. Carly may be more versatile, singing both husky rock and Celine Dion balladry. But despite not being much of a hoofer, Kelly had a teeny-bop dance hit with “Since You’ve Been Gone.” Do you see Carly having any kind of dance hit?

ROUND 1

Carly is a seasoned veteran with a failed album under her belt. Kelly and Carly both sang the same stupid song on each of their albums.

Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4-jxSKbC2U

In fact this mad genius mushed them together and you can’t really tell them apart.

Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUFhBtJzOj0

Although I prefer Kelly’s version I don’t think it was appreciably better. It’s a piffle little fluff song. Both are forgettable so we’ll call that one a draw.

ROUND 2 – 60s week.

Kelly sang “Natural Woman”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vZ00h_crSw

Carly Sang “The Shadow of Your Smile”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LROUCz3qk8

On a second listen I think that Carly was much better than me and Simon had originally given her credit for. And she hits her notes but there was one in the beginning that she knew was flat.

But while Carly is huffing and puffing and trying to sing THE ballad, Kelly makes the whole thing sound effortlessly beautiful. She’s got an amazing voice.

Round 2 Winner: Clarkson.

ROUND 3 Chan’s Choice -- I picked a random Clarkson song where she was wearing the Idol Gypsy look. -- “Don’t Play that Song.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yja6wgkjGmk

Carly -- “Crazy on You” Wearing Idol Gypsy Look 2008.

Carly’s best song, and bounciest performance is pretty good and sounds like the album. Kelly’s belting, however is effortless. Now we see that Simon’s Kelly/Carly comparison is a little silly right now.

Final Verdict – Kelly can sing the delicate stuff but she booms out with that amazing voice and the surprise never gets old.

Carly has a distinctive voice, not as beautiful as Kelly’s and she doesn’t have that connection with the Every Girl that Kelly does. Oh and 20 million albums sold and a couple of Grammies seals this one, game set match.

Victory: Kelly Clarkson-- Still Reigning Idol Champion.

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Round 2 – David Archuleta vs. Justin Guarini

This is the battle of the Top 2 Guys. The puppy dog looks and rheumy eyes of The Archulater, versus the toned bod and mop-top of The Guarini. This seems like an easy victory for the Archulater, but not too fast, buckos.

David is great at ballads. In fact that’s all he can do. His attempts at any sort of movement are horrible. Justin actually has a few dance moves, and could probably put together a decent dancing video, if anyone was bothered.

Round 1 - 60s week.

Guarini - “Sunny”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tcl8XlP8GUc

Archuleta -- “Shop Around”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYcuwp9gtW8

Well, they both did their things. Guarini’s crisp, airy but sometimes flat vocals with Archuleta’s gasping and precocious professionalism. I’ll call that one a draw.

Round 2 – SUDDEN DEATH DECIDER -- STEVIE WONDER

Guarini: “Once in My Life”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpWl-lWJrbY&feature=related

Arhuleta: “We Can Work It Out” Stevie Wonder version.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dcgl4laNjUE

Whoops. When David remembers the words he’s pretty good. But Guarini does a credible Stevie impression and I think we have a winner.

Final Verdict – Just listening back to Archuleta’s songs, his slight lisp and raspy gasps for air are distracting. Guarini’s R&B smooth vocals are pretty good. He doesn’t always hit the notes, but he has a pleasant voice and he can sing and dance. Stage presence definitely goes to Guarini.

Victory: Justin

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Battle of the Kooky Girls with Foolish Hair.

Ramiele Malubay Vs. Nikki McKibbin

Nikki was one of the weakest vocalists and yet parlayed her underdog appeal, pink hair and rock-lite growling into the Final 3 slot. If VFTW was around Nikki easily would’ve been our VFTW choice as her over-ambitious song choices and weak shout-singing made her odd girl out amongst the other seasoned pop/R&B pros from the season.

Easy victory for Ramiele, right...? Not so fast.

1970s Week

Nikki - “Heartbreaker”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujHHARIWHIY

Ramiele- “Don’t Leave Me This Way”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0gnS_TZQAw

This one is closer than I thought. Ramiele is cute and endearing but mumbles her words. Nikki is a little strident and sort of belts out the notes confidently, if not musically. But Nikki has to wear the stupid Idol Gypsy uniform. Hmm... I’m leaning towards a DRAW, but I can’t listen to Ramiele’s Phil Collins again.

Final Verdict: Ramiele for less shouting.

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Handi-Cap Match. Syesha Mercado/Chikezie Ezie/Brooke White versus Christina Christian

Syesha is the closest thing to a Whitney style diva this season. But as a singer she’s a great Commercial actress.

Brooke is quirky and funny. She’s shown versatility playing guitar and piano, but neither to great effect. And she hasn’t really shown any fantastic vocals yet.

Chikezie brings Luther Vandross type chops but a strange bluegrass corniness. They all take on Christina Christian, who I’m sure you’ll discover is more than a match for all three of them.

Take your pick of the best from Chikezie,Syesha and Brooke, then listen to this: “The Glory of Love”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCgfFGLjsZo&feature=related

And this: “At Last”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQTk7-gHO8I&feature=related

Christina shows her graceful soul singing, sweet, strong vocals and she has beautiful control. Christina easily beats Brooke or Syesha or Chikezie And she’s NOT EVEN THE BEST soul singer from her Season.

Tamyra Gray is a comparable talent to Kelly Clarkson and should have been in at least second place, but finished a disappointing 4th. She’s Season 1’s Daughtry or Doolittle, a too good singer goes home in 4th to keep the show dramatic. That’s why we need VFTW, people. We weren’t even in existance when that happened.

Anyway, listen to this: “A House is Not a Home”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltDySI_zE9k

And This: “And I Am Telling You, I’m Not Going”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hftbS6XJxLA&feature=related

These became Idol standards after Tamyra showed us how to sing them.

Final Verdict – Christina and Tamyra easily destroy the second and third best girls, and Chikezie’s best performance so far. And they’re both arguably better singers than Carly.

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RJ Helton Vs. Michael Johns

The Thunder from down under has the looks and sexy accent to drive the middle-aged hausfraus wild. But he has the stage presence of a turnip. Still his rock-styled vocals and dramatic flair for song choice should easily knock out RJ Who...? But wait…

RJ Helton – Good singer with awkward dude-stripper dance moves.

Johns- Good singer with Jim Morrison rock god hop in place dance.

70s week.

Michael Johns - “Go Your Own Way”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ojdTCrQATc

RJ Helton - “Superstition”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXKWniQ8NKw

Final Verdict -- I thought this would be an easy slam dunk for Johns, but his vocals are shouty and off-key. RJ, despite some dodgy pelvic thrusts is surprisingly on point vocally, and sings a pretty good Stevie Wonder, an Idol taboo.

Final Verdict -- RJ in an upset.

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Hot Slut Battle -- Kristy Lee Vs. Ryan Starr

Well, we know what Kristy sounds like.

Here is Ryan Starr-- “If You Really Love Me”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCikK7EvylY

Ryan has a surprisingly strong voice. Not a great singer, but then neither is Kristy, and she had a record deal. This is a pretty bad performance. But Ryan has the sluttier outfits.

Winner - Ryan Starr

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That's 6-1 for Season 1.

I’ll even concede wins for David Cook and Jason Castro over the likes of A.J. Gil, Jim Verraros and EJay Day.

Season 7 is strong in their bench talent and variety of skills. Every pop genre is represented. Country, Rock, Whitney Ballads, weird country Bluegrass.

With the exception of Kelly and Nikki all of the others fall in the now-standard Idol Whitney-Stevie-Aretha Pop/R&B range. I noticed an awful lot of Stevie wonder while going over the song lists for Season 1.

However, Season 1 had THE BEST singer, and the girls dominate. Aside from Carly who puts up a competitive effort the triple threat of Kelly, Christina and Tamyra blow away the best singers from Season 7. Guarini is better than season 1’s best guys. And AJ is a decent #2.

I guess Season 7 has the arguably better collective talent from top to bottom, but Season 1 is much stronger 1-6 (dismissing Nikki of course)

WINNER: SEASON 1

Season 1 BRUTALIZES Season 7 in the first Idol CAGED DEATH MATCH 2008!!!

--Chan