Professor Chan's Grading the Idols: Top 12 Females

Hello Ladies and Gentleman,

Does this show make you physically tired, or is it just me?  Name another TV show on any channel that exhausts you by the end of an episode?  You can't.  Only Idol.  

Class is back in session thanks to some liberal TiVo juggling.  Man, this Idol shift to Wednesdays and Thursdays really has thrown me for a loop.  I had to cut off the last 16 minutes of Top Chef, bump Top Model off our Queue, record the 2 AM Daily Show, and finagle the Season Manager to tape the later airing of Justified just to squeeze in this two hour snore-fest  And I refuse to cancel Community or Big Bang to record Thursday Idol so no, thankfully I can't watch the horrible, horrible Idol Results Show, even if I want to. 

I've been so out of it that I didn't even realize the bad singing had started yesterday. Whoops!  I'm glad we decided to rally around Red-Haired Kenny G.  I can't wait to actually hear him sing terribly as our Worst.

But luckily (or unluckily, depending on your tolerance for horrible R&B Diva screeching) the Idol Girls stick to their tradition of singing awful ballads AND boring me to tears.  So basically, they suck in non-entertaining ways.  

Since most of these people will never be seen again I'm not going to look up names, song titles, or hometowns or ages.  I'm writing this review without a safety net.  Can you smell the danger?  
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Ryan warns us he's on the Idol stage that will be in use for the next three months.  Three more months of Season 10?  Kill me now.  I've only watched two episodes and I'm already exhausted.

Beyonce Impersonator Ta-Tanysa --

Ta-Tanysa badly sings a 1986 Casio version of a Rihanna song.  I just saw the real Rihanna perform it at the NBA All-Star game and I still couldn't remember that I'd heard it before.  A good rule of thumb for this show is when the original song is boring and forgettable then the Idol Clone version will definitely forcefully put you to sleep.  Ta-Tanysa was so off-key even Randy made a face like he was smelling poo.  

And then Ryan makes a fat joke about  how Randy "is hard to move."  That doesn't even make sense, Ryan.  All I'd have to do is wave a nacho beef gordita in Randy's direction and he'll move.  Fast.   

GRADE: FAIL
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Naima Lounge Singer Girl singing  "Summertime" from that hip, new record producer G. Gershwin.

So let's see, singing weepy 75 year old standards in a cheesy cabaret style...  Yep, she should have a career ahead of her as a pop star.

And all the people can see up your home-sewn banana dress, Naima.  Did you even take measurements?  

I think Naima was just trying to jump the gun on "Songs from people who have been dead for 50 years" Night.

GRADE: C -- This performance will definitely lead to a career playing the finer jazz bars in the Cleveland area.

Jennifer babbles something about how Naima is an "exotic rose in a flower garden."  Is she channeling Paula Abdul?  Stephen blathers about how he wants an "Old new-timey thing that's new."  Wait, I'm confused.  Now HE is channeling Paula.  It's hard to tell who the new Paula Abdul as all three judges keep trying to out-stupid each other.
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Kendra - Sings Christina Aguilera's "It's Impossible."

Kendra is wearing pleather pants.  On TV.  In 2011.  Who decided that was the fashion statement that would label her "Superstar?"

Kendra is nasally, shrill and unpleasant.  And going home.  She does a whole bunch of Aguilera vocal runs and it sounds like she's making up her own melody.  

In other news, Aguilera was busted for being so drunk she couldn't stand up.  Wait, now is SHE channeling Paula Abdul?  What the hell is going on here?

GRADE: FAIL
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Muppet Sexpot Rachel--  Sings the karaoke version of Fiona Apple's "Criminal."

Muppet Sexpot Rachel begins the song wearing a Tassled Satin Poncho of Lust, but she quickly discards that for a 1920's flapper dress previously worn by Miss Piggy.  

You got to love a four foot tall girl with the body of a 12 year old boy singing cabaret versions of songs about sexing you up.  On Idol.  Steven Tyler is digging it, but that's only because he's a walking geriatric boner.  

GRADE: A for Awesome.  I'm pretty sure Rachel can ruin other songs in bad and interesting ways.  I'm definitely voting for her.  VFTW baby!!!
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Karen Rodriguez sings some Mariah Carey song and throws in Spanish translations.   That was awesomely cheesy.

Karen has all the star power of a soccer mom doing karaoke.  And not even a MILFy soccer mom singing Pussycat Dolls numbers after too many margaritas.  But like a soccer mom singing Spanish Mariah Carey songs while wearing a 1978 Miss America evening gown.

Karen's last warbling glory note gave me shivers.  Bad shivers.

GRADE: FAIL -- She will be going home.  
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Dee Snyder Girl is up next.  She's amazing.  She has uncombed, frizzy hair, and is wearing a shiny piece of cloth belted around her.  She looks like an angry man while singing and it's a pretty outstanding performance.

At one point she stomps around, then goes to retrieve her mic stand, which she forgot she knocked over at the beginning of the song.  Awesome.  

I don't even remember what she was singing because I was laughing too hard.

GRADE A for Awesome -- Dee Snyder girl makes VFTW magic happen.  Definitely a strong contender for our vote if something happens to Midget Sexpot Rachel.
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AshThon -- Sings a song by someone called Monica.  I'm not exactly well-versed on my R&B divas.  Luckily I don't have to be with this dumb show that keeps recycling Celine, Mariah, Whitney and Christina songs year after painful year.

Ashthon reminds me of several other previous Idol contestants.  She's wearing a denim bustier and skin-tight pants.  And she eye-humps the camera, and the judges, and Ryan.  She hits a lot of random high notes from out of nowhere which sort of impresses the judges.  Randy thinks Ashthon should sing a Diana Ross song next time, though.  Great.  At least Monica has a hit song from the last ten years.  Diana Ross hasn't had a hit song in 40 years.  Way to keep it hip and current, Randy.  You are an ass.

GRADE: C -- Average all the way.
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Julie Zorilla - Lea Michele girl sings Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway"  The karaoke Glee version.

Julie's out of tune from the start.  She's all over the place, shouting parts of the song until the melody disintegrates completely by the end.  Impressive.  Easily the worst singing performance of the night.  It's so bad the Idols can only muster a polite applause from their seats, even though everyone has been getting standing ovations all night. 

GRADE: FAIL
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Haley AKA "Floppy McNipple" -- She sings an Alicia Keyes song "I Keep Fallin'" or something like that.  I'm not looking it up.

Haley gives a pretty awesome performance.  I gather she was one of the Idol front-runners from auditions.  Her voice is good but her flailing attempts at dancing are a sight to behold.  She's like a drunk rag doll flopping around on-stage.  She does some poopy dance, throws in a random lazy spin in place and plenty of drunk-legged half-walking.  And her two-fisted mic gripping was um, suggestive.  And I think she's only 16 so Idol committed some felonies as I'm almost certain her under-age nipple kept popping out of her tube top.  But I honestly wasn't trying to look. 

Randy will never be Simon because he's too easily manipulated.  He can't dig in and take a position on anyone.  He starts off trashing Haley's performance, but by the time Steven and Jennifer have given their critiques he has glommed on to their "Haley gave a good performance" version of reality. 

GRADE: A for Awesome -- More Statutory nudity will end Idol faster than this slow Chinese-torture death of a season.  I definitely want to see Haley be gawky and uncomfortable dancing on stage again.  I would vote for her.
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Thia Megea -- Sings something called "On My Own" some sort of Disney movie type ballad.

Thia has a pretty voice and sings a dull, but sweet performance.  She's too good a singer, and gives me nothing to work with, so she gets no VFTW love.  

Remember when I suggested that Randy Flip-flops about his opinions?  Here he nearly does a Free Willy style backflip when he declares "A good singer doesn't need to do all those runs and stuff.  It's all about quality of tone."  Quality of Tone?!?!  This is coming after years of whoring for glory notes and Mariah Carey trills and NOW he's Mr. Quality of Tone?  You suck, Randy.

GRADE: A -- Thia sounds like a contender.  But it's way too early to tell, and Idol hates Asians, so they'll find a way to under-cut her.
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Lauren Alaina - Sings some bad country song about turning on the radio.  

Lauren is a plump country girl who commands the stage.  She's pretty good and has more personality than all the Season 9 contestants combined.  

She's a little trashy and her hair is a mess, and her outfit looks dragged out of a dumpster.  Maybe that's why I like her.  Until the Idol Producers force her to lose 40 pounds and sing horrible Kara DioGuardi songs after she wins I'll be rooting for her.  

GRADE: A -- Lauren's the only girl to show any personality and stage presence.  
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Pia - Sings Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You."

Did you know Randy's been here for 10 years?  He's only mentioned it a hundred times tonight, as if to say "I've been here for 10 years and so you can't just ignore me."  Right before Jennifer and Steven ignore him.  Oh, Pia's awful, even though she sings the best song of the night.  

GRADE: C

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And that's it.  A fairly unimpressive collection of mediocre singing talents.  Idol would love a girl to win but once again the girls are dull and predictably uncreative.

See y'all next week.
Chan