Top 3 Recap: "Would She Go Down With You to the Theater?"

When the top 3 have to sing 3 songs a piece, I just count my blessings that Haley is still here and there’s still a little excitement left. I mean how many boring country ballads can one person take? Scotty starts off with “Amazed” by Lonestar and it’s a typical, boring Scotty performance. When he hits the higher notes, it’s a struggle and he loses his place in the song. Other than that though, there’s nothing to say as I fell asleep 2 or 3 times during the performance. Steven says he kicked the song into the middle of next week. Jennifer says that Scotty has grown a lot since the beginning of the show. Randy says there were pitchy spots, but he put a period at the end of the song. And we all know how much every girl loves when it’s time for her period.

Lauren picks “Wild One.” It’s a good choice because she always sounds better on uptempo songs than ballads. She just doesn’t have much confidence; she acts as if she’s pretending to be a singer for her mommy and daddy (actually, that’s probably exactly what she’s doing). Also, I can’t take my eyes off of the hideous flower earrings and ridiculous dress. But performance wise- it’s a 7 out of 10 or so. Good enough but nothing special. Steven says that Lauren is ready for America to be all over her. America isn’t ready for Lauren to be all over them though.

Haley chooses “What Is And What Should Never Be” by Led Zeppelin. The other 2 contestants pick songs that sound like Idol standards and Haley pisses on the competition and picks classic rock. Love it. She does the sexpot thing and then trips over herself and falls on stage. Her fall was by far the best moment of the first half of the show. As she sings, I can’t understand a word she’s saying and that’s perfect. She obviously is doing whatever she wants and she doesn’t care if people vote. That makes her a great VFTW pick. The judges love it, oddly enough, and call it the performance the best one so far. Then again, maybe they just feel bad for sandbagging her in the past. That seems to be the case.

Scotty’s second performance is “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not.” His dumb faces make his performances classic, but the performances are dull as dirt without watching his ugly mug. I’ve got nothing else to say at all. This guy thinks he’s going to get so much high school pussy when he’s done on the show – and he probably will. He better remember to lock them doors and turn the lights down low. He doesn’t want his parents walking in on him and he also doesn’t need people remembering how creepy his face looks. Jennifer says she wants Scotty to shave his head for the finale. I thought he looked way more inbred with the shaved head, so I say, “Yes. Do it.” The funnier he looks, the easier I can get through his performances.

Lauren Alaina sings “If I Die Young” as her second performance. It’s probably one of her better vocals of the season at the beginning because the song seems to fit her well, but she loses her place in the middle and then starts screaming off key at the end. She seems a bit lost in parts, like the song swallowed her alive. Kind of weird. Jennifer compliments Lauren’s tone and says that Lauren messed up because she got caught up in the honesty she was creating. I created some honesty in the toilet during the commercial break too, but I didn’t let it catch me up. The best moment of the performance is when I’m treated to Lauren’s creepy mom with the 500 pounds of makeup in the audience. That woman is beyond ridiculous looking and I love her botoxed, dead-eyed face so much.

Haley Reinhart’s choice from Jimmy Iovine is “Rhiannon.” She gets a wind machine to blow her hair and dress as she sings. The beginning is actually really cool and creepy (in a good way) but then the camera zooms in on Haley’s acne and I can’t stop looking at it. After the music picks up a bit, the performance goes downhill fast and Haley just writhes around for no good reason with the wind machine. That’s when I remember why I love her so much as a VFTW pick. She still doesn’t give a crap what anyone thinks and she’s really weird. Randy says Haley cracks him up and Jennifer says that Haley didn’t take it as far as she thought she would at the end of the song.

I am not going to review Scotty’s performance of “She Believes in Me.” It’s too boring and I can’t take it. Scotty didn’t give me an interesting performance at all this week, so the hell with him.

Lauren’s third performance is “I Hope You Dance” and the horrible fashion continues. Since the lyrics talk about feeling small while standing beside the ocean, she dresses like an ocean. All that’s missing are starfish and seashells glued onto her dress. Who dresses this girl (and can they never ever stop)? She sounds ok until the song gets toward the end. Then she attempts to go for “big moments” and falls flat. Her voice keeps cracking and she just isn’t good enough to sing at this stage of the competition. Jennifer says that the performance gave her “goosies from head to toe.” Steven thinks she sang the song perfectly. Yeah, not even close.

Haley ends the show with my favorite performance of the night, “You Oughta Know.” Haley seems happy about the choice, but she forgets the lyrics and runs around as if she’s not quite sure what to do. It doesn’t help that the show made her change the line “would she go down on you in a theater” to “would she go down with you to the theater.” I’d forget the lyrics too if I was too busy remembering how to change all the lyrics to clean up a song. When she fakes anger toward Randy (yeah… fakes&hellip it’s actually a very funny moment and then she runs as quickly as possible to get back on stage to continue performing in her crazy style. I loved it. The judges say that they liked the choruses. You could tell they were holding themselves back from criticizing Haley for this one. They probably hate that they’ve looked like bullies since they only ever criticize Haley, so even Jennifer’s “I think we all heard the same thing in the middle parts… I think the stronger parts were the choruses” seems forced to try to emphasize any speck of positivity. If Haley can make it to the finale, the judges will have to continue to smile at the performances they hate, and that’s kind of funny.

So on to who’s going home – my best guess is that Lauren Alaina is high tailing it out of here. Scotty must obviously be getting the most votes and Haley will hopefully get votes from non-country fans and Worsters. That leaves Lauren out, since she’s splitting the country vote with babylockthemdoors. I wouldn’t be surprised if Haley went home though, because she’s long outstayed her welcome and people could just give up on her at this point if they don’t feel like she’s the underdog anymore. So hopefully Lauren is sent packing instead… but I’ll miss her awesomely white trash mom so much.