Grand 'Ole Idol

America's #1 Country Music Karaoke Show is back and we're starting off in Georgia, where we're bound to see an endless supply of rednecks and fundies singing country music and pandering to the freaks who actually watch and vote on this show. We see a flashback of past winners, 90% of whom have flopped. We're told that it's going to be a fresh season, other than the fact that a bland White Guy With Guitar is going to win for the fifth year in a row! First up is David Leathers, who's manwhoring up the girls despite sounding like he has no testicles. Gabi Carrubba has been watching Idol since she was a little girl and knows that the way to succeed on this show is to immediately offer herself up to Nigel.

We then see just a few seconds of people like Briane Faulk, Neco Starr, Molly Hunt and Elise Testone who are too offensive in some way to get a full audition. But you do get a full audition if you're a little extra crazy, like Jessica Whitley, who sounds like she has a foghorn up her nose.

Next up is Ryan Seacrest imitator Shaun Kraisman, who's doing an amazing job aping Ryan other than being too masculine and not orange enough. While Shaun's look is Seacrest, his singing is more Dunkleman.

15-year-old Shannon Magrane is next and she seriously needs to eat a cheeseburger or ten. Her father pitched in the major leagues and is now living out his lost glory through his daughter. And dad's about to throw a 95 mph fastball at Steven Tyler's head when he goes all pedo on his daughter.

Next we see my favorite type of montage, seemingly normal people who in reality are completely delusional and suck big-time! But I'd take any of these people over Hall Of Fame loser Amy Brumfield, who decided to get tattoos instead of paying rent and now lives in a tent in the woods and washes herself with a rag on a stick. She calls herself a Hipsy, which just sounds smelly. And her sob story is smelly too as something here doesn't fit.

Right about now Joshua Chavis needs a little calming down, like ten shots to the head with a sledgehammer. He says he's a country singer, like Brad Paisley and Chris Daughtry. I do see one similarity to Daughtry when Josh is cut from this show and acts like a giant pussy.

As we move into the 11th season on this show, we're starting to get a wave of delusional teens who've watched this show since they were babies and have given up everything in life because they think they'll be on this show. People like Stephanie Renae, who should spend less time dreaming and more time working on her dreadfully nasal singing voice.

It's now time for the fakest moment of this very fake show as Schyler Dixon is auditioning while her brother Colton is pretending not to be auditioning. Schyler is obviously threatend by Colton, probably because they both compete for the same guys. Schyler goes first and she's a boring robot. Colton's arm doesn't have to be twisted too hard for him to audition and doesn't seem distracted by the evil bitch faces his sister is giving him. 

Lauren Mink works with mentally disabled adults and she exploits them for sympathy by putting them on TV and I think I see James Durbin and Siobhan Magnus! Lauren's singing some boring country song, is robotic and completely emotionless, in other words exactly like Carrie Underwood.

We're over an hour into the show and surprisingly Idol hasn't made fun of Asians yet but they were just saving up for the mocking of African Mawuena Kodjo, who Idol provides sub-titles for despite him speaking fine English. But they should probably always have sub-titles for the type of people who watch this show.

And now a contestant we really do need subtitles for, Ashlee Altise. She's way out there, and possibly slightly dangerous, yet likeable. She'd be the perfect VFTW pick, so now that I've said this she'll never make the Finals.

W.T. Thompson seems to have his priorities straight. He has a six-month pregnant wife and has quit his stable job to try out for a karaoke show that produces nothing but flops.

Erica Nowak seems to know she doesn't have what it takes and the only way she's going to make it is by slutting it up, like J-Lo. Erica first squeezes Steven's ass, then Randy's. She wanted to squeeze J-Lo's ass too but it was too fucking big.

The slut theme continues as NBA dancer Brittany Kerr is next. While a lot of things have changed in my lifetime, one thing hasn't: Hot women give men like Steven and Randy hard-ons while making women like J-Ho massively jealous.

While we've seen all types of rednecks singing country tonight, the show wraps up by getting things back on point by having the ultimate boring, bland country White Guy With Guitar in Phillip Phillips. This show has stopped pretending to be relevant: It knows its only viewers are hicks and fundies and they are going to pander fully to them. Come back tomorrow night when we should hear many shout-outs to Jesus, an endless line of blondes singing country music and Idol making fun of ethnics.