Pittsburgh Auditions: Plank This!

We're off to Pittsburgh for Episode 2 where we're bound to see thousands of people in XXXL Steelers jerseys. This is the first time Idol's gone to Pittsburgh, a city that has produced such famous music acts as...I challenge you to name one major music act that's EVER come from Pittsburgh! Idol forgot to mock an Asian contestant last night as they always do so they make up for it right away as Heejun Han is up first. Heejun's a tad spaced out, like someone who's coming down from doing mushrooms last night, although his spastic arms are more like someone coming down from crack. And we get a pleasant surpirse as Heejun does well and gets through. That's the good news, Heejun. The bad news is that you'll be the first contestant eliminated by the people who watch this show if you make the Finals.

Next up is someone VFTW has been looking forward to seeing, Reed Grimm. Someone's been posting here that we're going to like Reed, and I see why as this audition is like Taylor Hicks conducting a train headed straight toward a nuclear power plant operated by Casey Abrams. Reed is spaztastic but has a face probably best suited for The Voice.

Up next is Samantha Novacek, who seems to have a sister in Pittsburgh who's famous for...Planking?!? For those who wonder what planking is, apparently it consists of lying flat on the floor and...that's it. Samantha looks like she's singing behind a dead seal as her sister is planking while she auditions. I think I'm going to try planking tonight...on top of my girlfriend!!!

If you think Planking is stupid, check out the name of the next auditioner: Creighton Fraker. He's giving a performance that makes Adam Lambert seem like Rambo. Will Creighton be the first contestant to come out while on Idol or will he pretend to be straight, like Adam did. I hope he does the latter just to see his fans try to talk themselves into believeing he's straight...and going insane in the process!

Now if those types of fans aren't enough to gross you out, keep an eye on the ones Eben Franckiewicz is going to get. He's a Bieber wannabe and should get lots of support from both types of fans who watch this show...old housewives and peds. Eben says he's been practicing for weeks, meaning he's said Fuck School! And Eben's performance is making Bieber seem like he sucks, because he does.

Every season we seem to see more and more rejected trash from season's past, people like Travis Orlando. Travis has made the most of the past 12 months since he auditioned, dropping out of High School and living in an alley. Travis' mom abandoned him after he was cut from Idol last season, and I can't really blame her. Travis' audition isn't good enough and the judges know it but they give him a pity gold ticket, either that or Nigel wants to see Travis jump off a building when he's cut this season.

It's Day 2 and J-Lo's late as she can't squeeze her ass into her skirt. Erika Van Pelt is up first and she's a Mobile DJ, and this show has come up with a real bunch of winners this season. One could argue Erika sings better than 95% of the females who've been on the charts the past decade, like Britney, Keisha and other geniuses like that. But Erika will never have a career as she's completely unpresentable. That's the way it goes!

Steven Tyler has a little red toy that makes jokes, and he has lots of others toys to play with the young girls he's into. And if you think Travis and Erika's career prospects aren't looking too promising, check out Shane Bruce, who's living out his lifelong dream of being...a coal miner?!? I'm thinking Travis likes going down the shaft as I'm watching his quite effeminate singing in front of five behemoth coal miners. But you gotta like anyone who introduces the song Hallelujah as the song from Shrek! The judges think Shane is not quite ready but want him to come back next year, save he doesn't die from Mesothelioma first.

Last up is an attractive girl so get out of the way...Steven Tyler Boner! Hallie Day tells us she tried to commit sucide a while back by swallowing a bottle of pills and she seems to still be having some effects as her personality is a notch above comatose. I don't know if her suicde attempt was just a desperate ploy for attention but her screeching and yelling while singing certainly is.

We're back next Sunday and just in case you missed it, Ryan repeated it ten million fucking times. There's really not much to say about this show anymore. The fun has been completely sucked out as the freaks we used to associate with auditions are a distant memory. Or maybe they're just as freaky as ever and they just seem normal with Steven Tyler around.