Pittsburgh Auditions - Exploiting Your Suicide Attempts

Today American Idol heads to Pittsburgh, home to the Steelers, the Pirates, and...uh...hmmm. Pittsburgh supposedly has half the freaks Savannah did, because tonight we're only suffering through an hour. And that hour starts with none other than Heejun Han. Heejun seems like a pretty cool guy...if not a little spacey. But since he's Asian, and American Idol loves mocking on Asians and Asian-Americans, he's edited to look like an idiot. He sings "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You", and he sounds pretty good. Randy says he is shocked, as if he's never heard an Asian guy sing well before. He gets three yeses, giving him a trip to Hollywood that might last two whole days. Edit: Turns out he's in the Top 24. So much for that prediction!

HOLLYWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

Up next is someone VFTW has already been watching, Reed Grimm. Reed takes to the stage and sings the theme song from Family Matters (that show with Urkel), as done by Casey Abrams, complete with scatting, but possibly with less scat as there was no evidence of Reed sharting himself. VFTW may have to share this one with the frauen if we wind up voting for him at some point.

Then we see a quickie clip of Aaron Sanders, who was Hollywood cannon fodder in AI10 and rumored to be in the Top 42, Chase Likens, who is a country singer (NEXT!), and a bunch of other people they showed for one second and probably never again.

Now for the beginning of the freak show! Sisters Patricia Bell and Samantha Novacek are here to audition. Well, Samantha is here to audition, and Patricia is here to plank while her sister is auditioning. Remember planking? That little fad that lasted for about six weeks last summer? Well, it was a short-lived fad for a reason - because it sucked. At this point, I'm not even paying attention to Samantha because Patricia, lying prone and silent, is actually slightly more interesting. The judges like her because they probably expected her to suck monkey balls, so she gets a free, one-to-two day trip to Hollywood. Good for her, I guess.

Creighton Fraker busks for a living, playing the keyboards while blowing bubbles and wearing bunny ears. He also appears gayer than a marathon of The Golden Girls and Designing Women, but we love that. We also love his wacky voice as he sings one of his own creations, followed by "Who's Lovin' You". Jennifer says he's as if Jamiroquai and Justin Timberlake had a (butt) baby. He's talented in a really unique way. This makes me sad because AI is certain to suck all of the soul and creativity out of him. If he manages to resist that, though, he'd be a prime candidate for VFTW if the opportunity presents itself. He's off to Hollywood and is rumored to be in the Top 42. Run, Creighton, run! Much like Reed Grimm and Philip Phillips, you're about to get bum rushed by a bunch of older women who smell like body cheese and Doritos.

Justin Bieber Eben Franckewitz is 15 years old, and is banking on starting a music career before his voice even changes. This Bieber lookalike walks in and sings "Ain't No Sunshine", and instantly becomes age-inappropriate frau bait. The judges say he was born to sing, and send him to Hollywood as "Baby" plays in the background. He's also on the rumored Top 42 list. Thanks, American Idol. That's sarcasm.

Travis Orlando is back again. He was here for AI10, giving us some sob story about being homeless. Since last year, his mom ran out with another man, and the remainder of the family live in a shelter. He sings "Isn't She Lovely". He's a little better than he was last year, but to him that was enough to drop out of high school. Just the thing to do when you're homeless. The judges feel sorry enough for him to send him to Hollywood, but I don't think a new home is in the cards this year. Travis, as my childhood icon Mr. T. used to say: Be cool. Stay in school.

Now it's Day 2 in Pittsburgh, and Jennifer is late, but no one seems to care as Randy and Steven are jamming for the contestants. J Lo ruins everything by arriving, so now the auditions must start again. Seriously, Jenny from the block is a lot more interesting when she's bending over and getting dry-humped by Pitbull on national TV, but I digress.

Erika Van Pelt is a DJ/Wedding singer. She sings Carole King's "Will You Love Me Tomorrow". She seems cool enough and is slightly more interesting than the average female contestant, so she probably doesn't stand a chance if she makes the voting rounds. The judges cream over her deep-alto and push her a little closer to those voting rounds by giving her a golden ticket. She's also on the rumored Top 42 list, so we'll see if she takes it all the way to the Top 24.

Shane Bruce is a coal miner from West Virginia. Rather than risk black lung and death in the caves, he's giving American Idol a shot. Shane sings "Hallelujah", which according to Shane is from Shrek (the movie, not the AI6 contestant). He's not bad, but not good enough for the golden ticket, so it's back to the Death Caves for Shane until he (probably) auditions again next year.

Now, we are mercifully up to the pimp spot, this time occupied by Hallie Day. Hallie is a pretty blonde who looks like all of the other pretty blondes on the show. She talks about moving to New York at 15 to pursue a music career, which didn't pan out (and really, it seemed like such a sure shot. Don't all teenage runaways make it big?). Then, the mental violins start as she talks about her suicide attempt, something that I may try myself if these sob stories don't end. Anyway, she's happily married now, and promises not to kill herself if she doesn't get to Hollywood. Hallie exploits her suicide attempt further by singing "I Will Survive". At this point, any feeling of compassion that I initially felt for her has vanished. She has a good voice but tries way too hard by over-enunciating (or, if you're Diana Ross, 'pronounciating'). Steven has a boner and asks Hallie to sing again, but thankfully the judges stop her and just hand her the golden ticket. J Lo feels threatened by Hallie's beauty and makes a catty remark about her hair, but honestly, I think Jen's just scratching the surface when it comes to Hallie's mockable traits.

And it's over. 38 people got golden tickets in Pittsburgh. We'll be back Sunday night, when an OMG EXTRA SPECIAL episode airs from the San Diego auditions. There goes my Sunday night. Thanks, American Idol.

Again, sarcasm.