San Diego Auditions: Idol Prison Blues

Well, it's only Sunday, but here we are again. I'm less than thrilled about it. We had a decent Wednesday show, but a shitty Thursday show, which makes me think we're in for three more weeks of shitty audition shows. Why is there an OMG EXTRA SPESHUL episode tonight? Well, there were football playoffs tonight, so I suppose the programmers at FOX were hoping for a hefty lead-in from all of those football fans. After all, you know that butch male sports fans make up the core of American Idol fans. No, wait, that's just 50-year-old women who look like linebackers. Anyway, the game ran into overtime, pre-empting the show for nearly an hour. This overtime must have been great for FOX's ratings, because American Idol sure isn't helping with the network's ratings this year.

Since San Diego is a huge naval town, the show is coming to us from the USS Midway. It's half appropriate that the show was filmed on a aircraft carrier, but for pure accuracy a sinking ship would have been better. And what more apropos for the occasion is it to start with an imitation of Season 8's Bikini Girl. Jennifer Diley walks in wearing the red, white and blue as a bikni top and hot pants that even Nicole Scherzinger would call slutty, and Steven makes a little noise as if he had just orgasmed. She sings "With You" by Jessica Simpson, and she doesn't sound horrible, but she's not that great, either. The judges tell her there isn't enough fire in her voice, but that could be because Steven may have already put it out earlier. Jennifer then offers to sing "Hero" by Mariah Carey, just the song to accentuate the fact that you're no Mariah. Randy humors her because he's pretty sure he has a boner, if he could only see it to confim. Of course, it bites the big one. Steven doesn't seem to care because he's imagining her biting HIS big one. Met with silence, Jennifer thankfully struts off, undoubtedly to service serve the troops. Ryan tells her "At least you made an impact". I guess showing the bottom half of your 19-year-old ass can make an impact when it comes to Steven Tyler.

It's 12 noon, but judging by the footage they're showing of the cattle call outside, it appears to be around 7AM. Meanwhile, enter Ashley Robles. Ashley is a single mom/account manager/DJ/plant. She brings her 5-year-old daughter to make sure she gets on the show. Ashley tells the judges that her daughter's favorite song is "On The Floor" by J Lo, which even J Lo isn't having as anything but ass kissing. Then, she sings "I Will Always Love You", and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Not that she sucks (she doesn't), but Whitney is so twenty years ago. Unless you're willing to bring Crack Whitney to the table, I'm not interested, unlike the judges. Sorry, Ashley. I'm sure you'll make the finals, though...until the linebacker women I mentioned earlier in this post vote you out in favor of a guy who is ugly, gay, Christian, or any combination of the three. (did I just describe Colton Dixon?)

Jayrah Gibson doesn't have a B-plan. Why not? Because that will take away from his dream, which will in turn take away from his dream being crushed. He walks in and starts singing. For some reason, he's doing a style which I call "Take helium and sing through your nose-style." The judges judge in a style which I call, "We're fuckin' high so that sounded good-style". Somehow the judges lick it up, and Jayrah's headed for Hollywood. Judging by his hyperactivity, he may just run there from San Diego.

Aubrey Dieckmeyer (pronounced Deckmeyer) wants to be a singer on America's Next Top Model. She means American Idol, but she keeps calling it America's Next Top Model. She does it in a very self-aware way and not in a completely idiotic way, so I like her so far. Despite already having celebrated her 20th birthday, Steven still finds her attractive and the two of them flirt for a while. She sings "Feeling Good", which she thinks is a Michael Bublé original. Honey, please look up Nina Simone. You'll thank me later. Anyway, she doesn't try to belt it out, instead being sweet and subtle - something few female AI contestants would know if it bit them in the asses. She makes it to Hollywood, but not the Top 24, likely because they didn't want her to take away from the stable of IBWs they chose instead.

Ali Shields was discovered on the Ellen DeGeneres show, who sent her to the 2010 AMAs to interview celebrities. She says she's 19 and never been kissed, something Steven would probably love to change. Despite this plantiness, Ally decides she's going to rap instead, so instantly I love her. She gets down and starts booty-popping on request. Then she gets all giggly and shy, and sings for real. Nooooo! Start rapping again! You're the only thing making this show even slightly interesting right now. But hey, at least she sounds all right. She gets her golden ticket, and she's off to Hollywood. Like Aubrey, she's not in the Top 24 because she's not blonde. Whatever, she's a plant anyway.

Kyle Crews is in a fraternity and looks like a pudgy, ginger, homeless version of Greg Brady. He sings "Angel Of Mine" by Monica and I expect him to either sound horrid, or good but completely VFTW. Instead, he's a really good singer with a clear voice and a boring song choice. Steven says he's the best male voice they've heard yet. The judges are already talking about a Johnny Bravo (Brady Bunch, not cartoon)-style transition with him, and I think a frau herd just formed and is stampeding Kyle's way. Good luck with that, Kyle! If I were you, I'd start looking for a place to store all those size XXXXXXXL juicy panties that are about to get mailed from your most hardcore fans to you. Those things take up a lot of space.

We're back, and it seems that the geniuses that chose an aircraft carrier as a filming site didn't take into account that would be a LOT of noise. Did you know that big ships have loud horns? And did you also know that the USS Midway is a mile from a Naval Air Station and from San Diego International Airport? Well, they didn't, and I think that's a clear sign of the fail that Season 11 is bound to be.

Jim Carrey's daughter is up next. We learn that even before we learn her first name. She's on AI to carve her own niche in the world. J Lo remembers her from In Living Color and asks if she remembers her back. JCD reminds J Lo that she would have been two at the time. HA! OK, I like her now (oh, we finally learn that her name is Jane). She sings "Something To Talk About", and I admit she's talented, but in kind of a boring away that even the judges saw. Anyway, she's off to Hollywood, and it must have been worth being shuttled ahead of the cattle call waiting in that long line for.

They seem to be showing a disproportionally high amount of women getting golden tickets, to the point where there's a montage of women getting through to Hollywood. Oh, American Idol. You can try and try to tilt the scales in favor of a female winner, but it's just not going to happen. You may as well just make it a males-only competition at this point.

Speaking of males, Wolf Hamlin and his git-fiddle are up next in the pimp spot. Wolf looks a lot like those linebacker women who love the show, only Wolf has a thicker beard, a penis, slightly more body hair, and better tattoos. Wolf seems like this kinda cool, gearhead-rockabilly-ish sort of dude. I'm wondering why he would try out for a show like this, and then we find out that his dad passed away a couple of years ago. Now I'm starting to wonder if having a death in the family simply compels all musicians to try out for AI, like some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder. He sings "Midnight Speshow Special", and his voice has sort of a 70s country/rock singer feel to it. Then he sings "Folsom Prison Blues", and I have to say I really like Wolf. Seriously, why American Idol? Anyway, he easily sails through, and officially becomes frau bait.

Well, we're done, and I just realized that this show is more boring than usual because the bad auditioners are getting about one minute of airtime per hour instead of the usual 35. Maybe just a little bit more - five to seven minutes- of the bad auditioners need to be shown in order to make the eventual Top 24 look and sound a little better. We'll be back Wednesday when the show gets Rocky Mountain high in Aspen. Remember, American Idol...I said five to seven minutes per hour. Not five to seven weeks.

Did your favorite make it to the Top 24? Check it out.