Aspen Auditions: Rocky Mountain Suck

Tonight, American Idol took us to Aspen, Colorado, which in my opinion is one of the most self-indulgent choices yet when it comes to audition cities. Aspen is a playground for A-List celebrities and other wealthy types, and accommodations are not cheap. For a lot of contestants, it probably meant having to fly into Denver and renting a car to get to Aspen. For the judges and high-level producers, it probably meant scoping out some vacation houses to snatch up. For us, it means another hour of hoping to find America's next great star, only to find a few flickering 25-watt lightbulbs hanging over a filthy sink in a tenement...with two wonderfully VFTW exceptions. Unfortunately, we have to suffer for 45 minutes before getting to that.

As we wait for these dim bulbs, we see the judges frolicing in the snow. It appears to be early autumn, and Steven is marveling in the fall colors. Well, he's marveling in some colors, but it may be whatever colors are dancing in front of his eyes at the moment.

Our first contestant is the overly energetic Jenni Schick. Jenni is in love with Steven Tyler to the point where he's on a list of people her boyfriend will allow her to kiss. Jenni has Lady Gaga and Adam Levine on that list, both good choices, but with Steven on the list, maybe she has a fetish for people who look like they're melting. Ryan is also on that list, but he already has a beard girlfriend. Jenni sings "Heartbreaker", but I won't remember that because Jenni looks like half the girls who have auditioned this year. She both makes it to Hollywood and gets to kiss Steven, where she's bound to be lost in a sea of blonde.

We're back, and some stoned-looking dude is recording himself being really tired. And that someone is Curtis Gray. He sang in church as a kid (enter frauen), and moved on to a band that makes me think of the freecreditreport.com band. He sings "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday" by Boyz II Men, and the judges lick it up. J Lo wants to jump his bones, so all the other forty (and fifty, sixty, etc.)-something women should instantly follow suit.

And now we have Scotty McCreery Richie Law. Oh, Richie. You're about a year too late. Then we have a quick audition by Devan Jones. Mathenee Treco sings "Hey Jude" along with some very VFTW interpretive dancing. Then we see all three get their golden tickets. Then we probably don't see them anymore. Although I wouldn't mind seing Mathenee dance in Hollywood some more.

We're 1/4 of the way through, and I suddenly realize that I'm incredibly bored. Tealana and Stevielle Hedgespeth are sisters. Talaina is the only one auditioning, but we have to suffer through all this cutesy sister shit. Apparently Stevielle is the more talented sister, so it makes perfect sense that Taliana would be the one auditioning. She sings "Bring Me Some Water" by Melissa Etheredge. J Lo says "Niiiiice" at the song choice, as if she's ever heard the song before. Tealana proceeds to make an ass of herself, but for some reason they let her keep singing. Meanwhile, I'm writing a new song called "Bring Me Some Hemlock". The judges are nice, but they reject her. BORING. Dammit. This whole episode is boring so far.

Haley Smith lives in a log cabin in the woods, just like the Unabomber did. She works in the meat department of a grocery store, so Ryan goes right to asking her about sausages. These jokes just write themselves, don't they? She sings "Tell Me Something Good" by Rufus and Chaka Khan. Turns out that this shy little hippie girl has a very sweet, soulful voice, and would probably be a really interesting contestant. Of course, I know how it turns out in the end (spoiler), so finish this paragraph your own way.

Now we're halfway through. Has it really been only half an hour? I should have watched the Aspen auditions Rocky Mountain high. It would have been a lot more fun. Oh, well. Up next is another blonde chick. Should I even bother naming names at this point? Alanna Snare works at a bar that sells Rocky Mountain Oysters, which are bull testes. We don't see Ryan asking her for directions to this establishment, which is shocking, to say the least. Alanna sings "Jolene", and it sucks the very Rocky Mountain Oysters she sells. While it's possible that Steven wants her to eat HIS oysters, she's flatly rejected.

Up next is Shelby Tweten with a sob story. Shelby is bipolar, but she's on her meds. I'm glad she's OK now, but prepare to hear more and more of this for as long as she's on the show, and rapidly feel less sorry for her. Can you guess whether or not she gets the golden ticket? Blonde, sob story, and she's OMG 17!!!! What do you think?

Now we have a montage of shitty singers, but the kind of shitty singers who DON'T make it to Hollywood. Moving on...Jairon Jackson is wearing an undershirt, and he wrote his own audition song. It's called "So Hard", and it's a good effort, but I continue to be bored. In American Idol World, boring = good, so Jairon's going to Hollywood.

And suddenly, the tide turns in VFTW's favor. Purple-haired Lady Gaga fan Angie Zeiderman is 25, a waitress, and awesomely entertaining. She says it's time for a vintage glitter queen to be on American Idol, so I guess she hasn't heard of Adam Lambert. Lucky bitch. Anyway, Angie sings what I'm guessing to be a fun Broadway song about flaunting it if you've got it, the 'it' apparently being tits and ass. She dances and writhes on the floor, and into my heart. I say cancel American Idol and replace it with The Angie Zeiderman Quirky Variety Hour. She's so good at being awesome that even the judges see it. I hope to see more of Awesome Angie in Hollywood. Thanks for getting me through 5 minutes of this show, Angie!

As the show comes to a close, we imagine what would happen if Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, and Russell Brand got together and made an unholy devil butt baby. Magic Cyclops looks just like this, and has a fake British accent. I'm thinking, "This could be either really amazing or really horrible." Magic is obviously doing this as a goof, so I'm liking him so far. Randy asks Magic how old he is, and he tells Randy that it's not polite to ask a lady her age. Okay, now I love him. He makes the judges choose his song, between "Cracklin' Rosie" and "Margaritaville". He does a hard rock version of both songs, and now he has me hook, line, and sinker. See, when FOX cancels AI and replaces it with The Angie Zeiderman Quirky Variety Hour, Magic Cyclops needs to be a permanent part of the cast. He can be like her Paul Schaffer, or something. A hard rock, funny Paul Schaffer.

Well, this show was 25% good and 75% crappy, which makes Aspen not the worst audition show ever. The fact that the show was only an hour was also a plus. I'll be back tomorrow to recrap the Galveston auditions. Texas always gives us great train wreck contestants, so I'm looking forward to it. See you then! Or not. Seriously, life won't end.