Galveston Auditions: Idol, We Have A Problem

Tonight, American Idol goes to Galveston, Texas, the fifth out of eight (oy) audition shows. We get an intro from some guy up in the International Space Station. He's smiling because he's 250 miles above the Earth and out of smelling range of the crapfest below. Then, instead of a fun hour in space, we plunge back to the depths of American Idol hell. We are then reminded that Texas is the home of Season 1 winner Kelly Clarkson. We're also reminded that this show is unlikely to ever shit out anyone that successful again.

Phong Vu is first, and he's a self-proclaimed SUPASTAH! It means a lot to him, to the point where it brings him to tears just talking about it. But Phong, you're Asian-American, and American Idol aims to make you look like crap. It sucks and it's wrong, but the show is just like that. Phong is very likeable, but he's getting the crazy edit. He sings "Unbreak My Heart", and, he can't sing...but he does show us his 'iconic moves', which were a lot like Nomi Malone crossing her arms in Showgirls. After some more tears, Phong promises to be back. Good luck with that.

Now we have a bunch of quickie train wreck auditions, including an unnamed guy who sings Scotty McCreery's babylockthemdoors song...badly. This guy is exactly like "Scotyt", only with (more) head injuries. Then we get another guy who does the exact same thing. Whatever.

Skylar Laine is 17, and she loves deer killin', off roadin', and pitchin' her family restaurant/grocery store/hole in the wall. To say that Skylar is kind of a redneck is like saying that a Brontosaurus is kind of tall. Skylar wants to make it in the music biz so that Meemaw and Pawpaw can keep their little greasy spoon. If she wins American Idol, she might be able to keep it afloat for over 18 months! Skylar sings "Hell On Heels". She has a good country voice, which means she's not going to win. As if American Idol would have two country winners in a row. As if a girl could win this competition since 2007. But she IS going to Hollywood, so we'll see when Little Miss Animal Murderer gets back to killing deer for sport.

Now we're up to Baylie Brown. Baylie was the girl from Season 6 who was in Antonella Barba and Amanda Coluccio's group. The Jersey Girls of AI threw Baylie under the bus, because in Amanda's words, "God likes good people". It was the start of a beautiful love affair between VFTW and Antonella, so I'm glad to have any reminder of that around. She says she's moved on from that, and predictably sings some country song I don't recognize. And predictably, the judges love her. Blonde + Boring = Season 11, so welcome to Hollywood, Baylie.

Kristine Osorio is 28, so this is her last chance at American Idol. Kristine sort of reminds me of Jane Wiedlin from the Go-Gos, so I like her so far. She's also one of the few adults who seem to be on the show lately, so an air of sanity suddenly fills the room. Oh wait, here comes the sob story, this one being an out-of-work, divorced single mom. She got a loan which was supposedly to pay her divorce lawyer, but instead bought a plane ticket to try out for AI, as any responsible out-of-work single mother would do. OK, I no longer like her, even though she's a pretty fantastic singer. The AI treatment has tainted this entire moment. She's on her way to Hollywood, if she isn't picked up for fraud first.

We're back, and Jennifer is being a diva. She can't agree with any of Randy and Steven's decisions. Randy and Steven keep sending away singers she likes, and giving golden tickets to singers she hates. She won't let it go, either. HA! I'd love to be a fly on the wall when the cameras stop rolling. "WHAT? OH NO YOU DI'INT!"

Yeah, I imagine it's something like that, up above.

Alejandro Cazares hates taking orders. Alejandro believes that instead of following producer orders all day, he should be singing in front of the judges. Why? Because he's the REVOLUTION. What kind of revolution? A revolution where the underdog wins AI, Lady Gaga is a success, and Barack Obama is elected President. Did you know that it was 2008? Me neither. Did you know that an underdog won American Idol? We call them "the last three WGWGs we voted for". Alejandro sings "Looking Up" by Paramore, and shockingly, at first it appears that he can almost sing. Then it descends into "not almost". He then tries to appeal to J Lo by asking to sing in Spanish, but that backfires louder than a Dorito fart. It looks like the Alejandro Revolution will have to wait until 2009 2013.

Next up is Cortez Shaw. Cortez loves singing, famewhoring, and talking about his rough childhood. At this point, I'm so over the sob stories, that all I hear is blah blah homeless blah blah made fun of in school blah blah realizing my dreams blah blah blah. Cortez sings "Someone Like You" by Adele, and he sounds oddly like a cross between a country singer and an R&B singer. Sobstorio isn't too bad, and he gets a golden ticket, but he reminds me of Season 9 famewhore/scam artist/petty thief Todrick Hall, so what the fuck ever. Blah blah blah.

And in the pimp spot, after another Shitty Audition Montage, we have a Very Special American Idol Audition. Jebus help us all, not that any diety would go near this show. Speaking of Jebus, Ramiro Garcia is a worship leader at a church. He's butt ugly as well, so the frauen should be falling in line already. Ramiro was born without ears. Cue the violins. Anyway, long story short, he has ears now. He thanks his faith but fails to thank science, and then sings Amazing Grace. The judges say, "Bitch please!" and "We've seen this bullshit a thousand times before. Please go fuck off and die, you phony sanctimonius twat waffle!" JUST KIDDING!!! Really, did you think this would end in anything other than a golden ticket and crocodile tears? Me neither.

Now we are 62.5% of the way through the audition rounds of Season 11. I'm not going to think about the fact that there are three hours of auditions left. I'm going to think of how two weeks from now, the first Hollywood episode will air. Lurve. But before that, I'll be back Wednesday to recrap the Portland auditions. Goodnight for now!