We're off to Portland, where we're bound to find many miserably depressed contestants who smoke way too much pot. Thanks to the wonder of technology, we can see the contestants ditching school and work and getting ready in their mother's basement for their one big shot of making something of their otherwise lost life. People like Brittany Zika, or is it Britney, or Britnee, I can't keep up any more. Britney once held up a huge obnoxious sign at a Sara Barrels concert and got to sing with her on stage, proving she has the attention-whorishness needed to do well on this show. And boy does she ever as Britney will do anything for attention, whether it's falling all over the place, dressing like a doofus or just acting like a jackass in general. Britney transforms into semi-normal mode to sing and Randy's surprised she doesn't sound like she looks, which is a good thing as Britnay looks like ass.
For some reason they show us a flashback to Seattle Auditions a few years ago, Idol's golden days when Simon made fun of mentally challenged people for looking like Bush Babies. Cable Boy Ben Purdom is up next and he has a nasty cold, and he looks like he has about another thousand maladies as well. As a heterosexual male, I don't have Gaydar so I can only wonder if this guy is gay or not. And then I stop wondering as he does Lady Gaga. Ben's lame and not very good, although Tim Urban wasn't really much better. But he has a good sense of humor as he made this video for us.
Get ready for about 500 pounds of Milk Chocolate Crunch as Jermaine Jones is up. Jermaine sings in a church and is the size of one, standing 6'8''. Jermaine's singng Superstar but he ain't one as his voice is ridiculously low. He's also ridiculusly nervous and has enough sweat pouring out to irrigate the entire state of California.
It's Day 2 and J-Lo is late...again. She says she couldn't find her special tights, the ones that keep her ass from looking the size of the Titanic. Britnee Kellogg is next, or is it Britney. Ugh. Anyway, we see her dragging the kids out of the car, ready to fully exploit them for sympathy to America. She gives a sob story of how her ex held her back and cheated on her but bitch's story is about three months too late as Stacy Francis played this card on X Factor last Fall, although Stacy has so many exes that maybe it's the same guy. And I'm going to call Britnay and the show out on this as her pathetic sob story and pimping of her kids made me hate her before I ever heard her sing a note, which is too bad because this is an audition I otherwise would've found interesting.
Next up is uber-attention whore Sam Gershman. She tells us she's Jewish and if she keeps acting and singing like this, the type of people who watch this show might start disliking Jews, which would be a shame. Sam is screeching I'm a Woman!!! in what would be a more adapt audition for a Glee spinoff that takes place in a Special Ed school. Steven Tyler tells her she's too Broadway for Idol, and I think she's too Broadway for Broadway.
It's time to get ready for...David Weed! Thanks God for the cool name as the rest of Mega-Nerd David is decidedly uncool. David's doing Tom Sawyer by Rush and Randy's cracking up before he even starts, and so am I as I don't need to hear this to know it's going to be a complete disaster.
Idol has changed in many ways over the years (all for the worse) but here's one nice change as African Romeo Diahn is next. In the past, Idol would've given him some segment mocking him but now they just let him give his sob story like everyone else on this show. Romeo's from Liberia, which is Hell, and had to live in a refugee camp in Ghana. Pretty tough experience, although probably not as bad as the Idol audtiion process we've been told about over the years. Romeo's doing a Bob Marley song and is ok but not very VFTW, as opposed to his amazing posse that looks like Profesional Wrestling clowns!
Ben Harrison is next and what do you know, Von Smith and Reed Grimm have had a love baby! Ben's either a 28-year-old who has the all-time babyface or a 70-year-old who's had 6 facelifts. Ben's doing Queen's Somebody To Love and it's a good thing Freddie Mercury's not around as he'd give Ben a severe beating for doing what he did to his song.
Jessica Phillips gets the coveted final spot tonight. It's certainly not because of her singing so she must have a particularly pathetic sob story. And she does, as her boyfriend had a severe stroke last year. We see him doing speech therapy and he seems to be at about a Grade 2 level, which puts him ahead of James Durbin. But he better not heal too much or Jessica won't be able to exploit him on the show. While Jessica's sob story is ok, Chris Medina will up her one paralyzed girlfriend while Danny Gokey will up both of them one dead wife.
WTF is with this show. It's like a soap opera with all the sob stories, with about 2 minutes of singing thrown in.
Location: Thank God, it's over! WGWG5 FTW!
Location: new hampshire
Administrator
Location: In your head
