Hollywood Part 1: And...Down She Goes!

It's VFTW's favorite time of year as we're off to Hollywood where 309 of America's most desperate people will beg, cry, bitch, whine and stab each other in the back just to get on a karaoke show. Up first is Johnny Keyser, one of the better looking guys in this competition, and Heejun Hun, who is not. Heejun's imtimidated by how good looking all the guys are, but surely he hasn't met Adam Brock yet. Heejun's so nervous that he's flapping his arms so fast that he's about to make a humming sound. Heejun passes through to the next day and the arms start flapping again and this time he actually takes flight!

Over the years VFTW has learned that photos can be deceiving. Sometimes people look distorted or bizarre just because the camera caught them at an awkward time. VFTW always anxiously awaits seeing these type of people on actual TV so we can determine if this abnormality is an illusuion or in fact reality. Take for example Elise Testone, who looks like she's 45 in the photos we've seen of her. We finally get a much better look at her on TV and see that she doesn't look like she's 45 at all. In fact she looks closer to 60.

Baylie Brown is back and she's grown over the past 5 years...by about 30 pounds! Baylie crusies through to groups just like last time and is searching hard for group members who are not from New Jersey. Suicide Girl Hallie Day is bringing the energy of someone who's swallowed about 15 sleeping pills. Jen Hirsh seems to be imitating Katharine McPhee, down to the constant fidgeting and annoying personality. But if Jen wants to be like Katharine, she's going to have to prove she's a hideous actress, like McPhee did last Monday on Smash. Lauren Gray seems decent and normal, which makes her completely useless for this show.

We see a parade of failures who'd do well on a show that gives prizes for the best whiners and beggers. Steven Tyler yells that he wants the contestants to give much more, but he gets much less as Phillip Phillips is the same guy who's won the past four seasons of this show. Not only has Phillip never been on an airplane, he can't even spell airplane! Phillip is a bit vulnerable as he doesn't have his guitar, which is like Ron Jeremy without his penis.

We go from the incredibly bland to the incredibly insane as Reed Grimm is next! Reed is what you'd get if Taylor Hicks and Casey Abrams had a Super Meeting, a nuclear bomb went off under them, and the resulting fallout created a VFTW Super Baby that's scat and spaztastic and brings VFTW peace and love to the enitre Universe for the rest of eternity!!!

Travis Orlando failed at this point last season and has no Plan B as he fails again at the same point this season, which really screws him as his only prospect now is going back to the alley. While this show is infamous for having ugly male contestants, they do cut Romero Garcia and Wolf Hamlin, whom are too offensive looking even to be in a scat movie.

Speaking of scat, we finally get a good look at Adam Brock, who looks like Danny Gokey after being soaked for an hour in a cesspool. Adam believes he has a large Black woman trapped in his body, which is code for I'm a secret gay! Adam's performance is like Taylor Hicks after being run over by a steam roller.

We finally see if Jane Carrey got a gold ticket because she's a genuine talent or because Idol just wanted to pull a desperate publicity stunt by having Jim Carrey's daughter on. And it's the desperate ploy part as Jane sounds worse than when her father talks out of his ass.

We see more contestants begging, but nothing like the begging David Leathers is doing to get attention. David is desperately trying to prove he's a lady's man but it's unconvincing when he sings high notes that make Celine Dion jealous. We get a pedo flashback to Shannon Magrane's audition and Steven Tyler must be scaring Shannon based on her yelling and screeching when she's singing. Jessica Phillips is up and she better be careful as her husband who had a stroke is recovering to the point where she won't be able to exploit him for sympathy anymore.

Erika Van Pelt has a smart strategy; she must know she's a mediocre singer, so what she does is dress like a complete slob and then the judges are pleasantly surprised when her singing is totally hideous.

Creighton Fraker is next and him doing something by a group named Queen is as appropriate as Adam Lambert doing a song by a band called Laughing Stock Skin Problem. It's going to be decision time soon as VFTW will have to decide if Creighton's our pick while Idol has to figure out which category to put him in.

For those who've watched Idol in the past, you know there used to always be 4 screeching divas each season but this season all the show needs is Aaron Marcellus as he's bringing all the screeching and melisma of these four divas combined. Lauren Mink teaches blind adults but they're wishing they were deaf too so they couldn't hear her poor singing.

Next up is Jeremy Rosado, who works in an office for infectuous diseases. In an unrelated story, Jeremy's met past Idol contestants Gina Glocksen and Constantine Maroulis. And Jeremy's caught the obesity disease as he's one telephone toss at a babymomma away from being Scott Savol.

Last up is 16-year-old Symone Black, complete with overbearing Stage Dad. Symone sings nice enough and does fine. Then the judges start giving her feedback and she's feeling a..... little...... wobbly! She's wobbling away, starts stumbling and...down she goes for the count as Symone passes out and falls off the stage! Finally, some real entertainment!

Tonight's episode confirmed what we already knew, that this season is going to be made up of a bunch of bland talents. While the frau may be rubbing themselves with photos of Phillip Phillips and Adam Brock, VFTW is rubbing away too with thoughts of Reed Grimm, Creighton Fraker and Heejun Hun as we are just a few weeks away from making our pick, which is when the season really starts!