Hollywood Part 3: Everyone's Collapsing Almost As Fast As This Show's Ratings

After stretchering off all the collapsed contestants and cleaning all the puke off the floor from last week, we're back for group performances. First up are The Bettys and they're the total VFTW package, complete with bitching, whining, puking and horrendous singing too! They, like some other groups, are doing Hit Em Up Style and this choice is as predictably disastrous as it sounds. Jennifer Malsch is the biggest bitch in this group, and that's quite the accomplishment considering whom she's surrounded with. Cherie Tucker could be a superstar if she sang as well as she whines and makes excuses. The most interesting thing about Gabrielle Cavasa is that she puked, but who hasn't by now.

Next up is Groove Sauce, which should be renamed Spaz Sauce as it contains both Reed Grimm and Creighton Fraker! They sound great compared to the first group, which was more Shit Sauce than Groove Sauce. And Reed and Creighton are in a battle to see who's the Sauciest of the Saucers, and who's the winner is a matter of taste as to whether you prefer the spastic/mildly insane (Reed), or the spastic/completely insane (Creighton!). Jen Hirsh has a bit of a Katharine McPhee thing going on-pre the 30 pound weight loss. Aaron Marcellus' screeching and meilsma reminds me of the sad recent loss of Whitney Houston, who if she had seen Aaron this week would've screamed Shutup Bitch! Nick Boddington would be perfect if they ever do a re-make of Deliverance.

Next up is Brielle Von Hitler, err, Hugel and her amazing Stage mom! Too bad VFTW can't pick parents as Von Stage Mom is almost as proud of her daughter's singing as she is of her bitchiness. And Von Stage Mom is all too happy to throw Kyle Crews under the bus. She's the best stage parent we've seen in a while, but she'll have to be caught with prostitutes to surpass Dadchuleta. Joshua Ledet (sounds like Bidet) and Shannon Magrane survive the wrath of Von Stage Parent...for now.

Up next are The Make You Believers and they're making me believe this is the greatest trainwreck ever. Patient Zero Tent Girl has infected everyone within a 100 mile radius of Hollywood, and whatever disease she has seems to make the other members of her group forget their lyrics. Tent Girl is cut, and hopefully immediately quarantined. The judges want to cut all of them but decide to save the contestant with the stupidest name, and that would be Matheenee Trecko.

And Tent Girl seems to have left some of her bacteria on the stage as the next group is suffering a severe case of Verbal Amnesia! Chrystal Doffield and Jasmine Antoine can now share stroies of how they forgot their lyrics and sing like ass. Some contestants are being more resourceful when forgetting lyrics, replacing them with a series of Oo Ooos, Yea Yeahs or, even better, made up delusional lyrics for the most insane who refuse to quit!

Next up is the group with cop Alisha Bernhardt, who should be arrested for being a massive attention whore. And if people were arrested for forgetting lyrics and singing awfully, Christian Lopez would be on death row. And everyone in this group is on music's death row as even the audience is yawning.

Luck has fallen Hollywood's Five's way as they can fart for two minutes and still sound better than the group before them. This group features David Leathers and Eben Franckewitz, and if having insane stage parents is key to becoming succesful, David and Eben are well on their way. Jeremy Rosado is a good contestant for this show as he covers two demographics, the Latino one and the obese one as well.

Next up is the group with Imani Handy, who's walking around like she took a bunch of pills and just got out of a bath. Imani seems to be collapsing once for each member of her group as she goes down about 5 times! The other members of her group form a Jesus Circle, and Jesus resopnds by making Bryce Garcia forget his lyrics, Kristi Kraus screech like a drowning cat and Imani go down again! But while Jesus has those three, Satan's got Johnny Keyser as he keeps on singing well after Imani goes down!

It's finally time for the showdown we've been waiting for as the group with Heejun Han and Big Hick With No Name is up. Their battle is giving us a bit of an idea what it will be like if America and Iran go to war, and Heejun is America as he's owning this big hick's ass. After both get through, Heejun gives an apology to Big Hick that sounds as sincere as when Lindsay Lohan says she doesn't do drugs, culminated by Heejun refusing to shake Big Hick's hand! Heejun definitely has the VFTW attitude; too bad he sings like Michael Bolton after getting hit in the head with a baseball bat. And I'd like to borrow that bat for Phillip Phillips, who sings like he's trying to squeeze out a turd the size of Jeremy Rosado.

That's it for this round of groups and now they have to play with the Idol Band. They warm up with a jam it's not a good sign when you're in the same picture with Steven Tyler, like Adam Brock is, and Tyler isn't the scariest looking guy. The first solo performance goes to Joshua Ledet and his eyebrows almost distract from all the screeching and OTT melisma he's doing. Colton Dixon is playing piano and is basically David Cook with worse hair. Phillip Phillips is to WGWG what Jennifer Lopez is to Humongous Ass. I never thought the song What A Wonderful World could make me piss myself from laughing, but Creighton Fraker proves me wrong. 

There's thunder and lightning and one of those bolts is about to come from Reed Grimm's ass as he's told at the last minute he has to change his song. Shannon Magrane is before him and at about 6'5" and 100 pounds, she looks like a telephone pole, and has the persoanlity of one. Reed's working with the Idol voice coach and what do you know, it's Katharine McPhee's stage mom, the template of how stage mom's should be. Reed's all in bit of a panic and wants to speak to his mommy NOW! Reed's totally disoriented at this point and does what anybody in this situation would do: Play drums! The judges think they have another Casey Abrams, except Reed isn't shitting every 30 seconds.

Skylar Laine is up and I have some exclusive reactions from past Idols to Skylar's performance...

#chrisrichardson said: stop singing so nasally

#kelliepickler said: gee, skylar's such a hick!

#laurenalaina: skylar's a porker

Rachelle Lamb exploited her daughter to pass her audition but is a goner now as she can't drag her kid on stage at this point, and it's probably a good thing as I wouldn't want any kid see their parent make an ass of themselves and forget all the lyrics like Rachelle did.

Do you ever feel like you need to throw up but it gets stuck in your throat and you can't get it out and you need one final push to get it all out? If you do, check Adam Brock, who calls himself White Chocolate. But Adam's more Dark Chocolate to me, like a big pile of crap.

The contestants are divided into four rooms, and the judges tell three of the rooms they're safe, but throw incendiery bombs into the fourth as it's over for these wannabes. We see we're off to Las Vegas tomorrow night, and the mob bosses who run Vegas better watch out as Heejun Han's coming to town!