Hollywood Part 3: Puke-A-Rama Part Deux

When we left American Idol last week, we were mired in group drama. Not the awesome kind of group drama brought in earlier seasons by the likes of Brenna Gethers, The Brittenums, and the Jersey Girls. No one calling the judges gay or incompetent. But at least we have Heejun Han about to kill a cowboy. Let's see how that went.

It's the morning of group rounds, and everyone is tired and nervous. Fantastic! I'm ready for the train wrecks. The Betties are up first, after being up all night fighting, crying, and puking. Their version of Hit 'Em Up Style is one of the most fabulously bad performances ever in a Hollywood round. The harmonies were off. The dancing was off. Everything was off. If only VFTW could vote in the Hollywood rounds. It turns out that two of them make it, but not Brianna. Boooo! Sherrie Tucker marks being eliminated by puking. Then we're treated to more crying before the next group is up.

A group called "Groove Sauce" including Nick Boddington, Reed Grimm, Creighton Fraker, Jen Hirsh and Aaron Marcellus is up. These guys have been megapimped, so you know they're going to do well. They sing "Hold On, I'm Comin'", featuring wonderfully spazzy dancing by Reed and Creighton. Love. It's a good performance altogether, and not boring. The judges like them even though they were entertaining, and all five are through to the next round.

We're back, and Ryan says that Steven is playing cheerleader, but I think he meant that Steven is playing with cheerleaders. Next up is 6-7-9, incuding Brielle Von Hugel and her mother, Stagemom. Brielle was in Pia Toscano's group last year, so she's hoping she lucks out again. This group also has chosen "Hit 'Em Up Style", and Brielle sings about going on a "shopping spre-ah". Maybe Brielle and Stagemom are trying for our votes? Probably not with all the awesome VFTW males in the Top 24 this year, but stranger things have happened. Also noteworthy of this group is Joshua Ledet, who I have to admit can SANG. He does have potential to be over the top, so we'll see there, too. Everyone but frat boy Kyle Crews moves on to the next round.

Now the group with sad sack Amy "Tent Girl" Brumfield is up. Gee, not only do I think Amy is really going to get it together and deliver, but she will win and sell more records than Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson combined. Just kidding! Amy and Jackie were sick last night, and today they're feeling OK...oh wait, Jackie just collapsed and is out! The rest of the group blames Amy as Jackie tries to get well enough to rejoin the group. What is their name, The Train Wrecks? The Shlamazels? (look it up) They sing "More Than A Feeling"...I think. Dustin forgets the lyrics, while the rest of the group forgets how to sing. Jackie is told to step forward, and she's happy. Then they tell Amy to step forward, and Jackie realizes her fate and looks like she's ready to collapse again. In the end, only Mathenee (the one semi-together member of the group) makes it to the next round, while the Center For Disease Control breathes a sigh of relief.

I can't believe we're only a quarter of the way in. It's a good thing I'm semi-drunk with two beers left in the fridge. We see more train wreck groups who miss the lyrics and sound terrible. Then we're shown the group with the control freak cop Alisha. They're sure they're all going to make it. They sing VFTW worst song alumni Stuck Like Glue by Sugarland, and they were just okay. They're all cut despite the fact that worse singers made it through earlier. Alisha offers the judges her personal security services, but they're all "Bitch, please. Get off the stage", and that's the end of the road for Alisha. Oh well, at least she has a job.

Now it's time for Area 451 to go on. It's full of cannon fodder, so I don't really care, but here they are anyhow. They're almost ready to go on until Imani passes out on the spot. Meanwhile, The Hollywood Five, including David Leathers, Jeremy Rosado, and Eben Fraubaitewicz. They sing "Mercy" as their stage mothers watch on with dollar signs in their eyes. They're one of the best groups so far, and they sail through.

We're back to Area 451, and they've been practicing as a trio, but Imani wants to rejoin the group as she passes out for a second time. Determined to go on, this delusionoid decides she wants to go onstage and fail. Their version of....of...well, I don't know what they're singing because it's so horrible. Suddenly, they sorta-kinda get it together. Oh wait...no, it's gone. Imani is actually not the worst part of the group, and manages to belt out a good note or two before she faints again. Johnny makes an ass out of himself as he still is trying to sing before we cut to a commercial. When we come back, Imani is still alive and is escorted offstage to the sounds of polite applause. In the end, only Johnny Keyser makes it to the next round.

Now we're up to M.I.T. a/k/a Team Awesome. It's Team Awesome because Heejun is part of the group. If you remember, everyone in M.I.T. hates each other, especially Heejun's hate for Cowboy Richie Law. Richie claims that he's tried to make the group a democracy as the others silently wish for him to die in a fire. Then, as they're about to go on, Richie asks for some time alone in front of the camera, making the others hate him even more. Richie is just spouting off some nonsensical drivel and being a dick. He claims that one person is going down, and since he probably thinks that person is Heejun, he's now dead to me. The group finally goes on, and turns out they're all pretty good except for Richie, who sounds like Kermit the Frog on Whitney Houston's leftover Xanax. Despite this, Richie and the entire team make it through. Yay, Heejun! Heejun warns Richie that he's talked a lot of shit to Richie, who forgives him. Awwww. I'm gonna puke like a Hollywood contestant, but Yay Heejun!

It's a new day, and of course, J Lo isn't ready yet, so Steven jams with the AI band. I think he's trying to sing "Walk This Way", and in pure Season 11 Hollywood Week form, forgets the lyrics and begins scatting. Then, attention whore Adam "Brokey" Brock sings with him while Randy plays bass, and J Lo is somewhere, most likely having a diva fit and making her staff miserable. There are 98 contestants left, and they are each about to sing solo without feedback from the judges.

First up is Joshua Ledet, who we saw earlier. Joshua almost didn't come to Hollywood, but his sister talked him into going to see his dreams crushed realized. I'm going to take my snark hat off for a second and say honestly that I really like this guy in a non-VFTW way. He needs a little polishing, but with that he could be one of the few Black male finalists to grace the AI stage in a while. In other words, he may not be cannon fodder.

Now Colton Dixon is singing, and old ladies everywhere are spontaneously splooging. Colton has butched it up noticeably since last year, dropping his lisp and lowering his voice an octave or two. This will definitely cement the "See? He's NOT gay!" rhetoric from his delusional fans, who are now sure to become even more delusional after this segment. Then we see probable Season 11 winner Phillip Phillips, whose growl-singing I'm rapidly tiring of. I could say "At least he's cute with a sexy accent" for now, but within a few weeks the frauen will ruin that for me by writing terrible, badly-written pornography about him. Happens to them every year. So I'm not getting attached.

Jen Hirsh is up, singing a slow, jazzy, and very soulful version of Georgia On My Mind. Jen was in a fun group and is supposedly friends with Powerfox and Ponymane, so I like her. Creighton Fraker sings with wild, wonderfully VFTW vocal acrobatics and is pretty awesome overall. Hey, maybe this show won't be so bad. Oh wait...now he have a montage of people who forgot the lyrics. Sheesh.

And suddenly we're back to the awesomeness that is Reed Grimm. Reed was going to sing an a capella number, only to be informed half an hour before he goes on that he has to prepare a song with the band. Reed starts freaking out because he has 30 minutes to do this, and possibly because his vocal coach is Katharine McPhee's mom. Meanwhile, Shannon Magrane is singing, and Ryan is making bad baseball jokes in honor of her ballplaying dad. She gives a performance of What A Wonderful World that will likely cement her place in the Top 13. Did you know that she's OMG 16???? Well, I'm sure Randy will remind us of that at least 832 times this season.

We're back to Reed and MamaPee, and with 11 minutes to go, he calls his family for advice, but for the most part just cries. After 'taking a moment to himself' (to rub one out?) he's as ready as he'll ever be. He sits at the drums and proceeds to be wonderfully VFTW. The judges state the obvious by comparing him to the sorta-great Casey Abrams. Reed really is a lot like Casey, but without the drooling bears and all the sharting. The judges cream, and Reed's drama is over for now.

It's animal murderer Skylar Laine's turn, and she's getting the pity edit. Skylar's been puking every ten minutes. As an animal lover, I kind of hope she's sick from all those deer she killed for no good reason coming back to haunt her in her dreams, but she probably just has the Tent Girl bug. She sings about not liking the taste of crow, but she probably likes killing crow anyway. The judges compare her to Reba McIntyre (stop that, I like Reba), but my friend who is sitting next to me is saying "Shania Twain already exists. Go home. Give this girl a fucking clay pigeon." This is better than anything I could have come up with at the time, so there you go. My friends are fabulous. Get jealous.

Rachelle Lamb is up next, and I don't like her because she was the one who brought her kid to her audition, and badmouthed the little girl's daddy on national TV in order to get on the show. However, Rachelle has taken a break from emotionally warping small children to compete in the Hollywood rounds. Rachelle takes to the stage and completely loses her shit. She pulls a Brooke White and starts the performance over. VFTW victory!

Now, Brokey is up, and calls himself "White Chocolate". Adam, that's not a large black woman inside of you, that's total gayness. It's OK, Adam, we love the gays, just come out and we'll respect you. Brokey sings Georgia On My Mind and continues to sing like a slightly less annoying Danny Gokey. Oh well. As far as I'm concerned, the verdict isn't totally in on what I think of Brokey. He could be another Danny Gokey, or he could be midseason VFTW gold. We'll see.

The singing is over for tonight, and that means the oh-so-predictable "Rooms" segment is coming up. The remaining 98 contestants are split up into three rooms as if we don't know which rooms are going to make it to the Vegas round. I don't even want to watch this part because it's so predictable with the fake psych-outs, so I'm going to watch this, and unless something interesting happens, this blogger is done for the night.

Okay, one interesting thing. In room 3, (the losers' room) Madison Shanley is losing her mind. She's upset because other people are in a good mood while she isn't. Rachelle Lamb suddenly gets into my good graces by making the most inhuman belching sound ever emitted by anyone, ever. Madison has a shit fit over it, and Rachelle verbally bitch-slaps Madison into submission. Dayum. Suddenly, I want Rachelle to be on the next season of Big Brother, another once-great-but-now-boring show sounding its death rattle.

And that's it. The other rooms all made it, ending a very predictable segment of a very predictable show. I feel a lot better about this show tonight. I don't know if it's because some strong personalities showed themselves tonight, or if it's because I'm a little drunk. Maybe I've discovered the secret to watching Season 11. Sweet.

See you tomorrow for the Vegas episode.