Top 7 Perform (Again): Souless Train

It's deja vu as our Top 7 are back to perform again. Everyone's doing two songs tonight, which means twice the screeching, twice the melisma and twice the Adele and Lady Gaga songs. And it also means twice the Jessica Sanchez pimping as we see a recap of her getting eliminated last week only to be saved by the judges that looks just as staged as it did the first time. You'll have to pardon Ryan if he's a little distracted tonight as he's dreaming about how he's going to re-decorate Dick Clark's office. Hollie's first doing an Adele song because she obviously hates me. For someone who barely performs (or can barely move for that matter) Adele's the most over-exposed singer ever. Jimmy Iovine knows Hollie's getting confused by all the instructions she's been getting so he tells her to stand here, sing like this, look there, lift this, bend that, and about a million other instructions just to confuse her some more. Hollie gets a 2/10 in terms of how much she's emoting, meaning the judges are in absolute shock that she's shown a million times more emotion tonight than she's shown during the entire season combined.

We see Colton's sister sitting in the audience with her usual scowl of discontent as she's the one who tried out and was supposed to be on this show. Colton's doing an emofied version of Gaga's Bad Romance and he must've been inspired by his Idol James Durbin's performance last week as this performance has screeching, flashing lights and hideous hair that would make Durbin drool. Steven Tyler says Jsdsfhkjk fdd sjshf fhsjs. Colton tells us he chose this song because he wanted to Expand his box (insert jokes here) but tells us his second song is going to be in his usual style, which is the cue to warm up the Emo Machine.

Jimmy tells Elise she seems to have a vacation home in the Bottom 3 and says she doesn't have a fanbase, but no female on this show has a fanbase, as witnessed by Jessica last week. Elise is doing an Alica Keys song but her wind fan is all Beyonce. She's wearing an orange dress that perfectly matches Ryan's skin. J-Lo says she has Goosies, and I'm about to give her Punchies. The judges point out that Elise needs to smile a bit as she looks more dreary than when Kurt Cobain was about to pull the trigger. Elise knows things are desperate so in a final attempt to gain sympathy, she pimps her dying dog.

VFTW's Golden Boy (or Grey Boy) is next. Jimmy tells Phillip to keep doing what he's doing, and Phillip says that'll be no problem because it's not like he's capable of doing something else. Phillip is ready to show Jimmy what he's got for tonight but first he must get his guitar, like a dominatrix must get their whip. Phillip's doing Usher's U Got It Bad and it sounds like Phillip's Got It Bad as his singing like he's getting a hernia.

Jessica's doing Falling and she may be falling off the show tomorrow as she can't be saved anymore. But if she's cut she should get into acting based on her Academy Award performance last week. The judges tell her she's the greatest, incredible, God-like really, and so forth. They can pimp her all they want as it's just a matter of time till Jessica's knocked off...again!

Ryan tells us our next performer is going to put a country twist on her song. Gee, I wonder who it could be? And what do you know, it's Skylar, putting a redneck twist on a Lady Gaga song only as Skylar can. She's doing Born This Way, the official anthem of coming out of the closet. And now my favorite part of every Skylar performance, when she holds up her stubby fingers to indicate her voting number, and this week I see six little piggies!

Last up for this round is Joshua, and Womantasia is doing Mantasia's coronation song. These two have become tied at the hip, making Joshua seem even more feminine, and Fantasia more masculine. As always, Joshua's jacket and way-too-tight pants get an A+ from VFTW, but he's going to have to bring a lot more screeching, yelling and overall freakiness to be like his Idol and make everyone go

It's time for Round 2 and the theme is Soul, which should be a real challenge as this is the biggest bunch of souless White Bread I've ever seen. Speaking of, Hollie's back and she gets a big surprise as she gets a message from her hometown soccer team Liverpoop. The lads tell Hollie Gjsnbzxj b hsis dfSWfsj, which Hollie deeply appreciates. Hollie's doing Son of a Preacher Man and she has barely enough energy to get through one ninety second performnace, nevermind two.

Colton's doing September and I'll admit my memory's getting a bit foggy but I don't remeber Earth, Wind and Fire being an emo act. Tyler thought the song choice was too safe. J-Lo ups him one, saying it was lame. And Randy can top them all by basically saying Colton's a big pussy.

I was curious who was doing Let's Get It On tonight and I'm relieved it's Elise as she's the only person on this show that has any hint of sexuality. And if Elise wasn't already hated enough by the uptight women who watch this show, her rubbing on a couch and squatting all over the stage while singing a song about getting laid should finish the job. The judges throw her under the bus and Elise is looking like a tiger ready to pounce. She seems to know this may be her last opportunity and finally shows some signs of life as she gives the judges and show massive sassback about having only 90 seconds to perform.

Phillip's back and oh no, he doesn't have his guitar!!! But that's ok as I'm getting to like his non-guitar performances as we get to see his horrible dancing and overall spaziness! Tyler thinks he's Awkwardly Brilliant, and may I say the same thing about us making him our pick!

Jessica's back. Well, it's actually BB Chez, you know, Jessica's alter ego, the one that sounds like Beyonce delivering her baby. Jessica's doing Tenderness and when she's eliminated again, she should try a little tenderness. And she should try a little more tenderness with her interpretation as this ridiculously over-the-top version sounds like an eight-year-old girl throwing a tantrum.

Time for the fiddlers to get back to work as Skyler's up. Skylar and her fans ain't too into that soul music so she cuntirfies Heard It Thru The Grapevine beyond anyone's worst nightmare. Skylar somehow looks twenty pounds lighter than her first performance as she's added an extra three layers of spanx between performances.

Last up for tonight is Joshua, who's going to screech for civil rights by doing A Change Is Gonna Come. But a change is never gonna come on this show as we're just a few weeks away from crowning WGWG winner #5!