It's Queen Week and if Freddie Mercury were alive to see how his former bandmates have sold out his image, he'd kill himself. There are 6 contestants left and we're told they're fighting it out to become Music Royalty, just like Lee DeWyze. We see Queen giving advice to the Idols, and the best advice they could give to them is to save their money so they don't have to lower themselves to this level when they get old. Tonight's first performance is a group one with our Idols joining Queen to do a Medley of their songs that Disneyland wouldn't have for being too cheesy. After the massacre is finished, Jessica goes first tonight. Just in case you didn't catch it the first ten million times we were told, she 16!1! She's doing Bohemian Rhapsody and Jessica has been cloned into three robots, and it's not easy differentiating the robots from the real thing. Trying to cram this epic song into a ninety second performance is like trying to swallow a large pizza in one bite, although Randy Jackson doesn't see what the problem would be with that. Steven tells Jessica that rock isn't your forte, which was a nice way of saying that sounded like Pebbles Flintstone singing Metallica. And we see why Jennifer Lopez is paid $10 million to judge singing as her advice to Jessica is to do more head shaking and running around the stage.
Skylar's next and we find out she writes songs, which surely deal with things your typical teen would write about, like dating, school, shooting animals with machine guns, stuff like that. Skylar's doing The Show Must Go On and if you've ever wondered if a Queen song would sound good with massive country twang, the answer is a resounding NO! Skylar's discovered a good trick for covering up the big notes she can't reach, and that's having about fifty background singers singing at the same time as her. Tyler talks about her voice being enhanced, basically saying the show uses autotune. J-Lo says she has goosies again, and I see why men keep leaving her. Randy says Dude, man, she wants it, finish line, dude.
If Ryan would get the hell out of the way, it's time for Joshua. But you'll have to pardon Ryan for staring as Joshua's wearing pants so tight even Colton couldn't fit into. And speaking of Colton, Joshua gets the standing ovation Colton never will for his performance of Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Randy says Joshua reminds him of Sam Cooke and Wilson Pickett, meaning Joshua would sell well if it were 1962.
Elise is doing I Want It All but all she really wants is to stay out of the bottom three again. She has a tambourine and the way she's flapping her arms around is making her look like an ostrich.
We're told Phil is going to put a twist on a Queen song, so get ready for contorted faces and sounds of great pain! He's doing Fat Bottomed Girls, which is about his fans he'll be meeting this summer on the Idol Tour. Our WGWG is missing one of his Gs but not to worry as a Phil guitarless performance just allows him to feature his spastic dancing and stage movement. Phil's still having a problem with kidney stones but based on his singing it sounds like he's passing one right now. Tyler talks about girls with huge asses, and paranoid J-Lo immediately assumes he's talking about her. Tyler loves to see Phil run out of breath and almost gives things a VFTW spin, like saying he's gloriously dreadful or hideously entertaining, which he surely is!
Last up in Round 1 is Hollie singing Save Me, which the judges can't do anymore as they wasted it on Jessica, leading to Colton's elimination last week. Hollie asked Queen how she could show more emotion but she's ignored their advice as this has the emotion of roadkill. Here comes the part where Hollie chats with Ryan and if you can make out more than 10% of what she's saying, you're probably a translator for The United Nations.
Time for Round 2, when the Idols do a song of their choice. Ryan tells us Jessica and Skylar are up first and one's doing a Soul song while the other's doing a country song, and jokes about guessing which one will be doing which. Maybe they'll surpise us, Ryan. And maybe the sun will rise in the west, the next Pope will be Jewish and Joshua will be seen holding hands with a woman. Jessica's first, doing Dance With My Father and she tells us her dad is soon going to be deployed to Singapore, and Jessica's soon going to be deployed to The Philippines as they'll buy a pile of crap if it were pinched out by a Pinoy. I have to say the first part of the song is very nice as Jessica is low-key, allowing her to show some emotion. But here comes PP Chaz for the second part and SCREECHING AND YELLING AND SCREAMING!!! The judges are a tad over-the-top with their comments when they say she's the greatest ever, like Mother Teresa and Jesus combined, but better.
Skylar's up and we have a new feature on this show with the Idols dishing the dirt on each other. I'm finally able to make out what Hollie says when she calls Skylar fat on national television. Skylar's bones are thick, but not as thick as her twang. It's hard to make out what she's singing other than Tattoo but I'm sure there are other words like Pickup Truck, Barbeque, Shotgun, and so forth. And if things don't work out with Phillip, Skylar could still bring this show a WGWG winner. Ryan asks Skylar if she has a tattoo and she tells us indeed she does: It's a tattoo for Jesus, who now wants all of Colton's fans to vote for her.
Joshua's next and the Idols tell us he's always screaming, but you'd always be screaming too if you wore pants that squeezed your balls tighter than a vice. And we see why Joshua and Hollie get along so well as they are both slobs. I'm not sure what song Joshua's singing but he says Ready For Love about 100 times so that may be the title. Nigel might want to ask J-Lo to keep her rambling comments under 15 minutes per contestant, please.
Elise is back, probably after puffing a huge joint. The Idols tell us she laughs after everything she says, like It's Wednesday teehee, or My coffee's cold, teehee, or My dog's gonna die, teehee, or I'm going to be in the Bottom Three again tomorrow night as I always am, teehee, and The judges hate me, teehee. And poor Elise doesn't get it as she's doing a Hendrix song that about three people watching this show will be familiar with.
It's time to find out what the Idols think of our pick, Phillip. They tell us he's strange, bizarre, makes ugly faces when he sings, sounds like he's in extreme pain, dances like a spaz and has a bizarre leg, in other words everything VFTW loves about him! And Phillip seems to have a nice little trick to get out of the cheesy commercials and crap the Idols have to do by playing out his kidney problem for all it's worth and in true VFTW fashion, tells all the Idol's he's feeling great when they return from a long day of shooting. Phillip has his guitar back and is doing a Dave Matthews song, which fits perfectly like Daughtry doing a Nickelback song. The judges hate this song choice and seem to be pushing our boy under the bus in a last desperate attempt to get anyone but a WGWG to win this show for the fifth year in a row. Ryan's trying hard to give a family image to ABC/Disney as he's plotting to replace Dick Clark so he's hired his beard Juliana Hough for an appearance.
Last up is Hollie and for some reason the Idols are saying she talks like a learning impaired child with a gerbil in their mouth. Phil says Hollie's weird, which is like Jennifer Lopez saying you have a huge ass. Hollie's doing The Climb and I suppose it's better than Miley Cyrus as my dog farting sounds better than Miley.
We end by Randy telling us not just to vote for our favorite but to vote for everyone else, and VFTW supports this advice as it splits the vote while we're 100% focused on Phillips as we're just a few weeks away from crowning WGWG5, and this one's more spastic than the previous four combined!