Top 5 Perform - Phil Being Phil

There are only 5 contestants remaining to battle it out to see who will be the next completely unmarketable American Idol. Tonight's first round is songs from The 60s, a time when most of this show's viewers were getting ready to retire. The judges come out and Steven Tyler is grabbing J-Lo's arm and she has a look like she's being held captive by Hannibal Lecter. This show can't even get a star to mentor anymore so they have to settle for a backup musician, Little Stevie Van Zandt, who ain't so little anymore. First up is Hollie doing River Deep, a song VFTW has developed an affinity for as it was the song that got Pia Toscani booted when the judges pushed her to do an uptempo! Little Stevie says this is one of the most exciting songs of all time, which is ironic as Hollie is one of the least exciting performers of all-time. Little Stevie tells Hollie she shouldn't think about all the crap Jimmy, the judges and everyone else has been telling her, which is again ironic because all Hollie does is get confused by the flood of conflicting advice she's been getting all season. Idol has hired a bunch of dancers for what I believe is the first time, completely conceding defeat to shows like X Factor and The Voice. Hollie's running around the audience and these bunch of dancers are following her like a cloud of dirt follows Pig Pen. And it's a miracle as Hollie is actually showing a pulse after being comatose for 4 months. All it took was a Tina Turner song, a dance troupe, 20 background singers yelling and a 200 piece band blaring loud enough to be heard on the moon.

VFTW's Man In Grey is up doing The Letter and, as always, he's going to give it his own Phillip Phillips spin. He's going to Philify it. It's going to be Philinated. He's going to put the song through the Philminator! All of which means he's just going to sing like he's passing one of his kidney stones and make faces of extreme pain. And in their boldest move yet in trying to avoid #WGWG5, Idol shows Phil's girlfriend, and she beter get ready for the hatemail from Phil's fan as she doesn't have warts on her face and weigh 200 pounds.

Skylar's next doing Fortunate Son. It's sort of interesting that Skyler of all people is doing an anti-war song. I guess she doesn't shoot people, just anything else that moves. Of course, Skyler's cuntrifying this song, including looking like a Longhorn tonight. And someone has hidden Skyler's ADD meds as Hyper Skylar is back, flailing and spazzing around like a deer after she shot it. She completely runs out of breath before she finishes the song but no one cares...it's country!

Time for our first pointless duet tonight as Phil and Joshua are doing You've Lost The Love and Feeling. Phillip knows this is a 10/10 on the homoerotic scale and is playing it up to the max by constantly trying to put his arm around Joshua, who looks like he'd rather be hanging with Charles Manson at the moment. Phillip has some of the all-time VFTW attitude as basically everything on this show is a joke to him.

Next is Jessica doing Proud Mary, something Colton surely would've fought for tonight had he not been eliminated 2 weeks ago! Little Stevie hates this song as he's heard it a million times, and it's now a million and one as Idol keeps pumping out the same shit year after year. Jessica is trying to be sexy, which is making her incredibly unsexy. And here come the dancers again as this is turning into a Dancing With The Stars Reults Show. Randy hated this song and said she pales next to Tina Turner. J-Lo says you can't compare Jessica to Tina, despite doing exactly that just a few seconds before when she made her comments.

Last up for Round 1 is Joshua and if VFTW had a fashion line, this guy's wardrobe is what it would look like. He's doing Ain't Too Proud To Beg and here come the dancers again or, as Blake Shelton calls them, male strippers. Joshua doing a song from the 60s works well as that's where he belongs. Steven Tyler says Joshua's one of the Top 2 Idols ever. Number 1 was Sanjaya.

Round 2 are songs from the VFTW capital of Europe, England, the country that brought us Jedward, Wagner and Cher Lloyd! And it also brought us Hollie, although she tried to leave her accent behind. Hollie showed signs of life in her first song but it was just a twitch dead bodies sometimes do as she's lifeless again on Bleeding Love. Tyler says he doesn't know this song, and I envy him. Randy tells us it's from his old friend Simon Cowell, reminding us Simon was once long, long ago invloved in things that weren't total flops.

Time to fade to grey as Phillip's back. He's doing Time Of The Season and says he's going to be sexy, and nothing's sexier than a guy making faces like he's pissing porcupines. There's psychedelic 60s lighting to appeal to his older fans (much older), and hideous falshitto to appeal to his VFTW fans.

Time for our girls to do their group number. Ryan says one of these girls could be our first female winner in five years, and maybe the next Pope will be a female too. None of these girls have much personality on their own and 3 x 0 still equals zero. They sort of look like a set of dolls being sold at discount because of defects.

Skylar is back right away doing You Don't Have To Say You Love Me. She's completely out of breath so we need a distraction; how 'bout a totally random couple sitting on a bench. Like I said before, this show is turning into Dancing With The Stars. Skylar seems a bit lost with all this staging, but not lost enough to forget to totally cuntrify this song as only she can. She could make a Snoop Dogg song sound like something you'd hear at The Grand Ole Opry. Hint hint, Skylar!

Jessica's back doing You Are So Beautiful. Little Stevie tells us Joe Cocker was never accused of being too pretty, and neither will Jessica. Jimmy and Stevie tell her not to be too loungey or muzak, but she's something even chessier: American Idol. Jessica's sitting on the stage a la Katharine McPhee and sounds ok when she's not screeching and yelling. And that lasts for about 20 seconds as PP Cheez just can't help herself.

Last up (thank God) is Joshua. He wants to do a Tom Jones song and I think that's a super great idea, especially with his super-tight pants. But Jimmy despises anything remotely VFTW so he makes Joshua do a song he's never heard in his life, The Bee Gees To Love Somebody. While he's not my style and way too dated for me, it's time to admit Joshua is by far the best performer on this show. It's not even close. But the viewers of this show aren't going to make Joshua the next winner. No, they're going to make the next winner a White Guy. And he's going to be With Guitar!