Note: Due to some traveling that I will be doing over the next couple of weeks, I've written a couple of fake recaps to tide you over until my return. After all, anything is probably an improvement over the real show, right? I'll be back to recap the actual show on May 16th. Until then, enjoy the following fiction.
Here we are at the Top 5, and it appears that American Idol has finally gotten its act together and made some radical changes to the show. First of all, the judges were fired; taking their places are Keith Richards, Courtney Love, and Kanye West. Then, Ryan announced that performance shows would be only one hour for the rest of the season! And last but not least, in light of Fingerbang's massive fail as the show's fashion coordinator, this week's fashion coordinator (and mentor) is Ke$ha! She's probably the most VFTW artist alive when it comes to fashion, so this ought to be amazing. And get this...our theme this week is "Popular YouTube Songs". VFTW victory!
First up tonight is Skylar, who is singing a countrified version of "Numa Numa". Ke$ha seems very excited over this song choice, and suggests more of a square-dance version of the song, with lots of fiddles, banjoes, and as much yodeling as possible. She tells Skylar how she was swimming in a Bucharest sewer one day and heard Numa Numa playing from outside a nearby manhole. Ever since then, she always wanted to hear a hillbilly hoedown version. And hillbilly hoedown is what Skylar does on stage, even replacing the second chorus with "Do-see-deeee! Do-see-doe!" Adding to the magic are several square-dancing couples, do-se-doeing behind Skylar. It's about time we got some real entertainment here! Keith blurted out, "What the bloody fuck was that fucking row?" while Courtney still seemed to think the song was on as all she could do was hum the chorus. Kanye said told Skylar that if he wasn't already dating Kim Kardashian, he'd want to "Numa Numa" her "Booma Booma". Already, these are the three best judges ever.
Hollie is next, and she's singing Rebecca Black's "Friday". She's nervous because she has to sing the entire song, and it has "a lot of words". She should be nervous because there's no possible way she can sing "Friday" without it sounding like a secret twin language. Ke$ha says that Friday is one of her favorite songs, because one Friday morning she woke up in an alley in a puddle of her own vomit. She looked up and saw a homeless man with leprosy peeing on a bunch of various dead rodents. She took those rodents and sewed them together to make a coat, and wore it every day for three years. Now, she's giving Dead Rodent Coat to Hollie so she can wear it on stage. I would have thought a roadkill coat would have been more fitting for Skylar, but oh well. Hollie's performance was almost as expected, until Kanye rushed the stage during the rap interlude...and then, when it was supposed to be over, Kanye just kept on doing his thing. Just like before, Keith blurted out, "What the bloody fuck was that fucking row?" while Courtney said "You remind me of me when I was, like, seven" before laughing like a hyena. Kanye, still on stage, kept asking Keith and Courtney why they keep interrupting him. This show is awesome!!!!
W'Tasia is up next, and he's singing Trololo. Did I say this show was awesome, or what? Ke$ha tells W'Tasia that he dresses too classy, and should find some smelly, wrinkled rags from the pay-per-pound bin at the local thrift shop, poop on them, and then wear the outfit for his performance. W'Tasia says he has something else up his sleeve...but what? We find out when he comes out in his usual suit, singing Trololo with the original arrangement. About twenty seconds in, though, his voice begins to get really high and screechy. He removes his suit to reveal a too-small pink bikini. Suddenly, he pulls at his face, off comes a mask, and OMG IT'S THE REAL MANTASIA - FANTASIA!!!! She takes off her shoes, begins to sweat profusely, and screeches the rest of Trololo to a wildly cheering audience while doing chicken dances!!! Again, Keith blurted out, "What the bloody fuck was that fucking row?", while Courtney is back to singing along to a soundtrack that just simply is not there. Kanye, with tears in his eyes, begs Mantasia to put some clothes on. I can't even stand how wonderful this show suddenly is. <333333
I can't do my usual "Jessica did nothing worth noting" this week, because she did lots worth noting. Her song choice is "The Bed Intruder Song" by Antoine Dodson and the Gregory Brothers. Ke$ha tells Jessica that it's a really intense song, and her advice is to "pour a bunch of glitter on yourself while you're sweating. Then, do some meth and don't bathe or sleep for the next three days. Then, perform your gacked out little butt off." Cracked out Jessica is sad, but far more interesting than Regular Jessica. She sounds like a tired, raspy Beyoncé, and it's what VFTW dreams are made of. The now ever-predictable Keith blurted out, "What the bloody fuck was that fucking row?" Courtney was NOT having it.
"FUCK YOU! Don't interrupt me! Rape isn't funny, you fucking cunt!"
"But it's not making fun of rape! It's about catching an attempted ra..."
"SHUT UP! I'll kick you in the pu..."
Courtney didn't get to finish her sentence because she started climbing over the table to get to Jessica, but instead she slipped and fell on her lip, bloodying her face. She began laughing like a hyena, and said, "Jemmala! I was just fuckin' with your head! You stupid bitch!" Kanye was laughing too hard at Courtney to say anything about Jemmala Jessica.
I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!!
In the pimp spot is none other than VFTW's Honey Badger, Phillip Phillips. Phillip is the honey badger because he just plain doesn't give a shit - and he wants the whole world to know about it. His original song choice was "Chocolate Rain", but Ke$ha got the wrong idea about what the song is about and asked Phillip to poop on her. After throwing up a little bit, Phillip switched to "Nyan Thornberry", Nigel Thornberry's cover of Nyan Cat, promising to leave his guitar and just give into the original arrangement. This turned out to be the most epic performance in the history of all performances. Backup singers were dressed as giant cats and dancing around Phillip as he kept screaming "BLARG!" into the mic over and over again. He ran up to the judges and screamed at them one by one as the judges screamed "BLARG!" right back to him. The judges then gave him a standing ovation. Keith said that he loved that fucking row, that it was the best fucking row he had ever heard. Courtney ran up to PP and tried to lick his face. Kanye rushed the stage and said, "I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish, but Kim Kardashian has the best ass in the whole world!" The camera then cut to Kim, displaying her ass and saying in a high-pitched monotone, "It made me millions!"
Now I am crying, but this time, it's tears of joy for a change. After all these years, American Idol finally got it right! I hope they keep it up, because if they do, I will never stop watching.