Note: This is the second of two fictional recaps that I've written, as I won't be able to recap the live shows until next week. I'll be back then my usual 'real' recaps. Until then, enjoy.
We're back after the best week that American Idol has ever had. You're probably wondering, "How? How could this show possibly get any better than it was last week?" Well, what if I told you that the theme this week is "Songs From The VFTW Worst Songs List"? What if I told you that rumors have been flying all week that the new judges might bail soon? And what if I told you that even though Joshua turned out to be Fantasia herself, the producers are allowing her to compete as Fantasia? I guess the show felt that a second Fantasia win is better than the vast majority of their first wins have been.
We start with Ryan introducing the Top 4. He asks Fantasia if she's going to compete any differently this year, and she said that since she already won once, that she was going to just have fun and try and be as controversial as possible. YES! This show is already getting off to an awesome start. Ryan then explains that Keith and Courtney have arrived, but Courtney was asleep. He announces that Kanye was not returning to the show because he felt that the contestants were taking away his airtime, so Jimmy Iovine is filling in as a last-minute replacement. Well...that not quite Kanye, but we'll see how it goes. Also disappointing is the fact that Ke$ha won't be joining as fashion coordinator this week, as they're still trying to wake her up.
We start off with a group number, Brokencyde's "Freaxxx". This has to go down in history as the best group number on television, ever. Hollie and Jessica are singing the melody through T-Pain microphones, while Phillip and Fantasia scream in their ears. It's also apparent that PP and Fantasia are competing to see who can make the most outlandish scream faces. I'm going to watch this over and over again. Thank you, Nigel, for making this show so wonderful! Keith starts to say something, then he just lets out a sigh, gets up from his chair, and walks off the set. Courtney, who was jolted awake at the beginning of the song, said that she liked the screaming. She must like Jimmy, then, because he screamed bloody murder about how awful the number was. He said that all four of them should be eliminated and that the show should end production for the season. Hey, at least the show would go out on a good note!
Jessica is singing her solo song, and it's "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne, but not before complaining that for some unknown reason, the producers refused to let her sing any more Beyonce songs. Ha ha! Her performance is hilariously bad, and gets even worse as Jessica tries to inject melisma where melisma does not belong. Courtney has fallen asleep again, and Jimmy stands by his earlier statement that this season needs to die.
It's duet time, and it's PP and Fantasia singing an acoustic version of Mr. Ghetto's "Wal-Mart". This is a work of pure genius. It is such an incredible joy to watch PP growl-sing his way through "She's buying Summer's Eve/She's buying Massengil/She keeps her body clean/she keeps her body clean" while Fantasia booty pops and does runs while wearing spandex short shorts. Courtney, still groggy, asks if she's on the SNL set and then asks for Lorne. Jimmy has a vein popping out on his right temple as he screams that he wishes HE was on the SNL set instead of here.
Hollie is next, and she's singing "Swagger Jagger" by Cher Lloyd. It's hilarious because Hollie sounds like a child as she scream-raps her way through the song. It's also a hilarious song choice, because Hollie has about as much swagger as a Hannah Montana video. Topping it all off is her awkward attempt at dancing back and forth across the stage. Courtney says nothing as she has gone back to sleep, and Jimmy tells her that not only should she be eliminated along with the others, but she should kill herself, or at least cut out her larynx. Ouch! Harsh, Jimmy! Maybe he's turning out to be an interesting judge, like Simon on steroids and meth.
Our VFTW hero of Season 11 is up! Tonight, Phillip is tackling "Wet The Bed" by Chris Brown ft. Ludacris. Yes, it's an acoustic version, and Phillip's Phrauen are wetting their La-Z-Boys as many of them think he is singing to them as individuals. Phillip definitely knows that his fan base consists mostly of worsters and half-crazy cougars who are into extreme fan pr0n. In other words, you can say that PP was wearing "50 Shades Of Grey" tonight. Courtney says that she can relate as she wets her bed all the time, but involuntarily. Jimmy says that nobody in Middle America is going to vote for PP after that, but PP doesn't need Middle America since he has us! And he's a WGWG!
It's time for our second duet, and Hollie and Jessica are singing Gwen Stefani's "Wind It Up". This consists mostly of more awkward dancing and each of them trying to out-yodel each other. This may wind up being known as one of the biggest musical messes in TV history. Courtney asks if she's having a bad trip, then runs off the set in a panic. Jimmy simply puts his face in his hands and begins to sob.
It's time for the pimp spot, and this week it's occupied by Fantasia. Since one of her own songs, "Baby Mama" is on the list, she felt that she may as well make that her song tonight. She comes out to the stage, and it appears that she is suddenly very, very pregnant. It only takes a few seconds for her to kick off her shoes and start trampling around the stage. The best part is saved for the end, when at the most glorious of glory notes, she doubles over and pushes a slime-covered animatronic baby out of her dress and begins to cuddle it. Jimmy, the only judge left, stands up, and says "I'm done!" He points to Fantasia and yells, "Fuck you...", points to Nigel and yells "Fuck you...", and then points to the camera and yells "And fuck YOU!" With that, he walks off the set. Ryan takes this opportunity to remind himself that he had just signed up for more seasons of this shit fest before all the changes were made, punctuating his comment with a sarcastic "Awesome!"
And that does it for this season's Top 4 - maybe forever. Sadly, we'll be back to the real show next week.