It's time for the Top 3 and we get to see our Idols' hometowns tonight so get ready for lots of overweight people dressed like slobs. Here come the judges and J-Lo's wearing a pants suit from the Hillary Clinton line. The Top 3 come out and Joshua and Jessica are dressed like they're going to the prom, but VFTW pick Phillip is dressed like he's going to clean a toilet. There are three rounds tonight and for the first one the judges are picking the song that best fits the performer, and they hit a homerun by giving Joshua something from a black screechy diva who was relevant 40 years ago. Joshua's singing Etta James' I'd Rather Go Blind but with all his over-the-top melisma, I think I'd Rather Go Deaf. Or, as Joshua's singing, I-I-I Ra-Ra-Ra-ther Go-Go B-B-B-B-BBBBB-BLIND!!!! And as it's Joshua, you can almost see the judges moving their chairs back in anticipation of giving him their mandatory standing ovation. But I'm not sure how much they're helping him by all celebrating how he's a throwback, something that could've been said about Taylor Hicks.
Jessica's next and the judges need an appropriate song for her but as no one's yet written a song called Self-Entitled Spoiled Brat, we'll have to settle for My All by Mariah Carey. Jessica's about the size of one of Mariah's thighs, and that's not the only way she doesn't measure up to Mariah; Jessica just doesn't have the range this song requires. And for those who didnt catch it the first million times he dropped her name on the show, Randy worked with Mariah. Steven Tyler decides to annoint Jessica the winner; too bad America voted her off the show almost two months ago.
Last up for this round is Phillip, so it's time to warm up the bus the judges will soon be running him over with. Steven Tyler has chosen Beggin by Madcon (or is it Madcon by Beggin?) because he wants Phillip to show he can sing a melody instead of grunting all the time. But Phillip gives a big F. You to that as he'll sing any melody he wants, even if it doesn't relate to the original in any way, shape or form! The crowd is going insane for Phil and would still be cheeiring for our pick if the judges would stop fucking cutting them off!
It's time for the Idols to go home and it's like watching a Beverly Hillbiliies marathon. Joshua's getting the star treatment in Louisiana and he says he feels like Obama, and he may be right as both may be history before the end of the year. We go to the local aquarium and see a giant walrus; oh no, it's just Joshua's dad. Joshua's chosen Imagine by John Lennon but his screeching is more Yoko Ono.
Time for Jessica to go home to San Diego and she tells us she was homeschooled and had no friends and, based on what we've seen, this self-entitled princess hasn't made any on the show either. Jessica arrives at the stadium where she months ago pretended to go through the same audition process as everyone else despite being escorted to the front of the line like all plants are. The entire Phillipines population of San Diego has turned out, the first break they've taken in 6 months from incessantly refreshing her youtube videos. Jessica has chosen to sing an Aerosmith song and she's a smart little cookie/manipulator as her first Mariah song panderd to Randy while this choice panders to Tyler; what's she going to sing for the third round, Jenny From The Block? And Tyler's so pleased about Jessica doing his song and the extra money it'll put in his pocket that he forgets to be more subtle when turning around to Nigel to see whether he should give this contestant the thumbs up or down.
We see Phil going home and he's making faces like he has an electric eel in his pants. We see someone holding a sign reminding Phillip he still owes him $10 and this guy is shit out of luck as Phillip isn't going to land up with anything for being on this infamously cheap show. We see that a restaurant has named a dish after Phil; too bad it looks like someone took a dump on a pile of fries. Phillip returns to the pawn shop where he worked (and probably will be again in about 12 months) and if you're thinking about stealing that stuffed turkey, you better think twice as Phillip's dad has a gun! Phillip has chosen to do Matchbox 20's Disease, an appropriate choice as Phillip seems to have about 20 diseases. This performance is so subdued that the only thing I remember is Saxophone Girl, or as I like to say, Sexophone Girl!
Songs for the final round will be chosen by Jimmy and, just like the judges knew in Round One, Jimmy knows the only choice for Joshua is one by a screechy diva, so he goes with Mary J. Blige. Joshua's doing No More Drama but it's Much More Drama with all the screeching, melisma, awkward bouncing around and Too Much Drama when he rips off his jacket.
We find out Lisa Marie Presley and Adam Lambert are on tomorrow night and we know Lisa Marie was once married to a laughing stock freak with bizarre skin, so Adam may get lucky tomorrow! And speaking of Michael Jackson, Jessica's doing I'll be There and she's a perfect three for three with the boring ballads tonight. Randy hates it, but not as much as he's going to hate all the hatemail he's going to get from The Phillipines.
Last up for tonight is Phillip doing a song chosen for him by Jimmy, who wants to pick something Phil's fans will like. And Jimmy knows what the deal is with this show as he picks something that will make all of America's overweight housewives swoon, Bob Segar's We've Got Tonight. This was a very smart pick as it will mobilize the frau to vote for Phil like mad. And Phil will have a chance to thank these frau when he sees them en masse during the Idol Tour and when they harass him forever until they completely destroy his life.