We're down to three contestants, which means I'm back to doing live recaps for the remainder of the season. It also means that this is the point in the show where the producers and judges get to pick the songs, meaning that someone's getting forced to do songs that don't suit them, while the other get to do boring ballads.
Oh, joy. At least this season is over in eight days.
Round one is the judges' pick. W'Tasia is first, and Randy has picked the Etta James song "I'd Rather Be Blind" for him. This is a perfect pick, since Etta rose to fame in the early 1960s, just like W'Tasia should have. And that's about all the snark I have, because he's doing a really good job at tackling the song. He even threw in some Fantasia screeches for me. Thanks, W'Tasia! Steven said that it was "another Joshua moment", which I more or less agree with. J Lo managed not to utter the word "goosies" for two seconds. Randy calls him a "classic stylist", which translates to "not marketable in 2012". I mean, he's a great talent, but trying to make it on the throwback thing is a major long shot if you're not a woman (see: Adele, Amy Winehouse, Duffy).
Jessica is up, and unfortunately for her, J Lo is the one to pick her song. She has chosen "My All" by Mariah Carey. BIG SURPRISE. By the way, here's some breaking news. Jessica is 16 years old. Did you know that? Oh, American Idol, why do you never tell us when contestants are 16 or 17? If you had done that during Season 6, Jordin Sparks might have won...oh wait, she did because the show crams the ages of younger contestants down our throats. Meanwhile, Jessica is giving a lackluster performance, and it's sort of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Hey, at least she didn't try to oversing it...although that might have made it more interesting. Randy says that he worked with Mariah Carey. Did you know this? First, Jessica is 16, and now THIS??? Why have you been hiding this information, Randy? Steven basically hands her the crown and picks Jessica as the winner. Oh, Steven. Jessica doesn't have a penis. Learn about the show before you judge it.
Now it's time for the VFTW Honey Badger who doesn't give a shit, Phillip Phillips. Steven, the closest we've ever had to a worster judge on this show, appropriately has the task of picking PP's song. He picked "Beggin'" by Madcon, which is actually by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Steven should have remembered that song from when it was first on the radio in 1967, but oh well. And, surprise! It's a WGWG version to end all WGWG versions, and it's actually pretty good to boot. The judges seem to agree, and Steven goes as far as to compare him to Bruce Springsteen. Randy throws out a couple of 'in the zones', and Round 1 is over. Randy predictably gives the round to W'Tasia, who he picked a song for. J Lo puts on her worster hat and gives the round to PP. And Steven doesn't know what the hell is going on, so he abstains from voting.
Enter Round 2, which is contestants' picks. I imagine that this is just like a producers' pick round, only we're told that the contestants picked the song. W'Tasia is up, and we see his hometown trip to Louisiana. The first stop is for, guess what? Crawfish! Much like Jessica's age and Randy's work history, crawfish is something we just don't see on AI at all. The town then gives him a parade, and frauen are making him kiss their babies as they cry. The frauen, not the babies. We then see him in concert, and once again he keeps his shoes on. Why be compared to Fantasia if you're going to dress well? What a waste. His song is John Lennon's "Imagine". It's a lot like Lennon's version, only in a higher key and with a lot more screaming. I'm not liking this as much as "I'd Rather Be Blind", and now I'm just thinking about how overdone the song is on the show. They should have just retired it after Jennifer Hudson sang it. Steven and J Lo seem to like it, but it's hard to tell because neither of them can seem to get to the fucking point. Randy is also talking, but I'm distracted by the pocket watch on his lapel. Really, Randy? A pocket watch? Somebody get this guy a new stylist.
Now it's time to follow Jessica down to Chula Vista, California. Jessica says she was homeschooled, which explains why she has no friends on the show. But she apparently has friends at home, and she's "exstatic" to be going back. Since Chula Vista isn't that far away from Hollywood, she's taken by helicopter instead of a luxury jet, just like Katharine McPhee. Otherwise, she did nothing of note for the rest of the trip. San Diego loves Jessica. She sings on a naval base to appeal to the show's fans. If Jessica wasn't already the Chosen One, she is now. The song she picked is Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing". SUCKUP! Not surprisingly, she sings the hypothetical Disney version, and I'm tempted to fast-forward. Steven says she took a great song and made it greater. I have to admit, she has no fear if she's pulling this shit. I will give her that. She's still boring, though.
Boredom Time is temporarily over as it's PP's turn again. We see him go back to his hometown in Georgia (or, if you're Brielle Von Hugel, "Joija".) where his presence helped the local economy. We see that a Leesburg restaurant has named a 5,000 calorie dish after him, which should be great for PP's munchie attacks. PP disembarks the jet, and is immediately ambushed by an extremely large woman with menopausal hot flashes in her nether regions. She knocks him down while screaming, "You're mine now, Phillip! I'm your fat bottomed girl, just like you sang to me on the show! Fuck me, Phillip! Let me make a bad boy out of you!" As she's pulled away by the police, PP is treated for bruised ribs and sheer panic, which should get him a ton of sympathy votes, just like the ton of person who tried to dry-hump him. Okay, that didn't really happen, but I just felt like giving PP a preview of what's in store for him this summer on the tour. Think of it as a public service. Back to reality, PP is at the parade, and...we have tears! A WGWG who cries is sure to win. His song is "Disease" by Matchbox 20, and it's a typical PP performance. We see the return of Hot Saxophone Girl, and...well, that's it. This is more or less a preview of PP's first album. He's not as good as Jessica or W'Tasia in this round, so if we and the Phrauen can get him into the finale, remember that. J Lo gets booed by the Phrauen as she considers the performance lackluster. Steven says something nonsensical, and PP laughs like a stoned hyena. I love this guy! Randy doesn't like it, but Randy wears a pocket watch on his lapel. His argument is invalid.
Now it's time for Jimmy's pick, which I imagine is the "throw someone under the bus" pick. The song he picked for W'Tasia is "No More Drama" by Mary J Blige. The first thing I notice is that W'Tasia has raided the wardrobe at So You Think You Can Dance. I am loving this performance as he's Fantasia-ing it up. Screeching? Check. Chicken dances? Check. Removal of article of clothing? Check! Joking aside, this is arguably his best performance of the season, which will make a PP entry into the finale that much sweeter. The judges seem to like it, but no one can get a word in edgewise as J Lo once again refuses to stop talking. Can someone get her a remote-contolled ball gag?
Jessica is due to sing now, hopefully for the last time on this show. Ryan says she's going "Old School", which for her could mean anything before 2007. Her song is "I'll Be There" by the Jackson 5. It's a fine imitation of the original, which means she did absolutely nothing creative with the song, as per usual. The best part is at the end, where we see everyone in the audience clapping, except for Heejun, who is just cracking his knuckles and looking bored. Too late, Heejun. Too late to pull a Whatevia pose on us. Now, go back to your corner. Steven throws out his 458th "over the top" of the night before J Lo starts babbling for 15 more minutes. Randy says he doesn't love it because she didn't do the Mariah version. Did you know that Randy worked with Mariah? Me neither. How would we? We're not mindreaders.
Closing the show on a VFTW note is Phillip. His song is "We've Got Tonight" by Bob Seger. PP is without the guitar this time, so he can't figure out what to do with his left hand other than molest himself as he sings. I can just imagine Phrauen writing dirty fan fiction to this. Before you PP fans get excited, remember that they write themselves into these stories. Sorry for the flurg visual. Back to the song, PP is having a 'moment', doing a nice, soft version of the song, without the growling or faces. Boring, but hey, if it'll help boost him over Jessica, I'll take it. Randy throws out a 'best performance ever'. J Lo says that there are 20 million girls wishing he was singing to them, but in reality there are 20 million lonely old ladies who actually think he was singing to them. Good luck with that, Phillip!
So, who's going home? It's probably not easy to say, but W'Tasia had three good performances, PP had two, and Jessica had one. I hope everyone voted for PP as much as possible, because complacency and the Top 3 simply do not mix. Let's hope we can get rid of Little Miss Entitlement so that we can make way for a two-sausage finale. See you next week!
Location: Your sweetest nightmares
