It's time for the finals and it's been a long road to get to what VFTW accepted long ago, that the winner of this show is going to be a White Guy With Guitar for the fifth year in a row. Everyone in The Philippines has their million fake accounts ready to vote for Jessica but all of Phil's more senior fans are ready too, unless they've fallen asleep by now. And tonight's show has an extra bit of excitement as VFTW pick Phillip Phillip looks sicker than ever and can collapse at any moment. Our two finalists come out and Jessica is appropriately dressed for such an occasion, while Phillip is appropriately dressed to bury a corpse. There are three rounds tonight, meaning three times the boring ballads and three times the WGWG. Jessica's up first doing Boring Ballad #1 I Have Nothing and this is reminding me of The Philippines as this is something you'd hear in any of it's ten million karaoke bars. Jessica's singing relatively nicely, although I think even now Whitney could perform this with more energy. And if Whitney were alive to hear the needless growling Jessica's added to this, she'd probably say Crack is wack, and so is Jessica!
Phillip's doing Stand By Me, or at least we're told this is Stand By Me as our pick is refusing to sing a single note of the original melody, making this classic completely unrecognizable. VFTW has stood by Phil for almost two months (since we accepted the inevitable and put our season in cruise control!).
Phillip needs time to change from his grey shirt to blue so it's time for some filler from Jason Derulo, who's just recovered 6 months later from having sex with Jordin Sparks. He's doing a song co-written by the general public, who've added extra autotune to it. Jason's standing on a chair and wouldn't it be ironic if he fell and broke his neck again just 24 hours after he got clearance.
Jessica's back and it's time for Boring Ballad #2, The Prayer. Jessica's adding enough vibrato to trigger an earthquake in The Phillipines.
We see Colton, Heejun and Deandre sitting together in the audience and it looks like a screencap from Faces Of Death. Phillip's back doing Moving Out, and he hopes he'll soon have some kidney stones Moving Out. And the next bit of melodic singing will be Phil's first as he is in his own universe tonight with his interpretations. I see Saxophone Girl playing a different instrument tonight and if she likes playing different instruments, I have a flute she can try.
It's time for the finalists to perform the single they'll be releasing if they win and surely this is the year Idol stops forcefeeding them crappy pop ballads no one wants. No it's not, as Jessica's stuck with a sappy dud that makes Justin Bieber seem hardcore. All three judges hate this song but the problem isn't the song, it's Jessica, who can't make anything that's not in her comfort zone her own, as opposed to...
Phil! I don't know the name of his song but what does it matter as we know that he's going to Philify any piece of crap that's given to him. Even though this is the first time we've heard this song, we've heard it a million times before as Phillip is just being Phillip. And the judges have completely given up and have accepted the inevitable as they give a standing ovation to WGWG Winner #5.
That's it for my first season of blogging. Thanks to Dave for giving me the chance, and thanks to those who enjoyed it...all 5 of you!
Over The Hill
Location: a hole in the bottom of the sea
Location: Grammer Nazi-Vil
