Hello, worsters! Are you happy yet? This is the final week of the crap-on-a-stick that has been Season 11 of American Idol. Not only that but this week's performance show is only an hour! I suppose they're saving for when they run 493 minutes over during tomorrow's finale, as is the annual tradition. I'm going to help by jumping right into the performances.
Phillip won the coin toss and smartly chose to go second, so Jessica is up first with Simon Fuller's pick, "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston. This is appropriate, since they're milking Whitney's corpse in order to let another corpse sing. This is a typical Jessica power-ballad performance, which means that she had a few really awesome notes floating alone in a sea of boring. Way to coast, Jessica!
Oddly enough, the judges are being forced to STFU until the end of the round. Have they learned nothing from Paula's Season 7 gaffe, when she critiqued Jason Castro's song before he had actually performed it? Oh well, at least we get to jump right into Phillip's song, which is "Stand By Me" by Ben E. King, which Simon Fuller loves to give to people he wants off the show, such as Josiah Leming. However, Phillip is taking to the song like he takes to a Dave Matthews song, which he does by turning Stand By Me into a Dave Matthews song. None of the above matters, though, because I know the Phrauen are eating this up like it's a giant bag of Phillip-flavored, dick-shaped Cheetos.
Now it's time for the judges to uselessly weigh in. I guess the hour has to be filled somehow. J Lo starts with one of her 20-minute rambles without saying who she thought was better. This is what she gets 12 million dollars a season for? Randy gives the round to Jessica because his taste in music is atrocious, and Steven says nothing. Nigel, please shitcan these judges. You know you want to. And we know you have it in you to do it. Come on, man. For America. I mean...for your show and for your reputation in Hollywood. There, that got through.
Jessica starts Round 2, but not before J Lo gives the first round to Jessica, and not before Jason Derulo performs. I don't care about this, so I skip right to Jessica, who I also don't care about, but Jason isn't competing and Jessica is. Jessica's favorite performance of the season is "The Prayer", naturally. I'm trying really hard to put down my worster hat for her performances and not let my bias for Phillip get in the way. This is impossible as this performance is just really, really slow and sleepy. It would make an awesome lullaby, like something to get your cranky kids to sleep. She gives us a good glory note in the middle in order to keep the audience from falling asleep, and it almost worked.
Phillip's favorite song from the season is the far less sleepy Billy Joel's "Movin' Out". It's not much different from the last time he performed it, but this time there was Hot Sax Girl and more shit-eating grins from PP. Awesome! Steven gives Round 2 to Jessica to a sea of boos from the audience. Randy calls it even, and J Lo correctly gives the round to Phillip before Ryan cuts her off mid-sentence. Hey, how else are you going to humanely get her to shut the hell up? I love this format of hearing as little as possible from superhacks J Lo and Randy. Steven never says much anyway, so I barely notice when he basically doesn't talk at all tonight.
Now it's time for the coronation song round, the first nail in the coffins that hold PP and Jessica's respective careers. Jessica's song is called "Change Nothing", and I immediately want to change something - the channel. Not because it's Jessica, but because AI coronation songs are the worst songs ever written. Seriously, can you remember any of them aside from MAYBE "A Moment Like This"? Anyway, Jessica sings this piece of crap like she just learned the song yesterday, alternating between warbly and screechy. Seriously, if she was good, I'd say so, but this just stunk worse than a pile of Ke$ha's sweat-soaked party clothes left out in the sun. Randy said he didn't love the song, but she made the song more than what it was. Well, that wasn't hard to do, was it? It's a coronation song. J Lo liked how Jessica sung the song, but also criticized the song choice. Then she kept talking past her welcome point, as usual. OK, this must be why Steven doesn't talk. Oh. My. Gaw. She's still talking. STFU, J Lo! Steven also hated the song and probably wants it to die like the rest of us want it to.
Phillip's song is called "Home". Guess what the results show theme song is going to be next year? Oh, American Idol. You are so transparent. Phillip is singing now, and while it's not the best song ever, it's one of the best - and least cheesy - coronation songs in AI history, and it seems to have been written just for Phillip. It's not good enough to win any awards, but possibly just good enough to get heavy rotation on AC radio. PP gets a standing O from the judges, as well as some "WOOOOOOOOOOOO"s from Randy. Then, Randy says, "yo", and "dude" before verbally ejaculating all over PP. J Lo said it was "different", which I think means "Wow! You sang a coronation song that didn't turn you into a total embarrassment!" Steven said that Phillip is "the man". And we're done.
I'd like to thank Dave for giving me the opportunity to project my voice to this fine audience of dozens. I keep swearing that this is the last year I'll be following AI, but if any changes are made (like replacing all three judges, please, please), I'll probably be back for another springtime of torture.
Voting is still going on all over the country as of right now. DO NOT GET COMPLACENT, lest Jessica's rabid fans take over. Phillip's numbers are 1-866-436-5702/04/06/08. VOTE!