It's time for another karaoke show to begin, which there are now a million of running 12 months a year. Simon's show last year had the worst debut since The Titanic so he's made many changes, all of which will appeal to anyone under nine years old. New judge Demi Lovato will be able to mentor the contestants on how to properly use autotune. Fellow new judge Britney Spears doesn't use autotune as it's not needed when you lip sync 100% of the time. We get to see some past contestants from this show who've gone on to success, none of whom are last year's winner. A fresh batch of famewhores are ready with the best sob stories they can dream up. We see IBWs Kaci and Kayle Newton backstage staring down Paige Thomas, who will not give up the mirror, and this show already has more drama in two minutes than the entire season of American Idol 11. The IBWs are laughing at Paige's freaky look and her ripped stocking but Paige's kid takes care of that when she wipes her hands on Kaci's dress after going to the bathroom. Paige goes first and is singing I'm Goin' Down and she may indeed be goin' down as she's singing like she's having convulsions. For those wondering if Britney would be any more interesting than the other useless judges we usually get on these shows, we get our answer when the best comment she comes up with is You're flawless! Demi's next to comment and and I'm sure Paige loves getting critiqued by a 19-year-old. LA Reid compares Paige to Rhianna, but I didn't think she was that awful.
Sometimes you know how some of these contestants are going to do before they sing a single note and that's the case with 50-year-old Shawn Armenta, who looks like as much of a pop star as Henry Kissinger. Shawn has been practicing non-stop for 18 months to make a complete ass of himself on national TV. He's doing an original song called Candy Girl and his singing's not the worst thing about him as his dancing's even worse. Shawn attacks Demi for using autotune, as she rightfully should be, but there's not enough autotune in this world to help Shawn.
We see our first parade of losers made up of people who would've made better use of their time had they gone down to the welfare office that day instead. Now comes our first contestant tailor made for the new tard-friendly X Factor in 13-year-old Reed Deming, who looks like Justin Bieber's little sister. Reed starts off with a Bruno Mars song and he's singing like he's dying. The judges stop him just as he's about to have a cardiac arrest and let him do another song. Reed tells us he doesn't want to be another Bieber and he needn't worry as next to him, Justin Bieber seems like Rambo. While Reed may not be the next Bieber, he may be the next VFTW choice!
We see Simon and Demi chatting and Demi tells him she likes one of his One Direction boys. Simon freaks as he knows if one if his boys meet Demi it's only a matter of time until they start drinking and cutting themselves. But Simon needn't worry as each member of One Direction are too busy groping each other to be bothered with Demi.
After bitching, whining and complaining backstage all night, we finally get to hear IBW Kaci Newton sing. Kaci desperately wants to be famous and she better consider porn as it ain't going to happen anyway else. Simon says she sounds like like she's dying, but so does Simon as his world continues to fall apart around him. It's a big NO from all the judges but like all delusional famwhores, Kaci has a second song ready, and surely a third, a fourth and a fifth.
We're off to San Francisco and the Cow Palace, which would be a perfect venue for a gathering of Adam Lambert fans. We get another parade of losers, including Saane, who would win this show hands down if it were all about who looks like the biggest jackass. For those of you with bile in your throat you just can't throw up, check out Mark Avery. Charles Sprangler reminds me a bit of The UK's Wagner after drinking a barrel of rum and getting run over by a truck. Being we're in San Francisco, I'm disapointed it takes 4 auditions till we get our first Tranny contestant, Mahogony. And speaking of trannies, here comes Quatrelle, a black guy complete with wedding dress! And he's doing the only song he can, Born This Way by Lady Gaga and Quatrelle's a lot like Gaga in that he may have a penis, but probably not. And, based on his what his girlfriends look like, we shouldn't be surpirsed Simon loves the tranny! Simon gives Quatrelle a big YES and says he's ready to Embrace The Madness!
Our first Boy Band is up in Emblem3 and they're getting advice from a former Boy Band member in Vincent Thomas. Vincent's up first and he makes Donnie Wahlberg sound like Pavarotti. Emblem3 are laughing at him as they come onto the stage. This group is made up of two guys around 20 who rap and sing and a 15-year-old who, well, I'm not sure what he does other than look like Bieber. They're doing an original song and it's better than any song they'll get stuck with this year on this dreadful show. One would think that Emblem3 will do well on this show but groups do almost as poorly on X Factor as women do on American Idol.
Now it's time for the show's first attempt at making Britney have a meltdown as they drag out Don Phillip, who once did a duet with Britney long, long ago. Simon asks Don what he's done in the past ten years since he sang with Brits and Don begins to cry. He tells us he's done absolutely nothing because he feels he isn't worthy, and with reason as his singing is hideous. Poor Delusional Don doesn't know how awul he is as he's in shock when Simon tells him he can't sing. But Don still has hope as old pal Britney surely will let him through but even Britney isn't medicated enough to think he can sing.
We get a shot of the goings-on backstage, where all the plants are beng ushered to the front of the line, like Jennel Garcia. We see her family and they're hoping Jennel becomes a success so they can move out of their trailer. Jennel's relatively simple looking and seems harmelss enough until she starts singing, when she turns into a lap dancer. Jennel's ok but may want to stop looking and acting like she's in a gangbang.
We get a final parade of losers and all their issues combined wouldn't add up to our final audiioner's, Jillian Jensen. Jillian looks like she's been around the block a few times...dragged by a car. She tells us she was severly bullied in high school and if she wore the same leopard leotards she is tonight, I completely understand why. Jillian's performance is one part singing, ten parts crying and if she thinks the bullying she faced in school was rough, wait till she sees what the judges and fans of this show have in store for her if she knocks off one of their favorites.