We're back for a second night of auditions and if Simon wasn't freaked out enough about losing to The Voice last night, let's see how he does tonight going against the season premiere of Big Bang Theory, the Season Finale of America's Got Talent and an NFL football game. We're back in San Francisco, where we're bound to see many hippie girls in flowery dresses, and many guys in flowery dresses too (pictured, left!). The judges arrive and Britney shows up last as it takes longer to take all her meds. The first desperate famewhore we meet tonight is Johnny Maxwell and his MILFy stage mom. 16-year-old Johnny is as pumped up as it gets and has more energy going through him than an Iranian Nuclear power plant. He's doing an original song and we've got our Young Homie 2.0, meaning we're going to hear this song about another fifty times this season. Simon says Johnny is a much better rapper than singer, but so are about 99% of the other people in this world.
Time for something X Factor is better at than any show, getting two girls to go at each other's throats. Lexa Berman and her fake boobies says she's a triple threat: Annoying, obnoxious and delusional. Paige Strobach is a simple girl who looks like she could use a good bath. Lexa is shakin' it for everyone to see and says she has no Plan B other than marrying a rich guy. As she comes on stage, Demi and Britney give her a bitch stare that tells us this is going to be a big NO even if Lexa sings like Whitney Houston. But these jealous girls will be balanced out by Simon Cowell, who doesn't care how Lexa sings and just wants to bang her. Lexa bombs almost as badly as this show's ratings and Paige Strobach knows exactly what to do: The complete opposite of Lexa.
LA Reid wants someone who's hot looking as well as a hot singer, but all he's getting are people whose singing is as hot as a steaming pile of cow dung. The judges are wondering why they can't get a hot guy who can sing but all they have to do is look at all the hideous males who've been on American Idol over the past decade. While the judges are looking for someone hot, we're in San Francisco and I'm looking for someone tranny, and we finally get it in Jason Brock! We've been anxiously awaiting Jason ever since we saw pictures of him like the one posted at the top of this article and let me tell you, Jason's personality and singing is everything it should be based on his picture! Jason daydreams about doing his own humongous stage show that ends in a massive glitter explosion! Jason's doing New York State Of Mind and he tells us he's adding his own flavor, and that flavour is distinctly OTT! Imagine a threesome between Adam Lambert, Liza Minnelli and a rainbow-coloured unicorn.
We're off to Rhode Island, home to...I have no idea. While I'm not sure what goes on in Rhode Island, I see they are like anywhere else in America in that they have an endless supply of delusional famewhores who want to be on TV. People like Patrick Ford, who tells us he worships Britney and that they look like each other, but the only resemblance I see are their bugged-out eyes. Last night the show tried to trick Britney into having a meltdown by bringing out past duet partner Don Philip, and they're trying again tonight as Patrick belongs more in a padded room than on a stage. He's doing Britney's Circus and Britney has a look on her face similar to when she was carried away from her house on a gurney.
Last up is 13-year-old Carly Rose Sonenclar, who right away reminds me of Britney as I see she has a massively overbearing stage mom. It's amazing to see someone so young and inexperienced. Ok, maybe young Carly has a little bit of experience, like...
-began her career in 2006 in The Night of the Hunter at the New York Musical Theater Festival in which she played the lead role of Pearl.
-In that same year, she made her Broadway debut in Les Miserables as Young Cosette.
-In 2009, she appeared in the national tour of Little House of the Prairie the Musical, starring Melissa Gilbert, originating the principal role of Carrie.
-Carly made her television debut as Gilda Flip, the newest Prankster and protégé of the lovably evil Francine Carruthers, the leader of the Pranksters, in season three of The Electric Company, produced by Sesame Workshop and airing on PBS.
-In 2011, Carly originated the principal role of Chloe in Wonderland on Broadway and garnered rave reviews including one by The New York Times theater critic Charles Isherwood, who described Carly as a "preternaturally skilled singer." She is a featured soloist on the cast CD produced by Sony Masterworks and was named the 2011 Best Young Performer by broadwayworld.com.
-Most recently, Carly originated the lead role of Parsley in The Big Bank, a new musical which was performed at the New York Musical Theater Festival in October, 2011.
-Carly has sung the National Anthem for the New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden, the Los Angeles Dodgers at Dodger Stadium and at the U.S. Open Tennis Tournament in New York City.
-She has performed at numerous charity benefits including one at which she was accompanied by the ex-New York Yankee great, Bernie Williams, who is a world-class Puerto Rican-born guitarist and recording artist.
-Carly has appeared in two feature movies, The Nanny Diaries and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, and has made numerous TV guest appearances, including ABC News, WPIX morning news and NBC news. She is represented by CESD.
But other than that, Carly is very inexperienced.