If you've ever wondered what you'd get if American Idol met The Kardashians, check out tonight's episode of X Factor, which was an endless freakshow made up of rappers, fake arrests, faker drama, a gigantic bitch and an even more gigantic Panda! We're in Kansas, about which a James Bond villain once quipped If we blow up Kansas, no one will know about it for three weeks. Simon didn't make it to tonight's show as he has an appointment in a padded room as his show and world continue to fall apart. But his replacement holds much VFTW promise as they've imported Louis Walsh, who brought us Jedward and Wagner on the UK version of this show. First up is Rizzloe Jones, who needs to be told the Vanilla Ice Imitator auditions are to the right. Rizzloe is a freestyle rapper who by comparison makes Justin Bieber look like a gangbanger. The judges are laughing at him before he starts rapping, and I continue laughing once he starts.
VFTW's had all types of picks over the years and some of the funniest ones are those we never expected, like a Paul McDonald. And then there's the contestants who we know are going to be our pick the second we meet them, like Cece Frey. For those who've checked our spoilers for this show, you already know Cece's a massively delusional Cher Lloyd-Keisha wannabe and VFTW has been anxiously awaiting Cece's X Factor debut to see if she's the total VFTW package. And boy is she ever as X Factor introduces her with a bitch edit that in three seconds turns her from a complete unknown into a massive bitch. Cece has a bunch of crap on her face and is trolling the other contestants backstage, whether laughing at Rizzloe or telling a duo they should be dating when they're clearly not. But now the joke's on Cece as she has to go onstage and she makes a complete ass of herself as she completely bombs on Unchained Melody. She tells us she's Cece-fying it, which must mean she going to sing it like crap. At this point, Cece would normally be relegated to the best of the awful auditions reel but see, Cece is a plant so she gets a second song. The show probably wants to turn her into a Cher Lloyd type, and one thing she's sure to have in common with Cher is massive fan hatred.
It's LA Reid's birthday and Britney has a brilliant idea: Let's sing him Happy Birthday! Vino Alan's up and his tattooed face looks like it was caught in a newspaper press. Vino's as decrepit as it gets, meaning the fraus will love him. Someone who no one will like is Deangelo Wallace, a massive douchebag who's saying Britney, Demi and Bieber SUCK which, if you think about it, he has a point. Deangelo needs a song by an artist who matches his massive douchbaggery and he's almost done it by choosing Chris Brown. Needless to say, Deangelo's singing is awful, but not as awful as his acting as we get a whole bunch of fake drama leading all the way to a fake arrest. And X Factor is entering American Idol territory as turning this into a Cops episode with Deangelo just stinks.
And now it's time to copy American Idol in another way as we finally get a WGWG! Tate Stevens, 37, says he's an underdog on this show but little does he know that being the only WGWG makes him the favoriite. Tate lays concrete on streets, which is one step up from Sanjaya serving pizza. Tate's asked what he'd do with $5 million and the first thing he should think about is taking care of his blotchy skin. Tate's a funny WGWG and the judges like him. Wait till he bores them to death after two performances yet keeps knocking off one pimped contestant after another...because he's a WGWG!
We're back from commercials and all of a sudden the male contestants are starting to seem much more feminine. Then I realize we're back in San Francisco. First up is Guy Group Citizen, who have more product in their hair than a porn version of The Ryan Seacrest Story. They're doing an En Vogue song and how can I put this delicately...they're making Scissor Sisters seem like Metallica. And if there was any doubt, the show plays It's Raining Men as they come onstage. They have a whole dance routine that The Spice Girls could only dream of. Demi, Britney and LA don't seem to get what's going on here but Simon does as he knows this guy group normally performs in dresses.
We get a parade of especially dreadful groups, as opposed to the just regular dreadful groups we usually get on this show. But we get one soloist in Olivia Bonilla, who has more awfulness than an entire group combined. Now back to Planet Earth as we get a couple of young'uns in Diamond White, 13, and Adrianna Lemus, 14, and for those who remember Rachel Crow's and Drew's meltdowns on live televion last year, having kids on a show like this isn't such a great idea. But fortunately for Diamond and Adrianna, their parents don't give a crap and here they are. Simon lets us know how much he hates Adele, and he hates her even more now after Adrianna's dreadful audition that could give Rebecca Black a run for her money. The judges tell her it's a NO today, and let me tell her it's going to be a NO tomorrow, and every day after that. Now that that's out of the way, here's Diamond and her sob story is having to sleep in the same room as her mom, which is nothing compared to Rachel's story of having to poop in the same bathroom as the rest of her family. While Rachel came off as one of the Munchkins in The Wizard Of Oz, Diamond is one mature 13-year-old who may be strong enough to avoid having a meltdown on this show. Who am I kidding, the show's going to destroy her till she collapses on the stage like the other kids they've had on.
Ally Brooke is next and she has about 50 of her brothers and sisters with her. And Ally's surely the most delusional of her clan as she tells us that not only does she want to be a singer, she also wants to act, make perfume and basically rule the world. She's singing On My Knees, something she may find out about if she's in Simon's group. She's solid and the judges have heard enough, but not Ally as she keeps on singing. Perhaps in all her excitement, Ally hasn't caught on that he judges have had enough. Actually, she's completely caught on but Ally Badger doesn't care as she keeps on singing and singing and singing. Demi says it's an Easy Breezy YES, which is an easy-breezy way of getting me to punch you in the face.
We meet teeny Brandon Hassan who gets a three-second audition that screams Fodder. And speaking of fodder, next up is screechy Normani Hamilton, who'd be perfect if this were American Idol 3. Sister act Sister C has the right formula to succeed in the Country world: 2 out of the three are blondes. Duo Jeremiah & Josh are doing an original song and Britney would like them to wake her up in the morning, where she's passed out on her bathroom floor.
It's time for some VFTW love and we get about 400 pounds of it in Panda Ross. Pands tells us she was in the hospital yesterday and from the looks of it, could be returning there at any moment. But now she's ready to give America a little piece of Panda Pie! Panda loves Simon, who wonders how she got such a name. Well D'uh Simon, she got her name as she was born to Black mother in jail who shared a cell with a White woman. Simon says he loves pandas, and he loves horses too based on the women he's been seen with. Panda's a whole lotta soul, about half a ton to be exact. I'm waiting for the comments a la American Idol, like You're a HUGE talent or You have a HUMONGOUS personality. It's four BIG Yesses and it's time to bring out the stretcher as Panda is taking another trip to the veternarian.
Last up is Jessica Espinosa, who has an Allison Iraheta vibe, all the way down to her stubby little fingers. Jessica says she knows what it's like to be hungry but doesn't look like she's missed too many meals lately. Jessica's doing Pink's Nobody Knows and her stage mom is singing along, but one family member who isn't around is her sister Jennifer, who appeared on American Idol last season in the Queen exravaganza. Jessica's a good singer and for her troubles must now be critiqued by a 19-year-old Disney Queen and the world's most famous lip syncher, which is exactly what she deserves for trying to make it into the business the easy way.