X Factor Auditions, Part 4 - Fake Drama Is So Fake

We're off to Greensboro, North Carolina, home of an endless supply of WGWGs and IBWs, all of whom are related to each other. Time will tell if any of them can sing but they better be able to act as this show has more fake drama than Glee. It's 12 hours before showtime so it's time for Britney to start putting on her makeup and taking all her meds. Demi isn't hungry this morning so she's put her croissant on top of her head. First up is Willie Jones, who's forming a Jesus Circle with his family but it's going to do him little good as Jesus, like everyone else in America, isn't watching this show. Willie looks like a character from The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air but sings like a one from Deliverance as Willie is all country and is singing babylockthemdoors, just like Scotty McCreepy did ten times on American Idol. It's ironic Willie is a country singer as most of the people who listen to that music would sooner run Willie over with their pickup truck than buy one of his albums. People like our next auditioner...

Hillbilly Kalvin McManigle, who has one tooth, which is pretty good in this neck of the woods. Kalvin looks more likely to blow up a Government building than pass his audition. Britney's worried they may be related, and they probably are.

IBW Julia Bullock's up next. She's in a band. Or was in one as she's brought along her bandmates, not for support but to dump them on national TV. The band is concerned with what will happen to them if Julia goes far on this show but they needn't worry as even last year's winner isn't any further ahead than she was before she came on this show. Julia has a fake ex-boyfriend in her band who's less convincing than Michael Jackson when he was with Brooke Shields. She's doing Pumped Up Kicks and Simon tells her it's Goodbye Band, Hello Solo Career.

Time to see if we have any future George Clooneys or Julia Roberts as X Factor's cueing the fake drama. Krysten Colon's doing an incredible acting job as she seems relatively normal, something we'll see she's far from. Krysten's incredibly delusional. I wonder how she became this way. Enter Stage Mom Colon. Krysten's doing an Adele song and Simon's ready to stop it right away as he hates Adele but he has another reason as Krysten sucks. Anyone can see at this point that she doesn't have what it takes but Krysten doesn't have the meltdown the show was hoping for so they tell her to come back later to do another song.

While Krysten pointlessly gets another song ready, Jeffery Gutt's set to go and has his son on standby to exploit just in case he needs some extra sympathy to pass his audition. He says he's a rocker and, like all other proclaimed rockers on these shows, is highly unoriginal as he's doing Hallelujah. Jeffrey's screeching as loud as he can and his face is turning beet red. His kid comes running out on stage, which is a waste of pimpage Jeffery could have used later as he passes his audition.

A huge thunderstorm has begun but unfortunately none of the lightning strikes any of the next delusional auditioners like Marchello Penn or Byron Edwards. Water begins leaking from the roof that's going to ruin Demi's hair croissant. Britney's getting nervous and the staff have ten men in white coats ready to pounce. And they better have another ten on standby as Krysten's back. The judges are hoping it was just a fluke how awful she was the first time. But it's no fluke as Krysten's even worse than before. And her acting has fallen apart too as Krysten's veil of normalcy is completed torn away as she has one of the all-time batshit insane meltdowns. It all begins with a rant to her family, who saw this coming as they told her You said you wouldn't do this! Krysten's going nuts and starts throwing anything she can get her hands on until she storms out of the arena into a hurricane as she goes looking around for a good roof to jump off of. And while Krysten and her mother are completely insane, they're not any crazier than any of the other delusional people who think being on this show is going help them have anything resembling a career in the music business.