X Factor Auditions, Part 5 - Was Austin Corini's Audition Faker Than Britney's Boobs?

America's third favorite karaoke show is back and we're reminded that someone's going to win $5 million, of which they'll be lucky to see $50 once Simon's done with them. We see Britney's puppeteer Larry Rudolph, who surely has a straight jacket nearby just in case. You never know what you're going to get with this show as some of the audition episodes feature serious singers while others have a bunch of deluisonal jackasses and based on tonight's first auditioners Adonis and John, it looks like it's going to be the latter. Adonis looks like the runt of a litter the mother usually kills while John looks like Bigfoot. These two like the hot girls, none of whom they are EVER going to get. They're doing Lionel Richie's Hello and this act is made up of Adonis singing hideously while John acts like a corpse who can give the occasional Uh! Yeah! Even when being rejected, Adonis says It's all good. No it's not Adonis, it's not good at all.

And just in case there was any doubt tonight's show is going to be about the jackasses, we get a parade of delusional losers including Sophia Harlow, who'll please those with fetishes of girls with massive thighs in short-shorts, and others whose day would've been better spent looking for bottles and cans in garbage bins. Meanwhile, Britney's being a pain in the ass backstage and Larry Rudolph's giving the signal to have the gurney and gag ball ready.

After about 20 minutes of people who I'd rather see in Faces Of Death, we finally get someone who could probably pass an audition for a High School play, 15-year-old Dinah Jane Hanson. She tells us she lives with 20 other family members and I'd hate to be the twentieth person who has to go to the toilet every morning after everyone else has gone. Dinah says Britney is her role model. Too bad Brits wouldn't give her the time of day if her life depended on it. Dinah's singing If I Were A Boy. Britney and Demi are amazed and saying Like, OMG!, maybe because they just realized that every contestant who makes it on this show sings way better than them.

For all those who've been consumed wondering if last year's fake Glee group InTENsity would stay together, the answer is NO as former memeber Arin Ray is back on his own. Arin's got his stage mom with him, who's going to make him keep auditioning on this show until he finally makes it. Arin's grown up quite a bit since last year and he's doing an original song called Count On Me. He's sort of like Chris Brown, at least the singing as it's unknown if Arin likes to beat women. It's nice to get an original song once in a while, as opposed to American Idol, which does not permit any songs written after 1974. But one thing you would definitely see on Idol is...

IBWs like Natalie Martin. Like all other girls on this show, her Idol's Britney. And like all other girls on this show, she doesn't even notice Demi's on the panel. Nick Perrelli's next, who's like Michael Buble with a mullet singing Frank Sinatra while being hit in the face with a shovel. 13-year-old Beatrice Miller is up and she's barely able to control her nerves during her audition, meaning we'll eventually get a massive meltdown like all other young teens on this show when they're eliminated.

Our next audition is a group which makes me go Holy Shit! as I'd completely forgotten there are groups on this show. And thank God there are as One4Five is two Will.I.Ams running around the stage who just provided some depth to our list of potential VFTW picks. But that list would be meaningless if someone like 52-year-old Changy Li made this show. She came here from China 12 years ago and doesn't seem to have taken a single English lesson in that time. I wonder if she's going to be mocked on this show the same way American Idol mocks its Asian auditioners and the answer is a big YES. Changy sings like a cartoon mouse caught in a trap. She's singing My Heart Will Go On from Titanic and I'm seriously not sure if she's singing it in English or Chinese. Simon says if they ever make a remake of Titanic, Changy should try out for iceberg. Britney tells Changy singing's not for her, and singing's not for Britney either as I can't remember the last time she gave a performance that wasn't lip synced.

And speaking of lip syncing, 16-year-old Austin Corini's next, whose audition you can see at the top of this post. He says he's a Justin Bieber wannabe, which to me is like saying you're a Charles Manson wannabe. And what do you know, the show has even hired two fake tards to drool over him backstage. Austin's singing Wanted and the judges are giving him very lukewarm comments despite him sounding ok. I wonder why? Maybe because Austin's voice is much worse than what we're hearing on TV as it seems to me what we're hearing is not Austin's real voice but one that has been greatly enhanced/manipulated post-production. Or maybe the judges are being cool towards him as they know, despite having a crappy voice that needs to be enhanced, Austin will knock off better singers just because he's a cute teen.

Nick Youngerman is up and I'm glad that I didn't bet $1 million that this Vanilla Ice wannabe would ever pass an audition if his life depended on it as I'd be deeply in debt tonight as for reasons that could never be justified to me, he amazingly gets four Yeses from the judges. The only YES our next act is ever going to get is for shock therapy as pretend engaged couple Jaime are a less convincing Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. The girl looks like Olive Oil, while the guy looks he should be the choreographer of a broadway show starring Harvey Fierstein. And forget what I said earlier about enjoying hearing original songs on this show as they should forever be prohibited so we never get a mess like this group is doing tonight. 

Just when you think it couldn't get any more decrepit, here comes David Correy. He was given up by his birth mother when he was an infant, perhaps because she knew he'd get tattoos from head to toe and look like someone you'd find in a soup line during The Depression. David's doing a Bruno Mars song and Britney's having a bit of a meltdown but Larry Rudolph's under the judge's table with hypodermic in hand. And speaking of meltdowns, David's beginning to cry and when they cry once, you know they're going to be crying many times in the future!

Now comes two people I've been waiting for, Sophie Simmons and Tara Simon. I've been waiting for Sophie because she's Gene Simmons' daughter and I've been wondering if she'll pass her audition because of who she is even though she barely sings well enough to get a part in a Community Play. I've also been waiting for Tara Simon because she posted in my blog that she's not a fundie despite appearing on shows that makes The 700 Club seem moderate by comparison. And there's nothing moderate about Tara's personality as it's akin to having a 50-ton slab of concrete fall on your head. Tara's beyond annoying, with plenty of jealousy to spare as she's staring down Sophie, who's up first. Sophie says she wants to make it on her own, so of course she's dragged along her two celebrity parents. Fortunately for Sophie, she hasn't inherited her father's looks, and she hasn't inherited any of his star power either as Sophie's as exciting as a tub of melted vanilla ice cream. But I'd rather drown in that tub than have to spend 5 minutes in a room with Tara Simon, who may be the most annoying person to appear on television since Snooki. Tara's really showing the VFTW spirit, making bitch faces at everyone backstage, doing push-ups to psych out the contestants, trolling other singers and being a massive pain in the ass in general. And one has to conceed that Tara's consistent as she's just as annoying when she comes on stage as she was behind it. Tara's arrogance makes Simon seem demure by comparison as she's basically laughing at the judges, and seemingly the entire World. Simon earns every cent he makes when her tells Tara to shut the fuck up and just sing. And just when you thought Tara couldn't be any more annoying, she proves us wrong as her singing is one part broadway, one part theatre, and ten parts melissma and over-phrasing. 

Next we meet Daryl Black. Daryl's 37 and has five kids which he must've started having when he was about 10. Daryl grew up in The 80's and his singing style makes me feel like I've taken a time machine back to that decade.

Last up is 13-year-old Trevor Moran, a prime example of what kids who've been brought up with technolgy are like. Trevor's computer is as attached to him as his arms and his idea of killing time is making one of those idiotic videos of him and his buddy to Call Me Maybe. And another result of being glued to technolgy is hideous health as Trevor passes out backstage and may be dead. We'll have to wait till tomorrow to see how this fake drama works out but part of me hopes Trevor dies as at least we won't have to see any of his retarded videos ever again.