We're back for the final auditions show and seeing annoying Trevor Moran laying on the floor dying is as satisfying the second time around as it was the first. But damn science, they're able to revive Trevor as it turns out he was just dehydrated from spazzing around making one of his retarded videos. He auditions with Sexy and I Know It and 13-year-old Trevor is giving us a glimpse into the future of music, and our society...effeminate boys spazzing around in their bedrooms to Call Me Maybe and uploading it to youtube. LA Reid tells Trevor he embodies what X Factor is all about. I agree as X Factor embodies FAIL.
Owen Stuart, 16, is next and his pathetic sob story is that he lives in North Carolina while his girlfriend lives in New York. Hey Owen, trust me that you'll be wishing for a set-up like this after you're married for a few years. The show has brought in one of their hired fake tards to drool over Trevor like they did last night for Austin Corini. But unless Trevor's grlfriend looks like Godzilla, she doesn't have to worry about losing him to this fan. Trevor comes on stage and Demi goes into heat. He's doing Airplanes by B.o.B, which is one part singing, fifty parts rapping. And like our previous auditoner, we're seeing the pathetic state of music today as anyone can get into music if they rap, which basically involves being able to talk into a microphone.
While the first auditioners make me shudder when I think of our future, I'm glad to be alive in the present to meet Freddie Combs! Freddie weighed almost 1000 pounds a few years ago but is now down to a svelte 600 pounds. Now it takes only 10 crewmen to roll his wheelchair up the ramp to the stage. His ever supportive wife is by his side, wearing a Muumuu. Freddie is a big bundle of VFTW love and has a nice enough voice, especially considering our first two auditioners sang about two notes. Hopefully Freddie rolls over them.
We get a glimpse of a series of auditioners who are too dreadful to put on television for longer than a second and a half, including a Girl Group that Simon said sounded like he accidently sat down on two cats. We also get a massive meltdown from another delusional audtioner and batten down the hatches as this lunatic's ready to throw anything he can get his hands on. Time to return to our Universe as Lauren Jauregui is next. Lauren is ok but very bland and is going to land up in a fake girl group this show's going to manufacture. This reminds me of how some girls look hot if they're surrounded by a group of other girls but once you get them on their own own, yikes!
It's time for our final audition (!!!) and they haven't saved the best for last. No, they've saved the most annoying for last as 12-year-old Jordyn Foley's up. Jordyn looks like a cross between a young Britney Spears and Honey Boo Boo. She's giggling, has pink everywhere, performs in theatre plays and is annoying in every other way you could possibly imagine. Jordyn says she wants to show America her personality. I wouldn't do that if I were you, Jordyn. Simon hates her before she sings a single note and we see why he'll never have children, God forbid he'll ever have to sit through something like Jordyn's performance of Annie's Tommorow that even for a showtune is being done over-the-top. Simon gleefully gives her a No and hopes she'll be out of his life forever in five seconds but the other judges want to make Simon squirm so Jordyn's off to Boot Camp, which begins...
Next week! X Factor finally gets something right as these auditions wrap up just in time after three weeks, as opposed to the 200-day marathon of auditions we get on American Idol. We're off to Miami next week and it's time to take the gloves off. We get a sneak peek and see Cece Frey sharpening her knives and is ready to carve up the other females. While Cece will have no problem making all the little teenys have meltdowns, it's only a matter of time until she runs into fellow psycho Tara Simon. Then it's World War III!