We're back for Round 2 of bootcamp and tonight the contestants are teamed up into pairs, meaning everyone will be trying to out-attention whore one another. And what a coincidence, enemies Cece and Paige are teamed up as American Idol isn't the only show that can have two women going at each other's throats. Our first pair is up, and it's a real skanky one, as here comes Tara Simon and Jennel Garcia. There's a very good chance we are going to get some nudity here. Tara, like always, is fucking with her opponent's head, and has crushed Jennel's spirit before she even gets on stage. Jennel tries to show her softer side, as opposed to her usual porn actress side. Tara has no softer side as she's singing as soft as being crushed to death by a stampede of elephants.
We get a glimpse into this year's winner's future as I see a commercial giving Melanie Amaro's dreadful single away for free. We're back with a battle of 13-year-old tween tards, Carly Rose Sonenclar and Beatrice Miller. As opposed to other much older contestants who we'll see meltdown later tonight, Carly Rose and Beatrice cruise through this round as, despite their age, they probably have more professional experience than this entire cast combined.
Next are Vino Alan and David Correy, who are roomates but look more like cellmates. They're doing What's Going On and Vino's going to have time added to his sentence as he throws a tantrum, chucks his hat and repeatedly punches the wall. Britney says she's scared, and so am I as Vino belongs more on Oz than on this show.
Here comes two more tween tards, something you better get used to on this show, as Diamond White and Dinah Jane Hansen are up. Dinah reminds us she lives with 23 family members, and so did Charles Manson. We saw last night why Dinah has been put in a fake girls group as she needs five other girls to cover up her blandness. And her bandmates better learn Dinah's lyrics just in case she forgets them like she did tonight.
Sister C and Lauren Juaregui have been paired up and Britney's hatred of the cute Sister C, who she calls Annoying, is going to land her up being carried away on a gurney again.
Time for Brandon Hassan and Reed Demming to have a Bieber-Off to see who's the best effeminate talentless teen boy. Next up are Julia Bullock and Ally Brook, a well-matched pair as both are equally annoying. We next see poser rocker Jeffery Gutt and he's so bland, they not only don't show a second of Jeffery's opponent singing, they don't even show his name.
We see a Pepsi truck pulling up...probably being driven by Nicki Minaj, who'll do anything right about now to piss off American Idol. Cuntry Bumpkins Willie Smith and Tate Stevens are paired up. This show obviously wants some teen act to win this year but Tate Stevens may land up being their worst nightmare if the viewers of this show land up being the rednecks and frau we usually get on other shows like this. And it looks like Tate knows how to play the game as he's manipulated his partner into doing a song Willie doesn't know but Tate's probably done a million times.
Arin Ray is up and his partner Normani Hamilton seems to have been told to pretend to have some fake chemistry with Arin, perhaps to help shed the über-gay stigma that comes with being a former member of InTENsity. These two are quite different, in that Arin is decent while Normani is not. Arin wants to give it a shot on his own this year but his worst nightmare may come true for a second time as Simon says Arin would be good in a group.
We meet Latasha, who's paired with Jillian Jenson. Jillian's the girl who's always being bullied, and Latasha is more than happy to carry on this tradition as she's kicking Jillian around like a piece of trash. Jillian seems sweet and is trying to be supportive of Latasha. Meanwhile, Latasha tells us she's thinking of one person: Latasha! But she probably should've been thinking a bit about her lyrics as Latasha gives us about a second and a half of singing before she completely forgets the words, stops performing, completely quits and has a meltdown mid-song. Ok Jillian, your turn to start singing! Jillian tries to be supportive toward Latasha after the performance. Latasha says, I don't want to talk!
Latasha's disaster queues a bunch of other performers who are never going to reach their dreams because they can't remember 30 fucking seconds worth of lyrics of a song. Freddie Combs was too busy eating a walrus to learn his lyrics. Jesse Bryant says he's put all his eggs in this one basket, and this basket has been invaded by a cobra and all his eggs have been eaten. And rapper Nick Youngerman may be the biggest loser ever as all rappers do is remember lyrics, something Nick can't do. And Jordin Shane has not only forgotten her lyrics, she seems to not even know what planet she's on. Jason Brock is paired up with another fellow tranny and Jason would stand out even in a herd of rainbow-coloured unicorns.
Naturally, the show has put Cece and Paige last in order to give Cece the maximum time possible to fuck with Paige's head. And Cece has made the most of this time as through a combination of passive aggressiveness and death stares, she's gradually destroying Paige, tricking her into doing a song that's not great for Paige but where Cece can shine. As they both come on stage and begin to talk, we see that Paige has been completely crushed by Cece. Paige begins sobbing to get the judge's sympathy. This is supposed to be a sing-off but it becomes a sob-off as Cece is not going to be out-sobbed by anyone and goes on a fake sob rant that could win her an Emmy. Paige is singing first and Cece is giving her a death stare during her entire performance. Cece has once again crushed her competition as after Paige is done, Cece could take a dump on stage and still seem better than her.
That's it for this part of bootcamp. Next up is Judge's House or, as Simon likes to call it, Judge's Bed. And contestants like Jennel, Tara and Cece will be more than willing to jump into that bed, while all the Boy Groups and Reed Demming will be happy to jump into Simon's bed too.