It's finally time for live shows and as you see from the picture on the left, no one is more excited than new co-host Khloe Kardashian. It's Halloween and if you want to see something really scary, check out this show's ratings. We get to see our new judges in action, and there's a team of ten large men in white coats on standby for Britney just in case. I got home at 9 so for the first six acts I'll give my comments based on what I saw on video. We start with Paige Thomas, who I'm amazed is still breathing after having to deal with Cece. But Paige is so beaten she probably doesn't realize she's been given the Death Spot saved for fodder. Demi's made over all her contestants and has started by putting an urchin on Paige's head. Choreographer Brian Friedman must be back as this production is something that would be considered too over the top for the San Francisco Pride Parade. Between the urchin, ridiculous production and beating down from Cece, one almost misses that Paige sang like crap. Almost.
Next up is Arin Ray. Arin was put in a fake group last year and when this happens it's usually because that individual person isn't good enough on their own and needs to be surrounded by others. And that holds true with Arin as he can sing a bit and dance a bit, just not both at the same time. There are giant smoke things exploding making incredibly annoying noises.
We're all scouting for potential VFTW picks tonight and David Correy gets things off to a good start by having a mohawk. And he may need our support as David looks like someone who should be on a different Fox show, Cops. Simon said David sounded desperate and you'd be desperate too if the only job you could get is cleaning the bathroom in a tattoo parlor.
Time for the stage hands to bring out the pole dancing set as Jennel Garcia's up. Demi's given her a makeover, basically turning Jennel into a clone of herself. Jennel's doing a rock song and she has as much edge as a basketful of three-day-old kittens. While Jennel's singing has zero edge, her gyrations, squatting and constant hair touching certainly does!
Britney's favorite band to loathe is up next as here comes Sister C. They're doing a redneck country song and all sound like they sucked on a helium tank for ten minutes before their performance. They sound like a female version of The Chipmunks. These girls are stiff as a rock as the three of them combined exude less warmth than Queen Elizabeth.
Next up is Diamond White, who's named after a beer. Her mentor obviously realizes Diamond has one of the weaker voices in this competition and has given her a song a six-year-old deaf child could sing with Hey Soul Sister. Diamond's barely singing a note and the highlight of this performance is when she sits next to a guy who looks like Lance Bass after getting run over by a steam roller.
Vino Alan's up next. He's wearing a hat but he probably should consider wearing a mask too. Vino's not so much singing as he's croaking like a frog. He finally stops making these hideous noises and happily just becomes a Nickelback wannabe clone. Vino looks like he's been living the high life now that he's on this show as he's gained a significant amount of weight but he better not cash that check too quick as America's not going to vote for an act who looks like someone who's broken into their house before.
I'm finally home and I get to enjoy the full experience of this show, like Khloe refusing to shut-up or Demi sounding like a mouse caught in a trap. And the timing of my arrival is no coincidence as major VFTW contender Lyric 145 is up. They begin with a song that involves them screaming BOOM BOOM BOOM for an entire minute. And unbelieveably enough this isn't the most annoying part of their performance as they mash into Gangam Style, the rap version. LA Reid says they sound like they've been thrown into the washer and bleached as their stret credibility has just sunk to the Cher Lloyd level.
Someone with major VFTW cred is Cece Frey, who has torn through this competition like a tasmanian devil on steroids. Demi's her mentor but it's Cece who should be mentoring Demi. Cece tells us that just a week ago she was a nobody working at the post office and now, thanks to some clever editing, she's one of the most hated bitches in America. Demi reminds us for a third time that Cece isn't likeable and probably hasn't helped this by completely making Cece over to look like the singer of a P!nk cover band. Cece has obviously been a favorite of mine as our pick as she's established long ago that she has the VFTW attitude and she now has the VFTW look. All we need to wait for is to see her performance, God forbid she's too good to be our pick. But we don't have to worry about that as Cece's singing on a Sanjaya level. She's doing a dreadful club remix of Because the Night and is wearing no pants, crawling all over the floor and doing anything else for attention, other than sing any of the notes right. Honestly, I'm surprised she was this awful. And you know it's bad when even your own mentor rips apart your singing.
Some VFTW picks are incredibly spectacular like Cece and some are incredibly dull, like the only WGWG on this show, Tate Stevens. He's told he needs to make more eye contact but would probably be better served keeping his head down as much as possible and pulling his cowboy hat down over his face. Tate is a Power WGWG as he's fat, unattractive and a big redneck in general. This would make him the automatic winner on American Idol but we'll have to see how he does on this show that caters to eight-year-old girls with learning disabilities.
Beatrice Miller's up. She's being mentored by Britney and what could go wrong with Britney telling a teen what path to take in life. And the excuses start even before the performance as Beatrice makes it clear she wouldn't have chosen this song. Beatrice's voice seems to have changed since we last saw her, not for the better. I guess that's what happens when you're being mentored by someone who hasn't sung a live note in years.
It's excitement time as here comes Jason Brock in all his glory! He's from San Francisco, which fits like a Kennedy from Massachusetts. Unlike some softy like Adam Lambert on American Idol, Jason is letting his freak flag fully fly, and this flag is rainbow-colored! We finally get a performance like the ones we get on the UK version of this show as there are naked dancers, Drag Queens and glitter showering down on everyone. Simon said he enjoyed the performance except for what Jason was wearing, the choreography, the singing, the dancers, the song choice and the way Jason walked around. Other than that, he loved it!
Time for the fake girl group. They can't use the name Lylas anymore and have to come up with a name so hideous surely no one has ever used it, and 1432 definitely fits the bill. And after Simon ripped apart Jason, it's now time for LA to destroy one of Simon's acts as he tells them he hates their name, they sound like karaoke, the production was horrible and that their mentor failed them. Demi says only one of the girls was decent but is too classy to say which one. But Khloe will have nothing to do with class and bitches away at Demi till she names the girl, who will now be forever hated by her bandmates. I can almost hear the four of them talking behind her back as I write this.
Willie Jones says he's just a regular looking guy and that would be true if it were 1991 and this was The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. This is at least the fifth time I've seen Willie perform and I'm not anymore used to seeing someone like him singing like a bigtime redneck than I was the first time. Simon finds the whole thing a little silly as Willie looks like Scotty McCreery dressed as a pimp.
We see Carly Rose Sonenclar being mentored for ten seconds by Britney, in other words all the mentoring she received. But that's ok as Carly has an endless supply of managers, coaches and agents who can help her along. Britney feels Carly needs to lighten it up a bit as Carly comes off as a 40-year-old singing at a funeral. And Britney knows the key to success...put Carly in a school girl dress. Carly's trying to be less broadway, and is failing miserably. She's a good singer, just incredibly morbid. LA's not having fun as he looks like someone just about to put their dog to sleep.
It's time to take off your shirt as our final act Douchebag3 are up. I wonder how long it will take to see them shirtless, and the answer is ten seconds as we get a shot of all of them jumping into the pool. The guy who constantly has his shirt off is doing pushups so he can be all pumped up for this performance but would've been better off pumping up his vocal chords instead as he sings like crap. Fortunatley for them this is covered up by all the raging tards screaming in the audience, led by a drooling Demi Lovato. These guys could be ok but are way too full of themselves as they're more focused on flexing their muscles than singing.
That's it for the first show that was as long as the Olympic marathon. The talent level is depressingly low, almost as low as the ratings. Khloe is a complete mess as host. But even still, tonight's show had more entertaining moments than the entire season of American Idol 11 combined. There's going to be some major judge bitching, and Britney could freak out at any moment, like tomorrow night when she has to cut one of her acts. More importantly, we have a bounty of potential VFTW picks. We'll let the judges wipe out the fodder tomorrow night like David Correy and 1432. Then, VFTW takes over! Check back tomorrow night after results when it's time to make our first pick.
Laconic Bastard
Location: Somewhere out there
