Top 10: The Worst Show in the History of Television

Oh my God. This is the worst season of television in the history of television. See:

4th Worst: Married By America

3rd Worst: Celebrity Boxing

2nd Worst: Cavemen

1st Worst: American Idol, Season 7

I have a list. I must be right. I also have a hit list, and currently at the top are the people who greenlit “songs from the year you were born” week. It was terrible, as there was not one good performance all night. And most of the performances were sleep inducing. Even if you’re a fantard and you just agree with the judges, that means you would think only David Cook and Michael Johns were good. So the judges found 8 of the top 10 to be less than good. But it’s not even in a VFTW way. It’s in a boring way.

I would compare these performances to the most boring things I could think of, but I think these performances themselves have eclipsed the most boring things I could think of. Thus, I would be comparing the performances to themselves. I was also made aware that my best friend’s father-in-law did not like that I compared a performance many weeks ago to watching golf on TV. Thus, I will try a new approach. This week I will tell the contestants what they can do to secure the VFTW vote in the future once Kristy is taken out to pasture, shot, and turned into glue like her favorite barrel horse.

Ramiele Lullaby

This Week: Screamed incredibly off key notes while singing “Alone.”

The Judges Thought: She screamed incredibly off key notes, but she was sick, of which they reminded us many many times.

How to Get the VFTW Vote Next Week: Bring Danny Noriega out on stage. Proceed to perform a Gwen Stefani medley where you are two of her Harajuku girls (don’t hate, Ramiele and Danny already did this, and they put up pictures. Seriously. Here is one of them.)

Then, when the judges say anything, mock them relentlessly and don’t let them another word out. Have Danny do his patented five finger forehead mockery of Simon as well. And then start dancing around the stage singing, “Some people weren’t likin’ it.”

Jason Castro

This Week: Played a guitar and sang like that kid in the college coffee shop who needs to score some money for weed.

The Judges Thought: He was boring. Simon says that he’s not taking this seriously.

How to Get the VFTW Vote Next Week: Take it even less seriously. Walk out on stage, light a joint, smoke it, and then pass it around the front row. Sing “Because I Got High” but dub in the new lines,

“I was gonna sing real well, but then I got high.

Being on this show is hell, so then I got high.

Some of my weed is gone and I know why.

Because Paula got high, Paula got high, Paula got high.”

When the judges criticize you, just smoke again. When Ryan announces your number, burn him with the joint. Then laugh in that goofy manner you always do. Though no matter what you do, it won’t make Ryan any more flaming.

Syesha Mercado

This Week: Was boring.

The Judges Thought: She was good. Simon says that there is a limit on her vocal ability and that song tested it.

How to Get the VFTW Vote Next Week: Walk out on stage. Sing one note of some Whitney song, then say, “I quit.” Take off your clothes, streak through the crowd, jump in your Ford Focus and take a giant dump. Scream “Fuck Ford!” and then urinate in a Coke bottle. Pour the urine on an iPhone with an AT&T logo and say, “Download this, bitches.” This, and only this, will make me recap your performance next week.

Chikezie

This Week: Went back to doing ballads. Went back to making me not care.

The Judges Thought: He sounded too old-fashioned. Could it be because he was a 23 year old song? Nah…

How to Get the VFTW Vote Next Week: Chikezie should cut the crap and just start talking back to the judges as his performance. Walk out on stage, and as the instrumental plays, do a Randy Jackson impression. Then down a bottle of Jack Daniels and tell Paula how good she looks tonight. Finally, force Ryan and Simon to finally kiss, and don’t leave the stage until they do it. It’ll make them a lot less cranky.

Brooke White

This Week: Messed up the first note of her song, so she started over. I wish we could start this season over as easily.

The Judges Thought: It wasn’t good once the band came in.

How to Get the VFTW Vote Next Week: Ditch the piano, ditch the guitar, and ditch the good girl image. Come out in assless chaps and perform “Don’t Want No Short Dick Man” to your finace. When he runs off in tears, tell America, “I’m lookin’ for a man. For a good time, call (insert your Idol number here). Kristy Lee may look better, but I swallow.” Of course, we know none of this will happen, so just come out and say “poop.” That’s just as radical for Brooke.

Michael Johns

This Week: Had ridiculous white lighting and sang “We Are the Champions.” It was an obvious ploy for the judges to say, “This was your best performance ever.”

The Judges Thought: This was your best performance ever.

How to Get the VFTW Vote Next Week: Come on the Crocodile Dundee shorts and sing “Down Under.” Spread some vegemite on a piece of toast, feed it to a kangaroo, and then throw a rabid koala into the audience. Laugh as it mangles the tweentards. Then shrug it all off with some Aussie charm, “Oh, blimey!”

Carly Smithson

This Week: Decided to steal Amanda’s schtick and become the rocker chick by singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Only Amanda is awesome and Carly is an annoying plant. This makes her husband a dendrophile. This makes me order a can of Weed-Be-Gone. She also ended her performance by assuming a squatting a position and crapping a giant puddle of melisma on the stage, extra chunky (like Carly).

The Judges Thought: She picked the wrong song. Randy acknowledged the horrible, off-key run at the end.

How to Get the VFTW Vote Next Week: Admit you’re a plant and come out singing “Jungle Boogie.” When the judges start to insult you, say, “You know, honestly, my good friends at Vote for the Worst are right. I have no business being here. I will now turn this competition into a giant joke. Wait, it already is one. And I am now going to bring my husband on stage to scare children for the next 20 minutes.” Then, as the cameras pan, have your husband run around so he is always on the live camera. No offense, Todd. But come on. The producers are hiding you for a reason. It's funny how they always cast him in dark light, so he now should be on camera 1000% more. Though no matter what he does, he still can't scare small children as easily as Carly just standing there.

David Archuleta

This Week: Sang some stupid song no one knows about saving the world. Displayed his baby picture that was taken probably last year.

The Judges Thought: It was okay. Simon likened it to a theme park performance, which is good, as Disney will be happy to know that they invested all of their money in American Idol to have Pimpchuleta sing at their parks.

How to Get the VFTW Vote Next Week: Start to sing your song, any song, but before you can lick your lips, forget the words. Like 6 times. Then start to throw the biggest stage kid meltdown tantrum in the history of tantrums. Put Julie Dubela to shame. Cross your legs, sit on the stage, tug at your ear, and suck your thumb. Then, when your dad rushes on stage to yell at you, start crying even louder. Say, “I gave up High School Musical for this shit! Yeah, I said shit. I’m not so perfect, am I daddy? But that’s what you always tell me. Well, I’m not going back into my cage tonight! And I’ll be eating 2 bowls of gruel for dinner. TWO! I’m a growing boy!”

Kristy Lee Cook

This Week: Pandered to redneck America by singing “God Bless the USA.” Added a key change she couldn’t quite make.

The Judges Thought: It was okay. Simon called it her best ever. He meant best blow job ever before the live show, as Kristy finally proved to him that she could “blow him out of his socks.”

How to Get the VFTW Vote Next Week: Just don’t go home. That’s pretty VFTW. And pander even more to the rednecks by singing Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue.” Make sure the backdrop on the screen behind you next week is a Walmart logo as well.

David Cook

This Week: Stole Chris Cornell’s version of “Billie Jean” so that the judges would call him original and praise his fearlessness.

The Judges Thought: David was original. They praised his fearlessness.

How to Get the VFTW Vote Next Week: Steal another arrangement of a song, but this time make it the exact dance steps to the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe.” Grab other fake rockers like Robbie Carrico, Nikki McKibbin, Gina Glocksen, and Constantine Maroulis to be your backup spice boy/girls. Trust me, they’re not busy. Except Gina… she’s always busy. Wink wink.

So who is going home? The bottom 3 will likely be Jason Castro, Lullaby, and Kristy Lee Cook. I think our token toker will have to head home, but it could be any of them. Let’s hope Kristy stays, as she’ll try to be even more patriotic next week, and the results will again be hilarious.