CAGED DEATH MATCH 2008!!! Season 7 Vs. Season 4

Posted by Professor Chan on Saturday, March 29, 2008 at 11:52 PM EDT
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Season 4 is really only remembered for Farmbot Vs. Bo Bice. Nobody else makes an impression in my data banks. But look a little closer and we're reminded that this was also the season when VFTW went mainstream, when our proud Worster Scott Savol upset the fan favorite Constantine Maroulis and finished in 5th where he had no business being. 4th Place Anthony “Tracheotomy Scar” Federov also had no business flirting with winning this show.


So for my second CAGED DEATH MATCH 2008!!! I’ve pitted Season 7 versus mistreated, underappreciated Season 4. And surprisingly the match-ups work pretty well. Both Seasons sang a “Song From The Year You Were Born” and also a ‘60s number, if needed for tie-breakers. I’ve actually stacked the deck further against Season 4 by flip-flopping Nikko Smith (tuneful Stevie Idol impersonator with a decent voice) for red hot mess Jessica Sierra to make the Boys Vs. Girls match-up work better.


Are you READDDDDYYY!!!

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MATCH 1 - BEST OUT OF THREE FALLS -- CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

Carrie “Farmbot” Underwood VS. Carly “The Scarin’ Eirin” Smithson


TALE OF THE TAPE:

Carrie is the second most successful Idol Winner. Surprisingly it took until Season 4 for Idol to realize there was cold, hard cash to be made in country music. Since her season Carrie has turned iinto a hit machine, won Grammies and has become a bonified Country Music Star.


Carly has a failed pop album, a booming voice and tattoos.

With the Little, Blonde Girl Next Door versus The Dark Queen of the Night, this is a classic “Good Versus Evil” match.


Round 1 - Year You Were Born Song

Carrie sings “Love is a Battlefield” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neQpBPOYDcg

Carrie briefly stepped out of her Country zone to rock out on Pat Benetar, and wow does this girl have a set of pipes. I’d say this is an album-perfect version with a slight lyric flub. And half the song is one long glory note. No wonder Simon loved her.


Carly sings “Total Eclipse of the Heart”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOmLwNOnKxU


Hmm... Carly sings this one pretty well. Carrie at least did some walking and shaking her hips robotically but Carly just planted herself in one spot and did poopy dance squats, with a power poop squat at the end for extra bellow. They both fuffed the lyrics a bit. I think Carrie has the better sounding voice and gives the more entertaining of the two performances.

ROUND 1 - CARRIE


Round 2 - 60s song

Carrie - When Will I Be Loved --

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2DzVyGGmTk


Carrie does her standard countrified version and sings it like a pro. She does her side to side robot dancing, and her effective, country-style singing. It’s a bit of fluff song, but she manages to sneak in a 9 second glory note at the end.


Carly - Crazy On You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8j2F5Hr1-YM


I consider this Carly’s best performance on the show. She sings an album perfect version, but I noticed she doesn’t seem to connect with the audience or the camera. She either stares blankly off into space or closes her eyes for long stretches. And she only has a 4 second glory note at the end. Hmm... I wasn’t that crazy about “When Will I Be Loved”, so we need to go to a tie-breaker.

ROUND 2 - CARLY


TIE-BREAKER - SUDDEN DEATH MATCH

I was going to match Carrie’s “Alone” with Carly’s, but Carly’s is from Hollywood weak and with a feeble solo piano accompaniment it just wasn’t fair. So I picked Carly at her most Celine Dion instead.


Carrie - Alone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMBSDpB3WB8


Dang, it looks like a deranged hair-dresser attacked Carrie with a bottle of hairspray mere moments before she took the stage. Carrie turns her cow-eyes toward the camera and stares directly into your soul. Although the real heavy lifting in the song is done by Charlotte and the other back-up singers, the performance builds dramatically and ends in a 5 second glory note and the whole thing is pretty good.


Carly - I Drove All Night

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2dg0yb-LFg


This song has glory notes up the wazoo. I counted a couple 9 second-ers. However we have another disconnect between Carly and the audience. It’s like she’s singing in her own little world. Not nearly as engaging as Carrie. Also the song gets repetitive (all in 90 seconds, not good) and turns into a mere vocal exercise for Carly the Demon Goddess. I believe we have a winner.

WINNER: CARRIE UNDERWOOD, Good Wins, and Evil is defeated, once again. Yay.


Season 4 - 1-0

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MATCH 2 -- Bo Bice VS. David Cook

Battle of the Rockers.


TALE OF THE TAPE:

Bo Bice is a country rocker who was mistreated after losing on Idol. The Producers forced him to sing a terrible album that didn’t sell and since then he’s sung the title track on the Blades of Glory soundtrack... And nobody cared.


David Cook is Daughtry 2.0 - Following in the footsteps of the most successful 4th place winner on Idol David Cook slyly does cover versions of cover versions of songs. Or not so slyly as people are catching on to this game. But since the collapse of the Archulater, David Cook looks like a contender.


Bo Bice - Freebird

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MUchTukLfg


Bo Bice is one of the best Idols in terms of sheer entertaining performances. His mic work is exemplary and he brought the stick mic stand method to Idol for the first time. This is a pretty good Freebird and it’s a great example of Bo’s Bo-ness. Bo had years of touring in a bar band, and he uses every ounce of performance experience to bear on this show.


David Cook - Billie Jean

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_aiawC-9aM


David does a dead-on Chris Cornell impression in one of his better Idol performances. Not much new to add to this one since I watched it Tuesday. I’ll call this one a draw. Now let’s go to Sudden DEATH.

DECISION - DRAW


ROUND 2 -- ‘60s

Bo Bice -Spinning Wheel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdNUe6F5YOo


Another bit of Bo goodness. He gives another active performance, roaming into the audience. There’s a couple minor flubs, but nothing that diminishes the awesomeness.



David Cook - Happy Together

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1JXHITE04Q


David unfortunately is wearing his Accountant of Death outfit with ragged shirt and tie and CPA comb-over. On second listen David’s performance isn’t bad, but not as well sung, and only half as entertaining as the Bo-Meister.


WINNER - BO BICE


Season 4 - 2-0

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Match 3 - Vonzell Solomon VS. Syesha Mercado - WARRING WHITNEYS


TALE OF THE TAPE:

Vonzell was the big-voiced Whitney Diva from her season. Ditto Syesha.


Vonzell - I Have Nothing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwUj4NZdmYU


Vonzell has more power and a stronger voice. She’s a belter, but her nice dithering little Whitney run at the end is sweet.


Syesha - Saving All My Love For You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoSljytClAc


Syesha’s low register gets lost in the mix, but her high Whitney voice has a sweeter sound and she’s cleanly hitting all of her notes. I call it a push.


WINNER - DRAW -- We go to SUDDEN DEATH


I listened to Vonzell’s “Let’s Hear It For The Boy” and it sucked, and Syesha’s “Tobacco Road” is pretty good, so I’ll save you the trouble-- Here is Tobacco Road, if you want to hear it again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFbJ-r9v8r0


WINNER: SYESHA MERCADO in a bit of an upset.

Season 4 - 2-1

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Match 4 - Battle of the Teen Sensations with Serious Throat Surgeries


Anthony Federov was the Russian Clay Aiken. His top 4 finish was shocking. The Archulater is the Muppet Clay Aiken. His Top 4 Finish is preordained. Well, it was until Muppet Archuleta fell on hard times lately. This week’s SNAFU might undo him.


Anthony - Every Time You Go Away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51XipEEpJMk&feature=related


Anthony does a credible version of the song. He even moves around, has fun and remembers the words. David, not so much. Plus, Anthony's performance features far less horrifying gasping.


Archuleta - You’re The Voice

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=578mZ3kMziU

We all remember Archuleta’s Kids Incorporated-quality performance.


Now you can watch the fruity John Farnham video, his ode to Spousal Abuse:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99P7TTvpO1g&feature=related


I try not to compare the Idols to the song oringators, but this Farnham guy blows David off the stage. No contest.


So does Anthony here, in a stunning upset, Muppet’s going home early. But as long as teenage girls are voting, Archuleta still wins Idol.


WINNER: ANTHONY FEDEROV - And if there’s any outcry, David’s ‘60s song was “Shop Around” which was also pretty lame.

Season 4 - 3-1

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Match 5 Dueling Rockers.


TALE OF THE TAPE:

Constantine was a creepy fake rocker with his dimpled, butt-chin, his gross camera slurping and corny devil horns with tongue out.


Johns is a decent rock singer who seems pretty harmless.


QUEEN Battle -

Constantine - Bohemian Rhapsody

Vs.

Johns “We Are The Champions”


No way am I suffering through Constantine’s grotesque camera-raping again. Automatic Disqualification.


WINNER BY DQ -- Michael Johns

Season 4 - 3-2

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Match 6 - Hair Vs. Hair Match - Anwar Robinson Vs. Jason Castro


TALE OF THE TAPE:

Anwar Robinson was a braided soul singer with a winning smile, a pretty voice but a paucity of chest hair.


Jason Castro has natty dreadlocks, a pretty voice, quirky song stylings and a winning smile. And a paucity of chest hair.


Anwar - I’ll Never Love This Way Again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmgdnigpe8k


Anwar gives an album-quality performance on an otherwise dreary song.


Jason Castro- Fragile

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZM6dawKia0


Jason sings quirky songs in multiple languages and his own guitar accompaniment. I prefer Jason’s cute songs over Anwar’s bland, soul song balladry, but the dude has an amazing voice. Jason’s got a much smaller range and seems to be getting by on charm and personality.

WINNER: ANWAR ROBINSON

Season 4 - 4-2

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Match 7 - Battle of the School-marms.


Nadia Turner Vs. Brook White


TALE OF THE TAPE

Nadia Turner was a big hair, big voiced soul singer, with a little Tina Turner rasp in her voice and Tina Turner Furious Faces while she’s singing.


Brooke White is a Vanilla Tori Amos clone who hasn’t done anything exciting yet. Both of them look to be in their mid-40s.


Nadia - When I dream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMX59sqGeO4


Nadia has a big voice, lots of control. She interprets the lyrics, but yet this song is ponderously slow and dull.


Brooke - Every Breath You Take

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2JhGO99EBk


I like what Brooke does with the song, but her thin voice, and unexceptional vocals put a quick end to this match. Nadia is easily the better singer.


WINNER: NADIA

Season 4 - 5-2

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Match 8 Battle of the Red Hot Mess Jessica Sierra Vs. Red, White and Blue mess Kristy Cook.


Jessica Sierra... I don’t remember her from her season, but she’s been on Celebrity Rehab, had run-ins with the law, has a crack and alcohol habit and is currently starring in a brand new porno movie.


Kristy merely sucks.


Jessica: Total Eclipse of the Heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_FtmWQIyQ8


Wow, that was horrible. Note her totally bland answer to “Why did you choose this song?” Jessica: “I always wanted to sing it on Idol.” Gee, what an amazing off the cuff answer. Now if the porno came out BEFORE she went on Idol, we’d probably remember her.


Also the baby-doll nightie is terrible, she sings the same “Powder keg” line twice in a row and generally sucks in new and interesting ways.


Kristy sang “God Bless The USA” in bland, mediocre fashion, which was still her best performance to date.


WINNER: KRISTY

Season 4 - 5-3

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I know Season 4 has a lock on the CAGED DEATH MATCH 2008!!! Victory, but here’s one for the history books.



Bonus Match - Scott Savol Vs. Ramiele -- Phil Collins Soul on a Pole match.

Loser gets their soul eaten by Phil Collins.


Scott was a big troll who VFTW helped carry to Final 5. Ramiele is cute and perky but sings with ZERO personality. Scott just HAS Zero personality, so he’s already at a disadvantage.


Scott - Against All Odds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_Cqsa6nXf4


That was AWESOME. From the rocking side to side, the dramatic hat drop, the over-emoting on a cheeseball song, and the way he’s so out of breath he keeps dropping the last words of the line. I forgot how amazing a Worster Scott Savol was.


Ramiele Malubay - Against All Odds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOagkAuUqPA


And once more for fun... Ladies and Gentlemen Jessica Sierra - Against All Odds.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlAh64sUB0o&feature=related


Damn, girls got out-sung by Scotty The Body.


GAME. SET. MATCH

Season 4 wins CAGED DEATH MATCH 2008!!! 6-3

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I think the match-ups were dead on. The ground-rules were more than fair, and Season 7 STILL gets decimated by Season 4... A season where Scott Freakin’ Savol came in 5th.


Season 7, “The Most Talented Season Ever” My ass!!!


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VoteOffThePlant
Posted: 3/30/2008 at 1:59 AM Reply with quote
Location: USA all the way (Not England)

Good one, Chan, thnx, So many new nicknames for Carly! Sweet. "Queen of the Night" ... LOL ... Elvira! :-)

Yah, Idol did wake up in Season 4 to the popularity of Country, come to think of it. Well, what do the English like Fuller and Cowell know about Country? Probably sounds like the Yankification of Irish Folk Music (that it is) to them, and the twin Simons were always a bit slow on the uptake.

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badmammerjammer
Posted: 3/30/2008 at 3:55 AM Reply with quote
Location: LETS GO PENS

Nothin' like some Scott Savol to get ya goin on a Sunday morning!!

Great as usual Prof!!
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hyperVen5
Posted: 3/30/2008 at 4:16 AM Reply with quote
Location: somewhere only we know

Naw... I think Vonzell's better than Syesha by a landslide. Maybe if Syesha sing Donna Summer you can compare it to Vonzell's "On the Radio" - which Simon chose very wisely for her (and I'm surprised TPTB didn't let Simon choose for Carrie; since she was the 'chosen one')

Why not compare Nadia to Syesha, they're both took on rock-ish songs and both have that FOXY HAIRDO :D Vocally, though, Syesha would edge her out.

Bo without doubt is the BEST rocker! And the most versatile at that - well, except Clive-manufactured 'music' (wonder if he regrets joining idol)

Scott / Ramiele - no comment ;)

Anwar has more on vocals and charm rather than Jason, but both tend to have their vocals drowned in the music, notably Anwar's "September". Still don't know why he was outlasted by Scott and Anthony, he was likeable.

Kristy is no good compared to Jessica. She left early because of lack of airtime, maybe. And she and Carly are in the "unlikeable" zone. But I really thought Jes had huge potential since she sang "against all odds" ( a mile better than Scott and Ramiele combined)

Anthony and David are on the same boat. They both seem so nervous when Simon is about to comment. And Simon was harsh indeed, saying things like "Hideous, amateurish, gooey(wth?), and "soul-less".

How I'd love to hear David following Scott's footsteps in "Dance with Father", and he should give a wide smile and point to his father!

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pererau
Posted: 3/30/2008 at 5:48 AM Reply with quote
Location: Washington

I thought that the first cage match was a little over-done. This one was just plain wrong on almost every count. First of all, I'm no big David Cook fan, but saying that the crappy rendition of free-bird that Bice did even comes close to Billie Jean is the biggest leap I can imagine. And if you listen to the Cornell version of Billie Jean, he sings it at a different tempo, different key, and slightly different arrangement. So while it is true that Cook has a habit of covering other's covers, here he actually did put his own take on it and it was better than Cornell.

Second, it appears that you don't like David Archuleta. That's fine, but it is seriously hampering your fairness gene. You put up a song by Federov that probably would have got him eliminated during Hollywood week, being the off-key, mumbly suckage that it was, and expect us to believe that somehow this makes him a better singer than David Archuleta of Imagine fame? Please pull the load of crap out of your ears and listen again. As for Farnham's version, I have two things to say. Number one is that he is singing in a studio with innumerable retakes and practices at his disposal, whereas David is singing on stage with one week to prepare. Second is that I don't even agree that Farnham was better. He has a funny edge to his voice that he consistently uses to his disadvantage. I hate David's song choices as much as the next guy, but you need to recognize that he is a tremendous talent.

Next up, it also appears that you hate Brooke. I think that Brooke is by far the most underrated talent on the show. And if you compare her version of Love is a Battlefield to Carrie, I think that Carrie goes down in flames. Granted they are two very different versions of the song, but Brooke's simple, rich voice brings out the emotion of that song far better than the borderline tuneless yelling of Underwear. In fact, when I was watching the youtube video that you linked to, my wife from the other room asked incredulously "is that Pat Benetar singing live?" When I told her it wasn't, she said, "good, because it was terrible."

I could go on about your terrible comparisons of other singers, but the point doesn't change. You come into this "contest" with an agenda and whatever you do, you must stick with it, so you make unfair comparisons and wild sweeping statements with no real basis. Oh sure, you throw in the occasional "upset" for a season 7 contestant, but it is clear from the start where you are headed.

I never watched Season 4 because I was so disillusioned by Fantasia beating Latoya London in 3, so this was all new to me. I'm glad you put these videos up, though, so that I could see what a tuneless mess season 4 was.

I don't buy into the claim that this season is magically super talented, but they certainly prevail against everyone in season 4 with the exception of Carrie.

I'm calling BS on this one.
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Whisp
Posted: 3/30/2008 at 7:56 AM Reply with quote
Asshole Patrol...Woo! Location: Magic Pants, 'Chile!

Dude....I think you're the one who needs to cleanthe crap out of your ears.

I agree with Prof on almost everything, except no way KKK is better than Jessica. No even close.
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Ehandz
Posted: 3/30/2008 at 10:22 AM Reply with quote
Location: Tempe, Arizona

I dunno, it seems like your matching up performances that probably shouldn't be matched up, like Cook's "Happy Together" which was by far his worst against Bice's "Spinning Wheel" for example.

Mind you I think the idea of calling any one year "THE BEST TOP 24 EVVVVVAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" is a stupid idea in the first place>_>.
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tallerthanseacrest
Posted: 3/30/2008 at 11:36 AM Reply with quote
Location: USA

I think you hate Season 4, right?

Plus, Brooke isn't "underrated". She's just boring. Piano, guitar: no matter what ornamentation she brings to up her performance in the end her voice has a range of about three notes.
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tallerthanseacrest
Posted: 3/30/2008 at 11:37 AM Reply with quote
Location: USA

Of course Season 4 beats Season 7. Karaoke at a seven year old's birthday party beats Season 7.

Everything beats Season 7. My favorite right now is David Cook, but the only performance I remember of his is "Billie Jean", which is pretty good. The rest are forgettable. Brooke and Jason have little range, Ramiele is off, Carly has a lack of emotion (or soul if you're calling her the Queen of Darkness). Archuleta sounds childish and isn't very good (Imagine was boring in my opinion; I couldn't see the hype), Michael Johns screams, and Chikezie is just strange.

Bo, Nadia, Carrie, and Vonzell plz. Or Danny to liven AI up.
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Scott Baio
Posted: 3/30/2008 at 12:07 PM Reply with quote

Prof, you gave the Anwar Robinson/David Castro win to Anwar? I'm going to have to respectfully disagree. Here's how that matchup would really go down:

Ryan Seacrest: Tonight, Idol fans, we witness a great matchup between two beautiful male contestants, both of whom I would totally bone if Simon ever kicked me out of bed, although I pray to God that he never does. Up first we, have Anwar Robinson singing "I’ll Never Love This Way Again".

...

...

...

Ryan: Um, hello? Anwar Robinson.

...

...

...

Ryan: What's going on here? Where's Anwar? We've got a show to do and sponsors to appease, and any little glitches like this might cut into our next plug for Coke or Ford or Apple or whatever product we're whoring out our contestants to this week. Guess I better go find Anwar.

[Camera follows Ryan backstage. Ryan comes to Anwar's dressing room. Anwar's name has been crossed out on the door, and someone has scrawled above it in crayon "Green Room!!! LOL!!!" Ryan opens the door, and thick smoke pours out of the doorway.]

Ryan: Oh my god, fire! Fire! Call 911!

[As the smoke begins to dissipate, we see Anwar and Jason Castro leaning back on the couch, each has his own open bag of potato chips, and Anwar watches on red-eyed while Castro clears the chamber of his massive 6 foot bong.]

Anwar [to Ryan]: Chill, man. There's no fire. Just firing up Big Bertha here.

Jason: Cough cough cough! Hack! Cough!

Anwar: Yeah, man! Cough and get off! You cleared that whole thing, dude! You're gonna be so gone! Now pass that shit, bro.

Jason: Fuuuuuck! I'm fuckin' baked!

[Anwar and Jason begin giggling like little schoolgirls.]

Ryan: Jesus, guys, what the hell? We've got a show to do! You guys are supposed to compete to see if season 7 is better than season 4! Anwar, get out on stage and sing!

Anwar: Dude, there's no way I'm going out there. Sit down and have a toke, you friggin' tight ass. God knows you could use this shit more than any of us!

Jason: Yeah. Ryan is so tight, if you shoved a lump of coal up his ass, a week later it would, um... be like... um...gold later or something. You seen that movie, man? I love that one!

Anwar: Yeah, that's like, The Breakfast Club,right? Awesome!

Jason: No, I think that's from, like, Forrest Gump or some shit.

Ryan: Jesus, you guys are stoned as hell! Everyone knows that was from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and you totally fucked up the punchline anyway! You guys need to sober up and get your worthless butts out on that stage, now! Remember, Idol owns your asses.

Jason: Dude, you really like asses. You're always talking about asses or butts or heinies. That's kinda gay.

[Jason and Anwar start laughing again for the next five minutes.]

Ryan: I'll tell you two one last time, grab some Visine, spray yourselves with some cologne, and get out there and sing or we'll throw you out of this competition!

Anwar: Why do we have to compete? Why can't we just relax and smoke a doob or two without you busting in here to harsh our buzz? Go away. man. We're about to put on some Dark Side of the Moon and sync it up with The Wizard of Oz. You ever tried that shit? It's a trip!

Jason: Yeah, I heard Floyd totally did that on purpose to play at their shows, but then, like, the government or something told them no way, so they weren't able to play the movie. Why does the government have to suck so much sometimes?

[Ryan shakes his head, walks out of the room as Anwar and Jason continue to babble like morons about government conspiracies and how awesome Twinkies are. Just as the door is closing on the Green Room, we see Paula Abdul peek out from behind the couch. The camera follows Ryan out to the stage.]

Ryan: Well, Idol fans, looks like this matchup is going to have to be called a draw since neither Anwar nor Jason are in any condition to sing. I give up on this retarded show. I'm way too big of a star for this crap. I'm going to go shopping, maybe call up Simon and see if we can cuddle tonight. I've had a way stressful day, and I would love to cuddle up with Simon, a glass of Chardonnay, and my "Sex in the City" DVDs. That show is fabulous! Later, bitches!

[Ryan does a double snap and headroll and struts off stage. Idol logo comes on screen, and camera fades out.]
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keelhaulrose
Posted: 3/30/2008 at 1:32 PM Reply with quote
Location: Illinois

Can we add that KKKristy only wins because of the songs that are pitted against each other? Seriously, any other week, she would have been blown out of the water.

I love the caged death matches! I can't wait for Daughtry vs. Cook!
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